Millennial Dating: How Many Dates Before You Have Sex?

March 7, 2018

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So, how many dates before you have sex with your new guy? Most relationship gurus and matchmakers say that you shouldn’t have sex with a new guy until the two of you are in an exclusive relationship.

This is the professional advice that we should likely follow if we are looking for a long-term boyfriend except for the fact that it’s kinda bull-shit.

how many dates before sex how many dates before sleeping with someone


How many dates before you have sex?

Don’t listen to “relationship gurus”

If you are a woman who is actually looking for a relationship, these three words will help you discern: close thy legs. –Elite Daily

That’s a pretty blunt way to put it.

Renowned relationship expert and dating coach Evan Marc Katz (who is a genius by the way, his advice is generally spot on) gives us a bit more insight on the above statement by saying:

The first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. We are driven by attraction and have zero trouble separating the physical act of sex from the feelings of love. – Evan Marc Katz

This is generally true, men are a lot better at having no-strings attached sex and can easily sleep with someone only to move on to the next person the next night.

Women can do this as well, nothing is impossible but it is common knowledge that the release of Oxytocin makes it difficult for women not to get emotionally attached to someone they just had sex with.

Although lately there have been articles, like this one on Live Science,  questioning whether or not Oxytocin has as much of an affect on this as we once thought.

30 flirty texts

waiting until you’re exclusive is old school

The fact that it’s old school doesn’t make it bad advice and the perfect number of how many dates you should go on before you sleep with someone will be different for everyone.

I would say it’s a good rule of thumb to wait until you’re exclusive if you want to play it really safe.

But millennials and younger people don’t really work this way anymore. It’s not advice that is easily integrated into our modern lives.

Then when we inevitably have sex “too soon” we’re stuck because we don’t know how to deal with the consequences.

We live in a world of instant gratification and sex is no different. 

I think most statistics are against me on this one but I strongly believe it’s because the data hasn’t caught up to the modern times. One of the more recent statistics I found on this topic was from a survey taken by Match.com in 2016 that said:

 Furthermore, the longer you wait to have sex with a partner, the happier you are; those who wait to the fifth date are 35% more likely to be happy than those who have sex on the first date.

See? You only need to wait 5 dates, you don’t need to be exclusive first.

My long-term boyfriend and I had sex on our third date. I had sex within the first couple weeks for both boyfriends that I had before him. This is the general rule, not the exception for me and for most of the people I know.

It’s just the way we do things nowadays!

Having sex before you’re exclusive doesn’t turn away a man who is actually into you.

it’s not what you do before the sex, it’s what you do after that matters

Once you decide to have sex with a guy you’re seeing, the ticking clock begins and he better turn into your boyfriend within the next two months. 

If you have been seeing a guy casually for more than two months and he is making no effort to become your boyfriend, run away and run away now.

Ask him where the relationship is going and if he is vague or doesn’t want to commit, leave.

It’s totally possible to fall in love and start getting close to each other while also having sex but your new guy should be starting to treat you like a girlfriend. He shoud text you often, make plans to hang out and he should generally enjoy spending time with you outside the bedroom.

The sex should feel relationship-y not hookup-y

Does he put on his clothes and head home after or does he enjoy post sex cuddles and sleeping over?

Did he come over only to watch Netflix for an hour, hook up and then leave or did you spend the whole day together?

If your new guy sees you as a potential girlfriend rather than a booty call, you’ll be able to tell.

If he wants to be your boyfriend he will act like one.

He’ll take you out to dinner, take you to a comedy show or a picnic. He’ll take you on real dates if he’s really interested. If these things aren’t happening, it might be time to move on.

30 flirty texts

summary – HOW MANY DATES SHOULD YOU GO ON BEFORE HAVING SEX?

  1. Wait a minimum of 5 dates (ok, I only waited 3 but 5 is a really good general rule)
  2. Once you start having sex, make sure he’s treating you like a girlfriend, not a booty call
  3. Do not casually see him for more than two months.

I hope this gave you an idea of how many dates you should go on before you have sex but remember that whatever you’re comfortable with is always the right answer for you. That being said, I’d wait at least a minimum of 5 dates so that you have a better chance of weeding out the bad guys who are not interested in long term relationships. This is a common dating mistake that I often see and it is one of the things that inspired me to write a free e-course on the top 5 dating mistakes and how you can fix them. Learn more about that here. 

Until next time!

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2 Comments
    1. Generally agree with your posts but not this one. Really research guys’ position on this. No girl, ok maybe one, who is worth her salt should sleep with a guy before exclusivity. Now some relationships may come out of this but it will usually be a couple of months. I think this is a major reason there are now more unmarried women in their 30s than married. They’ve had plenty of short/medium term relationships. Sleeping with a guy before exclusivity will always be hookup-y except for the most pretty or gems of girls.

      1. Hey Youngman, thanks for your comment! I agree that waiting until you’re exclusive is top-notch excellent advice. The problem is that many young women end up having sex early on in the relationship because we want to – equality am I right? But then we get stuck with guys who aren’t interested in anything more than sex and we don’t know how to recognize that and get out right away. This is why it’s important to know and recognize the signals and signs after you have had sex.

        I kind of compare it to how religious people teach abstinence in order to prevent STD’s and pregnancy. It’s like yeah, it’s good advice but when you inevitably don’t follow that advice – what now? I like to teach that if you have sex with someone early on, you have to recognize if the relationship is moving forward or if you’re stuck being a booty call. I think that’s really important advice that women these days could really use while they’re out dating.

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