Maintenance sex is essential for couples who want to have a healthy long-term relationship. However, it is important that we learn how to do it in a healthy way.
Frequent Passionate Sex Is Not Sustainable
You guys might be going at it 3 times a day when you first start dating but you can’t keep this up long-term. Things change if you’re pregnant, if you have kids, you’re work life is more stressful, you live busy lives etc.
**Note: For ease of writing I’m going to assume it’s the male that has the higher sex drive but this advice can be applied to any gender.
Here are some solid reasons why you should integrate maintenance sex into your routine and how you can approach it in a way that won’t cause you to build up resentment.
It Equalizes Your Sexual Needs
No two people can have the exact same sex drive for their entire lives. It just doesn’t happen.
If you are the person in your relationship that wants to have sex less frequently, the power is all in your hands. This is because you get to say “no thanks, not tonight” and the other partner needs to respect that wish and back off.
This is totally respectful and fair, however it means that the sexual needs of one partner are constantly not being met. This isn’t fair.
Having sex doesn’t mean that you need to climax or have an orgasm. It’s ok to have sex with the expectation that you just won’t “finish” this time, that’s perfectly normal.
This doesn’t mean that you should allow him to have sex with you if you’re not feeling up to it. It’s just changing your mindset so you can help your partner meet his sexual needs even when they don’t match up with yours.
This can actually work out in your favour next time. If your partner is getting their needs met most of the time, it allows him to last longer and please you more the next time you feel like having an orgasm.
It Really Does Strengthen Intimacy
Hormones. Hormones. Hormones.
They play such a big role in our lives and it’s a great thing when we can control them and use them to our advantage. Hormones are what made you fall in love. The are what made you so passionate in the beginning of the relationship and guess what – you still have those hormones!
Sure, they maybe died down a bit. But Dopamine and Oxytocin are still released by your brain when you have sex with your partner. This means that when you have sex, you literally force your brain (and his brain) into making you feel more connected.
“When you’re first becoming intimate, you’re releasing lots of dopamine and oxytocin. That’s creating that link between the neural systems that are processing your facial cues, your voice and the reward system” of a partner’s brain, said Larry Young, a professor of psychiatry at Emory University in Atlanta. – Web MD
The above quote makes the whole hormone thing even more important. It’s saying that when you release these hormones while being intimate with your partner, it makes your brain associate their smell, touch and facial features with this boost of excitement.
That means that you will associate extremely positive feelings and boosts of excitement just by smelling or looking at your partner.
You will be more attractive to him than any other woman. He will be more attractive to you than any other man. You’ve hard-wired your brain into relating each other with this “love high.”
Your hormones literally have the power to make you not care that he left his boxers on the bathroom floor – you need to be taking advantage of this!
It Forces You To Communicate
Most of the time it’s not that we don’t want to have sex, it’s just that we don’t feel like communicating what we want.
We want a little extra foreplay or a little more time to get in the mood but sometimes our partners forget that we need that extra time.
Instead of saying “wait, let’s slow down and get in the mood first” we just say “i’m not feeling it right now”.
Accepting that you should have maintenance sex every once in a while can force you into communicating. It forces you to tell your partner what you truly want.
Maybe you want a massage before you get started, or some quality time talking first. Maybe you want cuddle time after or a relaxing bath.
Think about why you don’t feel like having sex and see if there’s something the two of you can do to make you want to.
It Will Feel Good For Your Body
If you followed the communication tip above then you should be in a position where you will be enjoying yourself as well. This doesn’t mean that you need to have an orgasm if you weren’t in the mood for it. It could just mean you got a nice massage or some extra cuddle time. Either way, your body will be happy you did it.
Sex is a physical activity so it gets your heart pumping and blood flowing. Your body is always looking for the next time it can be physically active and sex is a great way to get some of the same benefits that you get when you work out.
Having sex can also be a pain-reliever. When your blood is flowing and your dopamine hormones are being released, it can be a relaxant for your muscles.-This can help chronic pain, like back aches as well as temporary pain, like cramps.
Sex will always feel good if you have a positive attitude, communicate your needs and have a partner that listens and respects you.
It Will Feel Good For Your Brain
Sex is good for the individual’s emotional health… Sexual satisfaction is closely correlated with overall quality of life. The increase of sex raises your sense of well–being and satisfaction with yourself. Laura Berman, Ph.D., an assistant clinical professor of OB–GYN and Psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University, says orgasms can reduce stress due to the endorphins that are released; these hormones activate pleasure centers in the brain that create feelings of intimacy and relaxation and stave off depression. In a relationship, sex is associated with stability because it increases bonding, especially when each other’s sexual desires are fulfilled. –Fine Homes and Living
Most people know of the correlation between stress relief and sex and it makes sense that those things would go together. Here are just a few good reasons why:
-Sex is a physical activity so gives you some of the same benefits as working out.
-You need to be in a generally relaxed state in order to enjoy it.
-It’s an act that you do with someone else so you feel supported and loved.
Sex also allows you to feel desired. Your partner is showing that he desires you physically and that can help with any self-esteem issues that you might be facing. This is important after the birth of a child or just anytime we aren’t feeling so hot.
Having sex is a positive reminder that not only are we loved for our personalities, we are also loved for our bodies. It doesn’t matter how many cookies you ate last week or how your hair looks if you didn’t style it this morning, you are loved.
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