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8 Reasons Why Online Dating Isn’t Working

So you’ve been spending all your evenings after a long day at work swiping and guess what? You’re still single…

You Think Online Dating Is Frustrating

That’s an extremely frustrating way to spend your nights, but don’t worry – I am here to help and I’m not going to be polite about it. If you think online dating doesn’t work, it’s probably because you’re making some serious mistakes.

My name is Lana and I am a dating coach and professional matchmaker. I am an expert at online dating. If I were to be single again, I KNOW that I would be able to find a loving boyfriend in roughly 6-8 months. I’ve done this before and I can do it again.

What makes me so confident?

Well, see I have a process that has allowed me to find a husband online, and it’s helped hundreds if not thousands of my clients. Here are 5 of my top reasons why online dating might not be working for you.

8 Reasons Why Online Dating Is Not Working 

#8. You think online dating is romantic

You’re looking at profiles and swiping right or left and you come across a man who is “perfect”. He only lives 10 minutes away from you. He has a cute little dog (you love dogs) and he’s a doctor making 250k a year.

You think to yourself, wow this guy is PERFECT! So you build up the courage to shoot him the first message – and guess what?

He doesn’t respond.

You’re heartbroken.

Online dating sucks you say! It’s not working and you’re not getting responses from guys you’re interested in.

What happened here is you thought online dating was romantic but it’s not. Meeting someone in real life and having a real connection is romantic, online dating is nothing but a tool. You’re supposed to look at each profile like an opportunity, nothing more. When you see a potential match, you decide quickly if you want to message them or not and then move on to the next one. You do this quickly with little thought or emotional investment.

This is how you save your stamina to swipe long-term and actually start going on more dates!

Don’t fall in love with profiles, photos or messages. This is how you get frustrated, heartbroken and feel rejected before you’ve even gone on a real date. Save the falling in love for real people.

#7. Your profile and photos need work

I covered this in 10 reasons why you suck at dating but it’s still totally true. Your profile and your photos are the first impressions you’re putting out into the dating world and they better be good. If they’re not, you could be messing up the dating app algorithms and getting shoved to the bottom of the list. This is often one of the main reasons I see attractive clients seeing really unattractive people on which to swipe.

Here are a few things to remember about online dating photos:

  • Your first photo should be a clear photo of you (not a selfie) that doesn’t have you wearing sunglasses
  • All other photos should have you with the same length of hair. If you have a super short cut in one photo and then long hair in the next, it’s confusing and people won’t know what you currently look like.
  • Make sure the photos show you doing a variety of different things. You should be out biking, hiking, at the beach, on vacation etc. The photos on your profile need to paint a picture of who you are.
  • If you have a dog, include them in one of your photos but no more than one!

If you want to learn more, check out notes on how to find good photos (#10) and some info on how to write a good profile. 

#6. You Think Online Dating Is A Joke

You already tried Bumble and it “didn’t work”. You’ve been at this for years and you feel like online dating isn’t working, so it’s become a joke to you. You don’t take it seriously anymore and for years have felt that it’s a waste of time. Have you ever thought that the reason why it’s not working is that maybe you’re missing a piece of the puzzle? See, I know online dating is very emotionally draining. You spend a lot of time messaging, swiping, reading profiles and you end up getting nowhere.

It’s exhausting!

If this is the case for you, don’t worry, that’s how 99.9% of people approach online dating. I’m here to tell you that those people are wrong. Online dating is just a means to an end, it’s like trying to find a job. Nobody enjoys making resumes, writing cover letters and doing interviews.

But everyone knows they MUST do this in order to find a job so they stick through it. And just like finding a job, there are things you can do to help increase your chances of being successful.

You wouldn’t complain or put weaknesses on a resume, would you? Yet I’ve seen countless of online dating profiles that scream”do not date me!” because they have a bunch of red flags or snarky attitudes all over them.

I’ve seen opening messages or responses to icebreakers that scream “I am bitter and totally over this dating thing, ask me on a date now or peace out.”If your dating profile or message style shows that you’re bitter and “over it” then you’re on a one-way path to staying on those sites forever.

Your tone and attitude towards online dating need to be positive and fun. Once you accept that there’s a different way to approach online dating, you become a sponge willing to absorb knowledge.

If you can do this with an open mind and apply new ways of thinking to your process, you will be much more successful.

#5. Match.com Doesn’t Work Every Time

You’ve picked one dating site or app and stuck with it, but maybe that’s not the right one for you. There was a time when Tinder was actually a good place to meet quality men, now it’s a bit more of a hookup app. There was a time when Match.com was mainstream, and now it’s only good for people 35 and up. Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all for dating sites and apps but I have broken down some of the best dating apps for women here.

If you’re on niche apps and you live in a small town, you’re not going to be getting a lot of results so it’s important to look at your options and pick the one that works best for you. 

I went into a little more detail on how to research a good dating site or app in my “How to Make Online Dating Easier” video.

#4. You’re Seeing Men Who Are Not High-Quality

Many of my clients and personal friends find themselves stuck in casual relationships where the man doesn’t want to make it serious. Then the woman, who is so happy to find a guy she doesn’t find repulsive, is fine to play along with this casual relationship because she hopes things will change. This is a trap that women fall into because they have not learned how to weed out the players from the boyfriend material.

I have trained myself to use self-control and to read signs that can tell me whether or not a man is interested in making things serious. The biggest and most useful piece of advice here is that a relationship-minded man will act like a boyfriend. Men who are ready to settle down want to do it quickly, they don’t need a lot of time to think when it comes to making things official.

One of my newest clients just found a man who is seriously boyfriend potential and you know what he did on one of their first dates? He noticed that her fridge was a little empty so he went out and stocked it up with a bunch of healthy high-quality food. A player who wants to booty call you and leave the next day isn’t going to do this!

Boyfriend-material men act like boyfriends. He will make an effort to take you out on real dates, text you and do “relationship” things like meet your friends.

Free Checklist: Learn more about what high-quality men are looking for, How To Attract Higher Quality Matches Checklist

#3. Your communication style is boring

Ok I know this one is a little harsh but it is the hardest skill to master when it comes to online dating! If you start your conversations with: “Hey, nice profile, what are you up to this weekend?” or worse, you start with “Hey, hows it going?” You’re probably going to get a big fat inbox full of nothing!

When you are dating online, the competition is fierce!

There are men everywhere, there are women everywhere. You have to stand out from the crowd. Many women on dating sites get a lot of incoming messages from men, but this advice still stands because even if you’re getting a lot of first messages, you have to be fun and witty to keep the conversation going.

Now, being witty and fun can definitely be a challenge, and it takes practice but here are some key things to remember.

Always stay positive

When you’re online dating or texting a new guy, you don’t want to complain or have life’s biggest problems fall in the lap of someone you just met. Remember that most people think online dating is a drag (yes, even men) and they don’t want to hear what’s wrong with you, they want to have fun. 

Ask questions about his life

Everyone likes to talk about themselves and if you ask him questions about his life, he will love it!

Asking him about his interests and hobbies is a great way for you to show that you’re interested in his personality and that you’re someone who thinks of others. Both of these are great traits to have in a girlfriend. 

Show Enthusiasm

Be excited about what he’s got going on. If he’s going on a hike, say wow that’s so cool! If he’s playing video games, say omg I’m SO bad at video games but that sounds fun! The more excited and interested you sound, the more he’s going to feel like you have a genuine interest in him. 

Be flirty!

You definitely want to tread carefully with this one. If you go too hard on the flirty texts, he’s going to think you are only interested in sex, but a little flirting is a great way to pique his interest.

If you are still texting or messaging each other on a dating site, keep the flirtiness PG rated.

Click if you want to get Free list of 30 Flirty Texts

#2. You’ve Had No Luck With Online Dating

You’re starting to feel like there are no quality matches on any of the dating apps – and I can see why!

My clients come to me with some pretty long lists of things they want in a significant other. They want someone who makes 150K a year, loves to travel, is fit, shares the same political views, has high-quality photos, good fashion sense, has no tattoos, lives within 20 miles etc. etc.

The above list is typical of many of my clients and there’s nothing wrong with it. However, you want to make sure that you are prioritizing your checklist in order of importance.

So things like this should be at the top of the list:

-Loves me for who I am

-Supports my goals

-Makes me laugh when I’m feeling upset

-Doesn’t yell when he gets angry

Many of my clients get carried away with the more “superficial” side of their checklist and they leave the important stuff on the table! Be sure that your list is picky enough that it includes the good stuff too. The stuff that makes you feel amazing every day of your life. 

You might just find yourself with someone who loves you to the moon, kisses you every night, and is a wonderful father to your kids. 

If you want to read more about this topic, be sure to check out my article – 5 Dating Standards that Actually Matter. 

#1. You’re not finding High-Quality Men

If you are consistently not finding quality men, it could be because you are struggling with your feminine energy. Feminine energy is the side of you that is attractive, and flirty and is like a magnet to men who are serious and ready for a long-term partnership. If you want to learn more about what feminine energy is and how to use it in dating, check out my guide on how to attract higher quality men.

Does Online Dating Work?

Yes! A study by eharmony showed that 20% of married met online. That means 1 out of every 5 couples and I personally think the statistics are behind the real numbers. I think that in 5 years time, we will see that number double! Just think about how many of your friends with long-term partners met online – it’s probably a significant amount!

Do Online Dating Apps Work?

Yes, but not all of them for everyone. Tinder and Bumble are the most popular dating apps so you if you live in a smaller town or city, these are your best bet. If you live in a bigger city, you can start branching out to other sites like Hinge, The League or Match.com if you are over 35. The general rule of thumb is to try one or two apps at a time, then when you get bored, switch to another. Also, eHarmony and Plenty of Fish are no longer good dating sites. I would avoid those!

Online Dating Has Me Feeling Discouraged

This is perfectly normal! Online dating is emotionally draining and one of the biggest hits to your self-esteem. The best way to combat this feeling of dread and misery when dating is to focus on your feminine energy, which is all about letting quality men take the lead and strengthening your inner self.

Lana Otoya

6 thoughts on “8 Reasons Why Online Dating Isn’t Working”

  1. Unless I missed it you left out the most common reason online dating doesn’t work; most people men and women are looking for someone way above their own level of attractiveness and desirability. If a woman is a four why would a man who’s an eight want her? People are unrealistic about their own attractivness. This is especially true of men.
    They imagine that a beautiful woman will want them because, well, they are so awesome. Sorry. Not gonna happen guys.

  2. Sorry, I disagree with your article. I am a guy and I agree with a lot of other guys that online dating sucks. I think online dating has become a social ill and that people need to be socializing and trying to meet people offline. Think of how many people you see swiping their phones and texting. They don’t even have good communication skills face to face. Online dating is very superficial. It works better for women because of the sheer fact that there is a much higher ratio of men to women on these sites so women can weed through the guys and be very picky.
    Online dating probably only works for a small percentage of men. Going to your first point, it’s mostly men that message women first by a large margin. I have been on these sites a long time and women very rarely initiate the conversation. I have heard the same from other guys as well. We message 100 women and may get a few responses and a couple of dates with women who aren’t good at socializing and getting to know you.
    A lot of men have good profiles and photos and don’t get any responses. You say it’s a numbers game, but there are a lot of women who are too picky, are just looking for a meal date and are players themselves. They ghost you and give you no responses even when you are worried about them because they told you they would like to talk, text, or meet at a certain response. It’s very shallow. I do all the things a man should do and all I have done is waste a lot of time, money, and energy on women who aren’t assertive, are shallow, and are way too picky.
    I have been on tons of sites over the years and written thousands of messages in an assertive good old fashioned ways. I have done the research. I have heard from thousands of other men. Yes women have it hard when it gets time to choosing the real boyfriends from the players because there are a lot of players on these sites, but lets face it women control the dating world online and they mostly do a terrible job.
    Yes there are cases where online dating can work but it’s mostly luck and if you are an attractive woman only. Also if you are an attractive guy there may be like a 5 percent chance it works. There are a few good guys out there but most of them just look for physical attraction so if you are attractive you have a way better chance.
    In conclusion, yes online dating may work for you, but since you have broken up with guys, would you really say it has worked? Also, you say you can have a new guy in 6 to 8 months. Do you end up settling on a guy then if your timeframe is coming to a conclusion? I would have to say I would be skeptical of dating a woman like your after writing this article. You go through more guys and say it can be done to have a great boyfriend in 6 to 8 months? Why does the relationship end for you then? Are you a player?
    Online dating is very superficial and boring. We need to go back to the days of good old face to face meetings, women being assertive, approaching people in public, work relationships, and even starting random conversations with others. Online dating is failing the millenialls , makes them narriscistic, spoiled, and shallow. It doesn’t work for the most part because people have gotten lazier over time and our civility as a culture has taken a hit. Everything is face value these days. People hide behind a computer, become overweight, and so forth. It’s like an addiction. More people should go to the gym and ask others for dates and keep their minds, and bodies healthy.

    1. Hi Ryan,

      Thanks for your comment, I appreciate you sharing your opinion on my blog. Although there are a lot of points I’d love to discuss, I’m going try to keep this quick and short.

      First this article is meant for women. So all of the problems and issues you are talking about not getting responses and all that, those are mostly male problems and not relevant to my female audience.

      Also, yes online dating is very shallow and time consuming yet it remains the most effective way to meet a partner. Quartz recently published a statistic that said 40% of couples in the US met online. That is a huge number that cannot be ignored.

      Also, I was saying in my article that I could find a suitable partner in 6 months, not that I have changed partners every 6 months. I am currently 30 and have had only 3 boyfriends in my whole life. My relationships have lasted around 3 years on average and the latest one has just hit the 3 year mark and we are still going strong.

      If I were to give you one piece of advice it would be this. Wishing that the world were different is going to get you nowhere. There’s nothing stopping you from going out there and meeting women in real life but if that’s not working, it’s better to get more efficient and less bitter about online dating and your chances of finding an amazing partner just skyrocketed. Also it seems that you are struggling a lot in the dating scene, may I remind you that I offer coaching 🙂 anyway best of luck to you my friend!

  3. I really needed tips #1 and #7 I know I shouldn’t expect online dating to be romantic and yet I still do. I need to get over this. I also need to lower my expectations I have an ideal guy in my head that discourages me from dating because I can’t find a guy close to it. I realize this is so dumb and I need to get over myself. Great post and thanks for the tips.

    1. Thanks for this lovely comment. I am glad the article was helpful. Good luck with your online dating 🙂

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