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Do You Have Abandonment Issues?
Are you afraid of losing the people you love most?
If you are, that doesn’t mean you have abandonment issues.
All of us, deep down, are afraid of losing the things we love most.
So then, how can you tell if your insecurity about losing someone is healthy, or if it’s a sign of an emotionally damaging fear?
I’m here today to help you figure that out.
If you do many of the things on this list, you may have abandonment issues that are hurting your chances of finding love.
And as a professional dating coach, I can’t have you hurting your chances of finding love!
So I made this list of 15 ways to help you answer the question: Do I have abandonment issues?
Related: How To Be A Better Girlfriend
The first sign of unhealthy abandonment issues is self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens when you want to keep control of the relationship.
Wanting to keep control is rooted in the deep insecurity that you are not worthy of having a relationship last forever.
You feel deep down that people will always leave eventually, so you self-sabotage the relationship to keep control.
When you self-sabotage, if the relationship fails, you can tell yourself:
“It was because I ruined it, not because the person left me.”
This is a very unhealthy way to try to protect yourself from pain, and remain in control.
Do you do this? Do you self-sabotage your relationships? Here are a few of the signs of self-sabotage in relationships.
Remember that self-sabotage is something that can be helped by using your feminine energy.
When you use feminine energy, you calm your mind and your body and have a healthier mindset towards relationships. You can learn more about that here.
#15 – Picking Fights
People with abandonment issues love to fight.
But you kind of get it, don’t you…
When you’re fighting, in a weird way, you’re connecting with your partner. If you see them fight with you, it’s a sign that they still care.
That they want to stay in the relationship and fight for it as well.
So by picking a fight, you can almost test to see that they are still in this relationship with you.
In a weird way, fighting can feel good.
But you know it’s not the right thing to do.
You know that even though picking fights feels (weirdly) good and makes it seem like the two of you are fighters for love – you know it’s slowly destroying the relationship.
That’s you self-sabotaging.
You want to be the one who starts the fight and the one who gets the last word.
That way, you’re always in control, and you can “never” get hurt.
#14 – Criticizing
A great way to self-sabotage a relationship is to try and expect someone to be perfect.
Let’s say you have a certain standard of what you want out of your partner.
You draw a line in the air saying: “I just want him to be here.”
So you decide that it’s up to you to help him get to that line and be good enough for the relationship.
- You tell him that he should be more communicative.
- That he should be better at meeting your needs.
- Or that he should have different hobbies.
If you’re unsure if you do this, ask yourself one question.
Is my partner good enough or do I think they should change?
If you think they should change, you’re either not meant to be together, or you’re self-sabotaging so that you can keep control.
#13 – Building Resentment
Building resentment can also be known as holding a grudge.
You have a great memory, don’t you?
You can remember all the little things that your partner has done, or hasn’t done, and you just hold onto these things.
You wait for the time that you can use them as ammo.
It’s not because you’re trying to cause fights, it’s just because you want things to be “fair”.
If he asks you for a ride home from a party because he’s drunk, you specifically remember the time you asked him for a ride – and he didn’t give it to you.
Why should you go out of your way to do something for him that he didn’t do for you?
If you have this “eye for an eye” mindset, it’s likely because you’re afraid to give too much without getting enough in return.
If you have abandonment issues, you’re trying to make sure that you don’t get “too close” to someone who might not be in it for the long-haul.
So you keep count. You keep score to make sure they are putting in the effort.
This gets you holding a grudge and building up unhealthy resentment.
I am going to say the following thing as your friend, who just happens to also be a professional dating coach, and that is:
Emotionally stable people don’t keep count of the other person’s flaws and mistakes. You have to let them go.
I know it’s hard, but you can do it. Here is a post on how to stop negative thinking. It will help get your mind heading in the right direction.
#12 – Always Needing to Be Right
Again we have another one that is all about keeping control.
When you’re “right”, you get to keep the “upper hand” in the relationship.
You get to sleep at night knowing that you’re the one putting in all the effort and you’re doing your best. It’s him that needs to step up his game and do better.
Again, this is another thing you’re doing just so you can keep control and tell yourself that the relationship was ruined because of your standards, not because he wanted to leave you.
Remember that self-sabotage is all about creating that “backup plan” that if he leaves, it was because you wanted it to happen.
It seems weird that people who have abandonment issues would want to self-sabotage, but I’ll give you an easy way to see why this is.
Imagine giving your whole heart to someone. You accept their flaws. Give them the benefit of the doubt. And love them no matter what, and then… they leave you anyway.
That’s freaking terrifying.
It’s the fear of how that’s going to feel that makes people with abandonment issues so afraid to give their all without putting up some kind of wall.
#11 – Threatening To Leave
“If you keep doing this, then I’m going to leave.”
“If that keeps happening, then maybe we should break up.”
If you catch yourself saying stuff like that, it’s because you’re testing the person to see what they’ll say.
You want to say something shocking like that so that you can see their reaction. If they get scared and apologize or say that they would never want you to leave, then bingo!
You know that they still love you.
And that’s all you really wanted to hear. Because you’re so afraid that they’re going to leave you.
If you find yourself saying things like this so that you can test your partner’s love for you, or so that they’ll change their attitude to show they care…you likely have abandonment issues.
This is an unhealthy way to treat your partner and it is in the “self-sabotage” category because doing this too many times with someone will surely end the relationship for real.
Nobody wants to feel like they can just be dropped. If you want a healthy relationship with someone, you have to show them that you are all in and that they are always enough.
Clinging to Unhealthy Relationships
If you’re wondering if you have abandonment issues, you’re probably deathly afraid of being left alone.
This will make you want to stay in a relationship no matter the circumstances. Because in your mind, anything is better than being single and alone.
This could be a result of events that happened in the past such as:
- A parent who wasn’t very reliable, or left the family.
- A close loved one pass away when you were young.
- A very close friend (or multiple) decided that they didn’t want to be your friend anymore.
These life experiences have resulted in a fear of being left by people that you love.
#10 – Hating Being Single
Ok don’t get me wrong, going from a happy(ish) relationship, to being single can be a total shock to the system.
This is true, even for emotionally stable people.
If you’re used to being in a partnership and now have to do everything alone, it feels lonely and dark.
What’s not normal, is absolutely hating being single. Like “I can’t stand this feeling and I’ll do anything not to feel it.”
Signs that you feel this could way include:
- Having a “friends with benefits” relationship (and feeling terrible or guilty about sex once the act is over)
- Staying in contact with your ex or sleeping with him
- Jumping into a rebound relationship quickly, and often
If you’re doing any of the above things, and it makes you feel bad, then you’re likely just trying to fill in that hole that you feel when you’re lonely.
This is a big sign that you could have unhealthy abandonment issues.
#9 – History of emotional abuse
When you look back at your past relationships, do you see a history of emotional abuse?
This could be either receiving emotional abuse from your partner or giving emotional abuse to your partner.
People with abandonment issues are also more likely to be emotionally abused.
If you look at your past relationships and see a history of unhealthy behavior, it could be a sign that you were trying to force a relationship that wasn’t working, simply because you didn’t want to be left behind.
I call this “trying to fit a square peg into a round hole” and it’s very common amongst people who have anxious attachment styles, meaning that they have a fear of abandonment.
If you have abandonment issues, you might settle for a relationship that is full of fighting, unhealthy behavior, and unhappy moments, just because it’s comfortable and familiar.
Related: 65 Signs of Emotional Abuse
#8 – Strong Highs and Lows
Another sign that you may have abandonment issues is if your relationships are filled with very strong highs and lows.
You’ll go from being passionately in love and experiencing “the best sex you’ve ever had” to big, loud and abusive fights where feelings are deeply hurt.
No relationship is perfect. We know this. But-
Extremely loud and dramatic fights that are hurtful and “cause a scene” are not normal.
People who are emotionally stable will see this kind of behavior in a relationship and will not put up with it for long. They see loud and dramatic fights, and they leave because they do not want any part of it.
People with abandonment issues, are more likely to put up with this kind of behavior because they don’t want to be left alone and they believe that love should be worth “fighting for”.
If you want signs of what a healthier relationship looks like, see this post.
#7 – The Belief That Things Will Change
If you have abandonment issues, you are likely very “optimistic” about the future of a bad relationship.
“Things will get better when we are engaged”
“We’ll have things figured out when we move into the new house”
But relationships don’t work like this.
If two people have the ability to be happy with each other and make things work, they are able to do this in any circumstance.
If you have abandoment issues, you might be too easy-going when it comes to the standards of your relationship and you’re putting up with too much drama, abuse and fighting.
Instead, you have to swap this out for a relationship that meets your needs and makes you feel happy, 95% of the time.
Related: Healthy Communication in Marriage
#6 – Getting back With Exes
Have you ever given your ex a “second chance” only to find out that things didn’t change?
If so, it could be a sign that you have abandonment issues.
If you feel that you are constantly reaching out to your exes even though you know they are not good for you, it’s likely because you just want to feel that comfort of a warm body.
People with abandonment issues would rather sleep beside someone who isn’t good for them, than sleep alone.
This is totally understandable.
Being alone and single and can really suck.
But going back into unhealthy relationships is not going to solve this problem.
You need to look for a high-quality man who is worth your time and gives you the relationship you deserve.
You are worth it.
Another major sign that you have abandonment issues is if you always need reassurance in your relationship.
Here are some signs to help you see if you constantly need reassurance.
#5 – Self-doubt
Do you feel like you might not be good enough for your partner?
Or like you’re not meeting up to his expectations?
These are signs that you are afraid of him leaving you, and that means you have unhealthy abandonment issues.
When you are emotionally stable, you’re not afraid of someone leaving because you realize a simple but very difficult to believe statement. The statement is:
If he wants to go then, I don’t want to be with him.
An emotionally stable person only wants to spend their time with people who appreciate it.
If your partner doesn’t appreciate you and the joys of life that you bring to the table, they are not worth your time.
If you have abandoment issues, you’ll want to stay with the person no matter what.
Even if they don’t want to be there, you’ll try to convince them to stay or try to change your personality to meet their expectations.
These are not healthy ways to treat yourself!
You are good enough just as you are and if someone doesn’t see that, you don’t want to be with them.
#4 – Looking for Signs of Love
If you have abandonment issues, you constantly question and doubt if your partner still loves you.
Like maybe you’re driving in the car and he rests is hand on your knee.
A small action like this can mean the world to you if you have abandonment issues.
This is because it reassures you that you are still “ok” and the relationship is likely to continue for a little bit longer.
This kind of attitude will completely destroy your mental health from the inside out.
What you’re doing is putting your well-being at the hands of someone else.
This is not right!
You are the only one that has control over your own mental health.
Remember feminine energy is all about loving and appreciating yourself. When you do this, you actually make men want to try harder for you and give you more.
It’s not the other way around!
If you want to learn more about feminine energy in relationships, click here.
#3 – Testing Your Partner
If you have abandonment issues, you will want to test your partner in unhealthy ways.
The tests are all to “check and see” if he still loves you.
You’ll ask him if he wants to go to your sister’s wedding with you and if he says “no” you’ll take that as a sign that he doesn’t love you.
Or you ask him if he has any plans for next week, knowing that it’s your 6-month anniversary. If he says “no” then, again, he has failed the test.
Putting your partner through these little “tests” is a sign of abandonment issues because it shows that you want to remain in control.
You want to “test” to see if he’s losing interest so that you can “prepare yourself” if he fails the test, or “relax” and feel comfortable again if he passes the test.
These are unhealthy actions in a relationship. Doing this only hurts your mental health.
Remember, if he wants to leave, then you don’t want to be with him because you only give your time and energy to people who deserve and appreciate it. That’s real feminine strength!
#2 – Feeling of Neediness
This is one of the biggest and most obvious signs of abandonment issues.
It’s a constant feeling of neediness and clingyness.
Like you always want to be with your partner or at least know what they are up to.
If they don’t text you back or don’t seem to want your attention, you reach out even more and cling to them harder.
The frustrating part is, the more you try to cling to someone, the more they will naturally pull away.
This is because there is such a thing as a “polarity” in relationships. Its a push and pull and if you push too much, the other person will start to pull.
This is a big reason why feminine energy is all about making the other person do the “pushing” so that you can sit back and receive attention instead of begging for it.
Cycling Through Relationships
#1 – Serial Monogamy
Serial monogamy is going from one “serious” relationship to the next, it could mean you have abandonment issues.
Even when your relationships only last a few months, they are always very serious.
You talk about marriage, kids, and having a family.
Then if the relationship doesn’t last, you’re onto the next “serious” relationship in a very short amount of time.
This is a big sign that you just want to be in a relationship no matter what, and you don’t want to feel lonely.
Feeling lonely while single is a very real problem, but you don’t want to use this as an excuse to date low-quality men who aren’t serious.
Learn more about dating higher-quality men here.
Please remember that everybody who reads this post is going to relate to some of these signs.
You only have real abandonment issues if you can relate to all or more than half of the signs.
If you seriously identify with many items on this list, be sure to check out the values of feminine energy in relationships by clicking here.
How To Attract A Man That Is High Quality
I hope you found this article helpful but it does you no good if you’re not attracting High-Quality Men.
Find out what High-Quality men look for in a woman, check out my Free Guide “How To Attract Higher-Quality Men”. It’s free!