A female-led relationship (or FLR for short) means that you get to be in charge. It’s when the traditional gender roles in a relationship are switched. The woman makes the decisions to move the relationship forward and the man plays a submissive role.
A female led relationship won’t work for everyone, but when it does work, it can be a fulfilling and loving partnership.
What does a female led relationship mean?
When you’re in an FLR relationship, the gender roles will be swapped. You can either be in a moderately female-led relationship or an extreme one. The different levels are completely up to each couple. Here is a list of things that would take place in order for the FLR to be extreme:
- The woman asks the man on the first date
- She initiates dates from then on
- The woman determines when they are officially a couple
- She may also be the dominant one in the bedroom
- The woman will propose
- The woman plays a dominant role sexually
- The man stays home with the kids and does the housework and cleaning while the woman goes to work and financially supports the household.
The above example shows an extreme breakdown of a female led relationship, but all relationships are different so you don’t have to take it this far if you don’t want to.
It is also common for a relationship to start out a little more traditional and then move into a female-led relationship as the couple figures out that they want to go in that direction.
It should also be noted that an FLR relationship doesn’t need to transition into the bedroom. There are no “official rules” so if you prefer to be the dominant one in the relationship, but not in the bedroom, this is also fine.
What is it like to be in a Female Led Relationship?
Just like with any kind of relationship, an FLR has it’s pros and cons. We will take a look now at what it’s like to be in one. First, we’ll take a look at the benefits.
Things will go at your own pace
The best part about being in a female led relationship during the dating phase is that you are the one that calls the shots. You can choose when and where the next date will be. Or decide when you’ll be “official”. You decide when to move in together.
It will be such a breath of fresh air not to always be wondering or worse, waiting!
This is excellent for successful, confident and Type-A women because these kinds of women are used to calling the shots.
If you have worked your way up to financial success, you know what it takes to be the one to make the decisions. This doesn’t (or shouldn’t) change when you’re in a relationship.
Your needs will be met
A man who is happily in a female led relationship wants to take the back seat so that the woman can reach her goals.
Did you get a big job promotion in another city? That means he’s moving with you to a new location.
Do you want to hold off having kids so you can travel around the world? He’ll have to wait to start the family.
Your strengths can flourish
One of the most difficult things for strong successful women to handle in relationships is that (traditionally) they aren’t allowed to take the lead. You are good at making plans and decisions. You don’t want to wait around for a man to get his act together.
In an FLR relationship, you don’t have to wait for anyone.
If you have a man who wants you to plan things for him and wants you to call the shots, your strengths are allowed to flourish in the relationship instead of being pushed down.
He can be vulnerable
Men in an FLR can be open about their feelings and emotions. If he is not afraid of looking “weak” and sharing his fears and insecurities, he will have better mental health. This will surely make him a more emotionally stable partner.
Now, let’s look at some downsides that can happen in an FLR:
Difficult to find
This kind of relationship is not the norm and many men will not be willing to partake in something like this. As a dating coach, I am very familiar with the fact that dating is a numbers game. Whenever you make a decision that reduces the number of available options for you, the dating process can take much longer.
Slippery slope to abuse
Just because you have an easy-going man in your life, doesn’t mean that he never gets to have a say. Healthy relationships work best when there is equality and both people have an opinion. If you have a man who likes to compromise and enjoys supporting you, that’s awesome but you don’t want to abuse that. He gets to have a say no matter what kind of “label’ you put on your relationship.
PS, Learn more here, 65 Signs of Emotional Abuse.
Difficult to change your mind
If you start out with a relationship like this and then in your mid 30’s realize that you rather be at home taking care of the kids, that idea might not fly. A man who is interested in a relationship like this is signing up for something very specific so you have to be sure that you are going to stick to the agreement.
Just like you wouldn’t want him to change the deal, you can’t do that to him.
Do Female Led Relationships Work?
Yes, of course! Women have come a long way since the days when we couldn’t sign up for our own credit cards.
Most women today are successful, confident, and well educated. You’re likely in this boat and you can easily transition from taking control of your own life to taking control of your relationship.
As long as you find a man that is happy to take part in whatever arrangement you have decided on, it will work out. That doesn’t mean you won’t need to pay attention to a few different factors, however. Let’s go into detail.
Good Communication
All relationships require good communication to flourish, but in an FLR this can be even more important. If you want your FLR to be extreme, you’re going to have to talk things out so that both of you know where the boundaries are.
Like I said before, just because you are taking the more traditional “leader” role in the relationship, doesn’t mean that compromise is out the window.
It can’t always be your way or the highway.
Communication about roles and boundaries is essential. Here are a few examples of topics that should be discussed:
- Who is financially responsible for the household?
- If only one person takes on the finances, what does the other person do to provide?
- How does each partner want to perform sexually? Are there exceptions? When?
- How open are you about discussing your relationship guidelines in public or with others?
- How does the gender role swap come into effect when there are children in the picture?
If this seems like a lot of things to discuss, it isn’t. Couples who are in a traditional relationship also have to discuss these topics. It’s just that in a traditional relationship, things can more easily be assumed but this can lead to fights or arguments, even in a traditional relationship.
Use the fact that your relationship is not traditional to ensure that you are communicating with each other. This ensures that you start on a stronger foundation than a traditional relationship would.
Learn more here: Healthy Communication In Marriage
Beta Males More Likely To Agree To This
With my extensive experience in the dating industry, I have spoken to a lot of alpha men (who were wealthy and successful) and they are not usually attracted to this kind of relationship. If you want to be the dominant one, this means you bring the masculine energy and your partner will likely have to bring the “feminine” energy.
This would make him more easy-going, willing to give and willing to put your needs first, also known as a beta male.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a beta male, and in fact they often make extremely loving and supportive partners.
Alpha males who are the traditional “confident and successful” type, usually come with the baggage of high-stress, narcissistic, workaholics, anger management issues or opinionated.
Finding a beta male doesn’t have to be a requirement, however. Here is an interesting point from Medium about alpha males in FLRs.
In many ways, the relationship paradigm termed “Female Led Relationship” (FLR) has been around for centuries. Matriarchal societies have historical basis and the Fertility/Goddess energy has been worshiped throughout time.
One reason it works is that male energy thrives on striving.
Earning reward is natural to the male psyche and when targeted to erotic sexual reward — the FLR dynamic may liberate vital aspects of the male energy which range from a submissive state, to the primal sexual Beast nature and finally to the tempered, superior Apha Warrior Man, a Divine Masculine perfected.
As you can see, the alpha male can be motivated by striving to achieve a goal.
If his goal is to please his woman, he can devote his life to doing this without sacrificing traditionally alpha male qualities. Qualities such as assertiveness, confidence, and potentially even the drive to achieve financial success.
How Do You Start a Female Led Relationship?
Be Ok With A Beta Man
Many of the confident and successful women that I coach have worked their way up to success and want a confident and successful man as a partner.
If you want to be the leader in the relationship, you will likely not get that confident and successful man. The typical alpha man will struggle with this relationship. I mentioned above that an alpha male might be ok with this, but I would say this is a severe exception to the rule.
You’ll have to be ok with him being beta which comes with downsides such as:
- More sensitive and easily hurt
- Lazy or “too laid back” attitude
- Needs your support and guidance for most things
- Shy to talk about their true feelings
If those things don’t bother you, then you’ll do very well in an FLR and can begin attracting the right type of man for this which I will discuss below.
PS. If you feel like you are a confident and successful woman who does want a confident and successful man, this will require a completely different approach. Learn more with my free checklist: How To Attract Higher-Quality Men.
Show Your Dominance in Your Dating Profile
The best way to save you time in dating is to make sure that your profile is perfectly crafted to attract the person that is going to suit your lifestyle. The way that you do this if you want to be in a female led relationship is to highlight your dominant qualities. This means specifically mentioning things like:
- “I am a planner and like to make decisions to reach my goals”
- Specific details about the financial success you have achieved
- “If you are an easy-going man that isn’t afraid to support a woman in achieving her dreams, send me a message. Bonus points if you’re shy.”
Remember that you don’t ever want to come across as negative or complaining. But simply outlining the type of relationship that you’re looking for will help you attract men that are interested in this. This will save you a lot of time.
PS. If you need help with any of this, be sure to check out my coaching packages.
Learn more here: How To Write a Good Online Dating Profile
Take Charge In The Bedroom
Showing dominance in the bedroom is not a requirement for an FLR but it can really seal the deal if both of you are interested in this. If you play a very dominant role while the two of you are in the bedroom, the dynamic will definitely carry over to all aspects of the relationship.
How Do FLR Relationships Work In Dating?
As a dating coach, most of my clients are looking for a strong alpha male so I help my clients channel their feminine qualities so that they can be more attractive to this kind of man.
If you are looking for an FLR, then you’ll want to do the opposite. You’ll want to channel your masculine energy. Here is a list of traditionally masculine qualities that you’ll want to bring to the forefront:
- Makes decisions quickly
- Takes action
- Confident and assertive
- Strives to get their way
- Outgoing and vocal
- The need to be the provider
If you can channel these aspects of your personality then you will attract the kind of man that is happy to be in this kind of relationship.
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Any tips on what a beta guy can do to attract an alpha female?
Hi Lana
I’m very interested in this article about FLR.
I am interested in this lifestyle for my marriage. My wife is very much in control in my marriage and I love it however I have a need to cuckolded for many years. It’s one of the first things I mentioned whilst we were dating.
Are you able to help please?
Kind regards
Rali
I would like to be in an FLR, my wife has previously taken the dominant role but she was really just playing at it. I would love it if she did it for real, is it possible?
Why do many FLR websites tell the man that he has to hand over all his assets (savings, house, retirement) and paychecks over to the woman? It seems too risky for an older male who needs these assets to live in retirement.
Hmm i’m not sure but I’ve never suggested this. Thanks for your comment Paul!
I have been saving for 30 years and own two homes that should belong to my superior wife that I cherish and worship.
I dispute when described as Alpha Female. But I am going to make my own decisions – that’s a non-negotiable in my relationships. I trust me. It’s as natural to me as breathing.
But control also means I am nurturing and protective in relationships. I am responsible for the choices I make and how happy they make both of us.
But the one piece of advice I will always give (mental health peer counselor in my other life) is that, ultimately, you are happiest being yourself. You can’t force it, you can’t be something you aren’t, just to try make someone else happy.
How would finances work when both are much older and have significant assets (retirement savings)? All I’ve seen is that the woman controls the finances. I can not get over this hurdle because I (the male) need to control my assets going into the relationship. Another issue I have is that I have sexual health issues that would in many cases not allow me to do all the bedroom requirements (I could not do the chastity cage, etc). It does not look like these are taken into consideration. Plus to top it all off I have high anxiety whenever my housework is judged. I would just act unpredictability. And that would prohibit me from taking on chores that are judged and stay sane.
How does a man respectfully tell his woman he is not at all interested in FLRs without destroying her? I am in that situation. I want to keep the relationship as long as is isn’t a FLR. I can not see myself in a relationship where I have less than an equal say in the bedroom and could potentially lead to forced chastity cage. Also I did not see where my needs and happiness would be cared for (a priority). I do not buy into the “Hero Instinct” in that it seems quite phoney.
I am the male in a male led relationship but have a Valentine’s question for the females in a female led relationship.
In my MLR since I am the leader I get my female the major presents on Valentine’s Day. This includes Flowers and very nice jewelry and a set of gormet chocolates. I got a small game (it was something I wanted though). I also handle ALL the arrangements for a romantic night out including paying for it. Female leaders in FLRs do you do something similar for your male? I am curious because my son and his girlfriend are contemplating a FLR. I want him to have all the facts.
I bought my partner a 500$ gaming chair, a teddy bear, a box of his favorite snacks, a card, and several other small sentimental gifts. I also planned dinner for us. He did buy me several gifts, but I do the majority of our planning with input from him. Tell your son the biggest key is definitely communication.
I have been the Alpha Male in a beautiful marriage for 30 years, I am 54 and wife is 51. I have recently become very excited and drawn to FLR. I have never been so drawn to anything in my life. I truly found my true calling and want nothing more than to serve and worship her. But my Wife is submissive by nature. She is willing to switch roles but lacks the confidence and knowledge how to switch over. I am afraid after 30 years this may be to much to overcome and for that I am very sad on the outlook on this progressing where I would like to see it go. Any info or books you can suggest that could help her we would love to receive an email from you with any helpful tips.
Thank you,
T
Hi Todd, she could benefit from my coaching sessions. Visit millennialships.com/coaching to apply.
I am like your wife . My husband of 23 years has been trying to get me on the same page for years. It is really causing issues in our marriage and he’s not happy bc I seem to can’t give him what he wants/needs. I am not sure there is anything I can do to fix it at this point.. my husband wants me to “make” him do things and have punishments if he doesn’t. He’s what you call a brat. Can’t start with one thing it has to be all of it all the time..
Hopefully your wife will comply so she doesn’t end up like me.. I will gladly take any advice !! ?
Amanda, this is the problem with so many “submissive” men that you can read about online. If someone wants *you* to “comply” then they’re in a dominant role and wanting for you to submit to their wishes. It’s disrespectful because they want you to simply feed their kinks, basically what they would otherwise pay a professional dominatrix for.
If you’re interested in going down the path, I recommend that you start simply by sitting him down and explaining that every single aspect of this relationship change will be on *your* terms and at *your* pace. *You* will be in control, because, isn’t that what he wants? That probably means that he doesn’t get everything he wants, at least not immediately.
Keep in mind that he’s been fantasizing about this for years, possibly decades. So he has this idea of what his idealized dominant wife will do and he’s excited by the idea. You will likely never be the woman in his fantasies, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You need to be you.
That said, the easiest way to dip a toe in these waters is with enforced chastity and a few chores to get him started. Even with those things he’s going to have some ornate fantasy about how it’ll play out and you’ll have to explain that it’ll be on your terms.
The simplest way to do this is for you to quietly buy a pair of handcuffs (they don’t have to be fancy) and a male chastity device (also doesn’t have to be fancy).
One evening after dinner tell him you’d like to talk with him about the whole FLR thing, but that you’d like to have him cuffed while talking. Then do it. Hands behind his back, and have him sit on the sofa. Trust me, as a submissive myself I can tell you that being bound even lightly has a profound influence on attitude and will help out.
Present the “device” and install it. Let him know that whining about it or even mentioning it will cause a delay in eventual release.
Then explain the chores that he’ll start out with. I recommend strongly that he be responsible 100% for the laundry and house cleaning. He starts those duties immediately. Probably a good idea to wait until laundry day for this talk.
As for the device, his fantasy is that every day you’ll tie him up, take it off, and play with him until he’s insane with lust and then lock him back up. That’s his fantasy. You’re in charge. You do whatever you like. I can tell you that his fantasy is a lot of work for you so don’t let him push you into anything.
Depending on the device, it might need to be cleaned every few days. You probably want to look online for recommendations for steel devices that don’t have to be removed for cleaning, then you can just let him clean up in the shower.
You can have “play time” however you want. I strongly suggest that his hands are bound behind his back before the device is removed and unbound only when the device is in place. That way, you are 100% responsible for whatever pleasure he receives, which is important. If you want to tease, it’s your right. Whatever you like.
One last recommendation is to explain to him that he’ll be let out for actual relief after two weeks of you being pleased every single day. “Pleased” is whatever you define it as since you’re in control. That means at a minimum that his chores are completed on time and to your satisfaction. It might mean that your nightly foot rubs were good, that he didn’t whine, whatever you want. The two weeks gets reset if he screws up, so it might be awhile before he gets the relief that he will desperately want.
And, lastly, I would recommend that during your “talks” while his hands are bound behind his back and you’re giving him relief you make him openly share his fantasies with you. Make his relief contingent on his complete openness and honesty. Don’t judge him for the crazy stuff he’ll tell you, but feel free to keep track of information that you can use later. For instance, he might mention a fetish. You are under no obligation to indulge it, but doing so might make it easier to control him.
Hope that helps. The real summary is that you’re in control, so you make the rules.
I have been in one for many years. IMHO the natural order of creation is for men to defer to women in their relationships and society at large. I feel the world would be a much better place if that were the case.
I always felt deep in my heart that Women will always make great leaders in everyday life. I would love to find my FLR partner one day to cherish, love and honor her Dominant role.
This is a nice article. I am a high energy guy and I am perceived as an alpha male at work but when it comes to relationship, I prefer my girlfriend to have the central role. When I was younger, I felt ashamed of that. I had many relationships that didn’t work for that reason.
it’s a good thing women feel more and more confortable with different power structure in a relatonship.
I think it’s a good choice for me. thank you so much for your information to clear FLR for me.
In some ways, it just makes sense. It’s pretty common in relationships to have one partner who wants to be the final word on big decisions. If both parties agree in advance that this is going to be the wife or girlfriend, there’s going to be a lot less conflict and a lot less second guessing. In our case, pretending to be equal partners wouldn’t have made any difference in how any of the decisions would have come out, and there would have been a lot more confusion and hurt feelings. FLR makes things a lot clearer, and it’s been great for Sarah’s happiness and confidence. And it makes things easy for me – just love and obey.
Love the idea of flr now I just need the female
I like to be seduced… i wish more woman would do it
That’s what’s lacking in patriarchal Western society. Even in the Middle East countries that the West looks down upon, women are seductive and more feminine. Western world and especially the USA reduced women’s power into what benefit the status quo: running businesses and voting for canditates who are already chosen for them. Women’s freedom is a big illusion in the US. Women are masculine and afraid to be vulnerable/feminine. Many of them are proud not being a ‘girly girl’ and being a tomboy instead. Feminine power is not about copying men to be powerful. It’s about being feminine and making men bow to the feminine allure.
I’m with you. People don’t fully understand it as yet. Buy I see it as something that will work better and make things more interesting.
I’d go all the way with, chastity, let her feminise me peg me the lot.
It’s a hard one to work upto to but Imagine being the cuckold. It’s not cheating so long as u both agree. The guy isn’t going to be around. They’re one off’s. Your partner will have the best sexualising release. Her mood will always be happier. I don’t know but the idea of being in chastity not knowing when I will be given permission to cum, feminised and my wife randomly slaps me puts me on my knees and pegs me is pretty hot.
She owns you. You body your mind and your soul. You’d be doing things you never imagined. She will love u all the more.
I could not agree with you more!
No she’ll eventually dump you, for a more masculine man. If she has all the say and you’re stuck at home, it’s inevitable. Many of these FLRs have ended in this way.