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Female Led Relationship – How It Works and How To Get One

A female-led relationship (or FLR for short) means that you get to be in charge. It’s when the traditional gender roles in a relationship are switched. The woman makes the decisions to move the relationship forward and the man plays a submissive role.

A female led relationship won’t work for everyone, but when it does work, it can be a fulfilling and loving partnership.

Female led relationship

What does a female led relationship mean?

When you’re in an FLR relationship, the gender roles will be swapped. You can either be in a moderately female-led relationship or an extreme one. The different levels are completely up to each couple. Here is a list of things that would take place in order for the FLR to be extreme:

  • The woman asks the man on the first date
  • She initiates dates from then on
  • The woman determines when they are officially a couple
  • She may also be the dominant one in the bedroom
  • The woman will propose
  • The woman plays a dominant role sexually
  • The man stays home with the kids and does the housework and cleaning while the woman goes to work and financially supports the household.

The above example shows an extreme breakdown of a female led relationship, but all relationships are different so you don’t have to take it this far if you don’t want to.

It is also common for a relationship to start out a little more traditional and then move into a female-led relationship as the couple figures out that they want to go in that direction.

It should also be noted that an FLR relationship doesn’t need to transition into the bedroom. There are no “official rules” so if you prefer to be the dominant one in the relationship, but not in the bedroom, this is also fine.

What is it like to be in a Female Led Relationship?

Just like with any kind of relationship, an FLR has it’s pros and cons. We will take a look now at what it’s like to be in one. First, we’ll take a look at the benefits.

Things will go at your own pace

The best part about being in a female led relationship during the dating phase is that you are the one that calls the shots. You can choose when and where the next date will be. Or decide when you’ll be “official”. You decide when to move in together.

It will be such a breath of fresh air not to always be wondering or worse, waiting!

This is excellent for successful, confident and Type-A women because these kinds of women are used to calling the shots.

If you have worked your way up to financial success, you know what it takes to be the one to make the decisions. This doesn’t (or shouldn’t) change when you’re in a relationship.

Your needs will be met

A man who is happily in a female led relationship wants to take the back seat so that the woman can reach her goals.

Did you get a big job promotion in another city? That means he’s moving with you to a new location.

Do you want to hold off having kids so you can travel around the world? He’ll have to wait to start the family.

Your strengths can flourish

One of the most difficult things for strong successful women to handle in relationships is that (traditionally) they aren’t allowed to take the lead. You are good at making plans and decisions. You don’t want to wait around for a man to get his act together.

In an FLR relationship, you don’t have to wait for anyone.

If you have a man who wants you to plan things for him and wants you to call the shots, your strengths are allowed to flourish in the relationship instead of being pushed down.

He can be vulnerable

Men in an FLR can be open about their feelings and emotions. If he is not afraid of looking “weak” and sharing his fears and insecurities, he will have better mental health. This will surely make him a more emotionally stable partner.

Now, let’s look at some downsides that can happen in an FLR:

Difficult to find

This kind of relationship is not the norm and many men will not be willing to partake in something like this. As a dating coach, I am very familiar with the fact that dating is a numbers game. Whenever you make a decision that reduces the number of available options for you, the dating process can take much longer.

Slippery slope to abuse

Just because you have an easy-going man in your life, doesn’t mean that he never gets to have a say. Healthy relationships work best when there is equality and both people have an opinion. If you have a man who likes to compromise and enjoys supporting you, that’s awesome but you don’t want to abuse that. He gets to have a say no matter what kind of “label’ you put on your relationship.

PS, Learn more here, 65 Signs of Emotional Abuse.

Difficult to change your mind

If you start out with a relationship like this and then in your mid 30’s realize that you rather be at home taking care of the kids, that idea might not fly. A man who is interested in a relationship like this is signing up for something very specific so you have to be sure that you are going to stick to the agreement.

Just like you wouldn’t want him to change the deal, you can’t do that to him.

Do Female Led Relationships Work?

Yes, of course! Women have come a long way since the days when we couldn’t sign up for our own credit cards.

Most women today are successful, confident, and well educated. You’re likely in this boat and you can easily transition from taking control of your own life to taking control of your relationship.

As long as you find a man that is happy to take part in whatever arrangement you have decided on, it will work out. That doesn’t mean you won’t need to pay attention to a few different factors, however. Let’s go into detail.

Good Communication

All relationships require good communication to flourish, but in an FLR this can be even more important. If you want your FLR to be extreme, you’re going to have to talk things out so that both of you know where the boundaries are.

Like I said before, just because you are taking the more traditional “leader” role in the relationship, doesn’t mean that compromise is out the window.

It can’t always be your way or the highway.

Communication about roles and boundaries is essential. Here are a few examples of topics that should be discussed:

  • Who is financially responsible for the household?
  • If only one person takes on the finances, what does the other person do to provide?
  • How does each partner want to perform sexually? Are there exceptions? When?
  • How open are you about discussing your relationship guidelines in public or with others?
  • How does the gender role swap come into effect when there are children in the picture?

If this seems like a lot of things to discuss, it isn’t. Couples who are in a traditional relationship also have to discuss these topics. It’s just that in a traditional relationship, things can more easily be assumed but this can lead to fights or arguments, even in a traditional relationship.

Use the fact that your relationship is not traditional to ensure that you are communicating with each other. This ensures that you start on a stronger foundation than a traditional relationship would.

Learn more here: Healthy Communication In Marriage

Beta Males More Likely To Agree To This

With my extensive experience in the dating industry, I have spoken to a lot of alpha men (who were wealthy and successful) and they are not usually attracted to this kind of relationship. If you want to be the dominant one, this means you bring the masculine energy and your partner will likely have to bring the “feminine” energy.

This would make him more easy-going, willing to give and willing to put your needs first, also known as a beta male.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a beta male, and in fact they often make extremely loving and supportive partners.

Alpha males who are the traditional “confident and successful” type, usually come with the baggage of high-stress, narcissistic, workaholics, anger management issues or opinionated.

Finding a beta male doesn’t have to be a requirement, however. Here is an interesting point from Medium about alpha males in FLRs.

In many ways, the relationship paradigm termed “Female Led Relationship” (FLR) has been around for centuries. Matriarchal societies have historical basis and the Fertility/Goddess energy has been worshiped throughout time.

One reason it works is that male energy thrives on striving.

Earning reward is natural to the male psyche and when targeted to erotic sexual reward — the FLR dynamic may liberate vital aspects of the male energy which range from a submissive state, to the primal sexual Beast nature and finally to the tempered, superior Apha Warrior Man, a Divine Masculine perfected.

As you can see, the alpha male can be motivated by striving to achieve a goal.

If his goal is to please his woman, he can devote his life to doing this without sacrificing traditionally alpha male qualities. Qualities such as assertiveness, confidence, and potentially even the drive to achieve financial success.

How Do You Start a Female Led Relationship?

Be Ok With A Beta Man

Many of the confident and successful women that I coach have worked their way up to success and want a confident and successful man as a partner.

If you want to be the leader in the relationship, you will likely not get that confident and successful man. The typical alpha man will struggle with this relationship. I mentioned above that an alpha male might be ok with this, but I would say this is a severe exception to the rule.

You’ll have to be ok with him being beta which comes with downsides such as:

  • More sensitive and easily hurt
  • Lazy or “too laid back” attitude
  • Needs your support and guidance for most things
  • Shy to talk about their true feelings

If those things don’t bother you, then you’ll do very well in an FLR and can begin attracting the right type of man for this which I will discuss below.

PS. If you feel like you are a confident and successful woman who does want a confident and successful man, this will require a completely different approach. Learn more with my free checklist: How To Attract Higher-Quality Men.

Show Your Dominance in Your Dating Profile

The best way to save you time in dating is to make sure that your profile is perfectly crafted to attract the person that is going to suit your lifestyle. The way that you do this if you want to be in a female led relationship is to highlight your dominant qualities. This means specifically mentioning things like:

  • “I am a planner and like to make decisions to reach my goals”
  • Specific details about the financial success you have achieved
  • “If you are an easy-going man that isn’t afraid to support a woman in achieving her dreams, send me a message. Bonus points if you’re shy.”

Remember that you don’t ever want to come across as negative or complaining. But simply outlining the type of relationship that you’re looking for will help you attract men that are interested in this. This will save you a lot of time.

PS. If you need help with any of this, be sure to check out my coaching packages.

Learn more here: How To Write a Good Online Dating Profile

Take Charge In The Bedroom

Showing dominance in the bedroom is not a requirement for an FLR but it can really seal the deal if both of you are interested in this. If you play a very dominant role while the two of you are in the bedroom, the dynamic will definitely carry over to all aspects of the relationship.

How Do FLR Relationships Work In Dating?

As a dating coach, most of my clients are looking for a strong alpha male so I help my clients channel their feminine qualities so that they can be more attractive to this kind of man.

If you are looking for an FLR, then you’ll want to do the opposite. You’ll want to channel your masculine energy. Here is a list of traditionally masculine qualities that you’ll want to bring to the forefront:

  • Makes decisions quickly
  • Takes action
  • Confident and assertive
  • Strives to get their way
  • Outgoing and vocal
  • The need to be the provider

If you can channel these aspects of your personality then you will attract the kind of man that is happy to be in this kind of relationship.

Lana Otoya

52 thoughts on “Female Led Relationship – How It Works and How To Get One”

  1. I am a submissive at heart and have always known that – currently I am single adding but really want to stop reading and start finding a real FLR relationship – I know it will be hard but I also know it’s who I am deep down

  2. My wife approached me at a restaurant as I was dining alone. She sat down, introduced herself and said I want to get to know you. I was shocked and amazed and said thats wonderful. She was very attractive in a manly sort of way. Like a tomboy. We have been married for 13 years and I am her wife. She controls everything including my sex life which is very difficult. When I do something she does not like I have to stip, bend over and be whipped. Sometimes she ties me up naked and whips me. I worship this woman and will do anything she wants. I accept that sdhe needs real men for sex.
    I hope she mnever throws me out! She has threatened to do that several times and I would be homeless. So I obey her every demand no matter how I would not want to do it. Like sucking her lovers cock.

  3. My wife & I began having problems early on. She was not happy with my help or the way I handled the finances. She began withgholding sex to get my attention.Soon I gave her control oif our finances and agreed to do more housework. She switched cars so she would have the newer one. I kept agreeing and doijg what she said in oer=rder to ger some sex
    She started edging me and telling me I was terrible in bed. Thenb she found a lover and told me I could leave if I wanted but I said please let me stay. As you can see, I am now in a total FLR. I obey, get zero sex and do all, the housework.
    I happen to be very happy with this life.

  4. Hi. I am a divorced male and traditional relationships are not working. Do you have any advice or coaching sessions for beta men looking for this type of relationship?

  5. Our 35 Year Anniversary is coming up very shortly and there is nothing that would please me more if my wife would assume control of our marriage. I usually associate a dominant wife as one who has great legs, and even at 69 years of age she does. But the problem is she has no desire at all to become the lead. I have mentioned it to her many times but she’s not interested. Even in the bedroom, where I am no longer performing well myself, she seems more interested in my well doing. But that’s not happening. There are some aspects of the marriage that she wants to do but she wants me to be the lead even as far as ME doing the grocery shopping! Any suggestions? I’m 75 and time is running out.

  6. What if a person isnt raised to socialize, has nowhere to go when he might have started a life of his own, dropped the socialization process as useless, and became an outsider? I experience fairly high levels of vulnerability, and I feel a lot safer under a woman’s wing. What do I do??

    1. I am seeking an FLR with a mature woman. I’m 57 yrs, and you need to reside in England. Same area, South Coast, is great but not necessarily a deal breaker. I have a high desire to women of a certain physical build.

  7. Thank you for putting it all in such a positive light.

    I have been enjoying a casual FLR relationship with my wife for years and it’s wonderful.

  8. I came into an FLR with a significant retirement account. We agreed that I would maintain decision-making over those assets and that my plan was to continue to let them grow for retirement. However, our current income is totally under her control. When I decide to reduce my work hours and partially retire then I will start withdrawing retirement income–and she will control it.

  9. Thanks for introducing this wonderful, natural and heavenly model of a romantic/sexual relationship. However, I think this is a very superficial understanding of FLR. By separating men as beta/alpha and saying that this is more of a beta men’s game, implies that you look down upon this kind of men or at least consider them less than whatever you think alpha is. Being a considerate, sensitive and loving men who truly respect and value women is not something to look down upon. Open heartedness and vulnerability are signs of true strength. And understanding the natural order (female’s being the queen) is a sign of high intuitive intelligence. Go push those “alpha men” a little about their emotions and they will burst with anger like a snowflake. Mistaking violence as strength is the reason why women suffer in this world.

  10. What if you’re not really a beta or an alpha male. Honestly I’m kinda in between the two but still looking for a female led relationship.

  11. Robert Shmigelsky

    I can’t say I’m confident or successful, but I was a care aide. The long hours were not nice. I would rather support a woman in a FLR. I think it’s more natural for a man to play a support role to a woman in this modern age anyway.

  12. I am an alpha male who could thrive in a FLR. I am secure, introspective, professionally successful – I make decisions easily but can also turn that over to someone else. I think it would be exciting to be in a relationship that was 60-40 or even 70-30 female-led and would have no esteem issues about that. In the bedroom I crave an FLR as I have been in charge most of my life and want to give that up. This is a great article and I got on here because I answered an ad for an FLR and am waiting for us to meet and begin the adventure.

  13. Thank you for this lovely and well thought out article. 23+ yrs of marriage, me “wearing a mask” didn’t work. She wouldn’t take control & my submissivness became an unquenchable craving. I own it. A very strong Woman runs our life. I’m thrilled, she is as well and little to no conflict – as you aptly said, we agreed up front she makes the decisions & the rules. We’re both thriving. I am very grateful for her and how she loves me. Submission in my case is bliss.

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