Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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He’s great on paper. He’s got a good job, he treats you well, but he just doesn’t get your butterflies to flutter. He doesn’t give you a tingling sensation of intense attraction, so what do you do?
I’m not physically attracted to my boyfriend – Now What?
When analyzing a relationship, there are many key factors that should be looked at before deciding what to do.
As a dating coach for women, I usually try to come up with one size fits all answers to questions like this so that you can decide easily.
Unfortunately, this is not one of those questions.
This is much more nuanced, and you know what?
It’s going to be up to you in the end.
But, here are some things you’ll need to figure out what to do next.
What Do you Mean by “Not Attracted?”
Do you mean that you don’t find him physically appealing at all? You should dump him.
Or is he not great in the bedroom? You should try talking about your needs and making sure he’s meeting them, communication is the key to great sex. Talk through things first and he’ll get the hang of it.
Do you mean that the “honeymoon phase” butterflies are wearing off? Because that’s totally normal and will happen to any relationship. What should be replacing those butterflies is a feeling of comfort and deeper love. Much like we have with our oldest best friends.
Was there no attraction to begin with and you’re just trying to force something that isn’t right because you want to have kids or get married? This is a recipe for disaster.
Once you have a better idea of what you really mean when you say I”m not attracted to my boyfriend, you can better analyze the issue.
If you want to know whether or not he is in love with you, check out my post here.
Now, onto the next step!
How Long Have You Been Dating?
If you’ve only been dating for a few months and you’re already doubting the relationship, this is a bad sign.
Sure, even the most perfect boyfriend is going to have flaws or things that bother you, but you shouldn’t get to the point of saying you’re not attracted to him. That’s pretty extreme.
If it’s early in the relationship (less than a year) and you’re already saying this, it might be time to move on.
This is someone you’re supposed to be head over heels for in the beginning.
You’re a successful, strong, independent woman, right?
You want a high-quality man and you’re on the verge of settling for less.
Don’t do it!
But I Want To Have Children…
All the more reason to stop wasting your time with this guy you don’t even like.
Get back out there on the dating scene and find someone better.
As a dating coach for women, I often get clients who tell me that finding their soul mate is about luck.
It’s not about luck, it’s about making time for it and sticking to it date after date.
If you settle for a man you’re not attracted to, it might have ended the woes of dating life, but it’s the beginning of the woes of unhealthy relationship life.
Which one do you think is worse?
We’ve Been Dating For More than A Year…
If you’ve been dating each other for more than a year, you have to start thinking about whether or not he makes you happy.
If you’re always doubting him and thinking that you could do better, you’re destroying your relationship from the inside out.
You either have to be 100% in or 100% out.
Saying “I’m not attracted to him” means you have one foot out the door, and this attitude alone will destroy your relationship.
You’re not fully committing to him and you’re looking for someone to convince you or tell you what to do when deep down, you already know what you want to do.
According to marriage researcher John Gottman, couples who stay married are not the ones with the most common interests or even the highest compatibility.
They are the ones who have a commitment to the relationship.
See this quote from Gottman’s website:
If you truly are looking for love and want to find that person that you can spend the rest of your life with, remember that it is YOU who creates compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for making a fruitful relationship with another human being.
Living your life with another person is never going to feel perfect.
But he should feel perfect for you.
If you can honestly look at your boyfriend after all the nice things he’s done for you and still say “nope, still not attracted”, you should probably end it.
Think About Your “Normal”
I just said that a commitment can make or break a relationship, but how do you know when you should commit 100% or break it off?
You have to look at your “normal”.
Your “normal” is the state of emotion you feel on a normal, average day in your relationship.
If you come home every day and feel like you have a best friend to talk to, someone who supports you and you genuinely enjoy spending time with him, you’ve got a pretty good relationship on your hands!
You saying that you’re not attracted to him may just be a case of thinking that the “grass is greener” somewhere else.
Remember, the grass is greener where you water it.
If your “normal” is filled with other issues, like constant bickering, a feeling of anxiety or frustration and you find yourself not being attracted to him due to his behavior towards you, this is a red flag!
Run, run away quickly!
A relationship that has gone down this path is difficult to solve and as a dating coach, it’s better to start fresh with someone else.
You Shouldn’t Doubt A Good Relationship
Relationships that last for many years will go through ups and downs, that’s normal.
It’s just a matter of how long the “down” part lasts. Has it lasted for a year or so after you just had a baby? That’s normal.
Has it lasted for more than a year and started after you were dating for 2 months? That’s a bad sign.
If you’re really doubting someone, it means that you have lost the commitment and connection that you absolutely must have in order to keep a relationship healthy year after year.
Fights and arguments once in a blue moon are normal.
Wanting to constantly leave the relationship is not normal.
Losing something as important as an attraction to your partner is not normal.
As you know, sexual attraction rarely grows over time. With men, this almost never happens. With women, it tends to be correlated to her feelings about her partner. However, this is presuming a steady baseline of attraction from which to grow. If there is NO attraction to start, there’s not even any room to go down. That’s a rough proposition for you to endure with a boyfriend. Thus, it’s impossible to convince you to give a shot to someone you’re purely NOT attracted to. No rational thinking is going to overcome your genetic and cultural biases.
Don’t Try To Change Them
When you’ve been seeing someone who seems perfect on paper but doesn’t really “do it” for you, the natural instinct is to do one of two things:
- Try to change them by actively telling them to change
- Hope they’ll change if you just hint at them enough
Although Elite Daily is not my favourite source for dating advice, they did make a good point here:
If they change on their own free will because they want you to find them attractive, that’s one thing. It’s another thing entirely to want to change someone to fit your own needs.
Your lack of attraction to your partner has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your perspective.
Either you have to appreciate them for what they are and what they do give you.
Or you have to move on to someone who naturally tickles your fancy a little better.
This isn’t their fault and you shouldn’t be blaming them or expecting them to fix the problem.
Are You Holding On Just For The Sake Of It?
I know that relationships can feel like we’re supposed to make them work no matter what.
But the truth is, happiness does not come from forcing something that is not working out.
Nicole, dating expert at Nicoletalkslove reminds us that we’re staying in something that’s not working for the following three reasons:
We’ve already invested so much.
We want it to work SO BAD.
We don’t believe we deserve better.
If you think one of those reasons is why you’re still in this, remember that happiness comes from yourself, not from someone else.
You Deserve High Quality
If you’re in a relationship with someone that is not a good fit, don’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole.
I tell this story of a man I dated before I met my current long-term partner.
He was awesome.
He had a nice apartment in the swanky part of town.
His job was high paying and he had flexible hours.
And, he was attractive and funny.
Things were going great, until, we kissed.
It was awful.
Everything about that kiss felt wrong and awkward and my attraction for him dwindled almost instantly.
At this moment, I seriously contemplated just sucking it up and continuing a relationship with someone who was great on paper, but I was not attracted to him
So, I dumped him after five dates.
I did not want to settle.
I was waiting for the right one.
A month later, I met my current long-term partner. Someone who is attractive, has a good job, is kind, wants a family just like I do, and everything about him just feels right.
You can easily find someone like this if you don’t waste your time on men that you don’t like.
Don’t convince yourself to stay in a relationship that doesn’t feel right.
A better one is waiting for you.
You are a high-quality woman and you deserve a high quality man.
You can check out my blog post on what makes a good husband here.
A Word Of Warning
In a relationship, the attraction isn’t everything. You can be most attracted to a man who is not good for you and is showing signs of being a bad long-term partner. If want to avoid this kind of man, be sure to download my FREE dating red flags checklist. Click here to download.
Thanks for checking out my post: I’m Not Attracted To My Boyfriend. I hope that this information has helped you come to a conclusion that is true to your heart.
With love from your favourite dating coach,