Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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Is he the one? You find yourself asking this question a little more than usual lately. The two of you get along great, most of the time…You love everything about him, except those few things…
Is this normal?
How many flaws are you supposed to just tolerate? When are there too many flaws to make this a good fit long-term?
There are a lot of things to ponder here. Overthinking can be your best friend or your worst enemy. To make this process a little easier, check out these 10 ways to answer “is he the one?”, once and for all.
Is he the one? 8 ways to know for sure
#1 – His Flaws Are Set In Stone
Take a mental list of his flaws, put them in a big bucket and pour concrete over them. Those flaws aren’t going anywhere.
In fact, they might just get worse over time.
You have to take a look at his flaws and understand that they are not going to change so you’ll have to tolerate them. My favourite example of this is the video games example. My boyfriend will play video games for the whole day. He will wake up in the morning, start playing and then continue to play them until we head to bed.
Sure he’ll take breaks once in a while, but he can do this all day no sweat. Now a lot of women I know might get annoyed by this. They might start to nag him and ask him why he needs to do this for the whole day. But.
I don’t do that.
I never do that because it actually doesn’t bother me one bit. Now this is a flaw of his that might not sit well with other women, but it’s perfectly fine with me.
Take a look at your boyfriend’s flaws and ask yourself if you can put up with them forever. People don’t really change and if they do, it’s a bonus not a requriement. True love is accepting someone’s entire being, including their flaws.
#2 – Make Sure Those Flaws Are Important
When you start analyzing those flaws and thinking if you can tolerate them or not, try to think about how important they really are in the long-term. My post Five Dating Standards that Actually Matter explained that there are certain things that just aren’t important.
This includes superficial things like height and looks but also things that seem important but just don’t come up a lot in real life. One example of this is common interests.
Let’s say one of his flaws is that he doesn’t exercise that much. Does this matter to you in the long-term? Are you looking for an exercise buddy or for a long-term partner?
If he is supportive, communcative, understanding, wants the same things you want, listens to you etc. You’ve got a really great catch! The amount of time he spends exercising is his life choice, it doesn’t really effect you or your life. Same goes for a lot of things that might seem important but really aren’t. Things like:
-Taste in music or movies
-Dietary preferences (vegan, vegetarian etc.)
Being together forever is a lot of live and let live. If you’re a hard core vegan and he likes to eat meat, it shouldn’t be the end of the world. I’ll leave this up to you though because if you can’t tolerate something like that, maybe it’s best to find someone else. I”m just saying there are certain things that matter in life and certain things that don’t – the thing is the list of things that matter will be different for everyone.
Refer back to #1 if you’re struggling with determining if something matters.
#3 – Keep Note Of Your Feeling Patterns
As you guys know, the Millennialships concept is a pattern that is seen in people who are happy. The ability to pin point when you feel a certain way is an excellent way to determine the source or cause of certain feelings. Your boyfriend should be the cause of healthy and happy feelings 99% of the time.
Keep a mental note of how you feel when you’re around your boyfriend. Do you feel negative emotions? Like:
Or do you feel positive emotions? Like:
Take a mental note of the conversations you have when you’re with your boyfriend. These are healthy conversations:
- practical (ie. what do you want for dinner?)
These are unhealthy conversations:
- One sided conversations
Now every couple will dip into the negative side of things once and a while but this should be on the very rare occasion. It should be healthy and happy 99% of the time. Pay attention to how you feel with your partner most of the time and that will be a great indicator of what the rest of your life is going to look like.
Pssst…You might interested in my FREE 10 Day Self Care Challenge. Click here to learn more.
#4 – Homeostasis
Homeostasis is a biology term.
It means the state of equilibrium between interdependent elements. Interdependent elements just means things that work together.
Take your body for example, all the organs in your body are working together. When your body is in homeostasis, it means that everything is healthy and working properly.
When your body goes out of homeostasis, like when you have a cold, your body is desperately trying to get back to its “normal” or its “homeostasis.”
Take a look at the homeostasis, or the normal of your relationship. This is the state that it’s in most of the time. Analyze your normal.
When I was in an unhealthy relationship, my normal was extremely damaging. My normal was to come home to someone who wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t eat dinner with me and then we would go to bed at separate times.
The problem with this homeostasis or “my normal” was that it was famliar. It being familar made it comfortable.
Our bodies love things that are familiar. When I was a kid, my mom would make us Cheese Whiz and jam sandwiches as a treat. I know what you’re thinking – ew how disgusting, and you’re probably right. The thing is, even to this day that sandwich sounds like a delicious treat to me. It might be gross to you but because it’s familiar to me and reminds me of my childhood, it tastes good.
Comfort and familiarity feels safe, even when it’s damaging. This is why people stay in relationships that are not good for them. It’s because change is scary and familiarity is safe.
Take a good look at your relationship and determine if your homeostasis is healthy.
#5 – The Influence On Your Kids
When asking yourself “is he the one?” you should consider your future children. If you plan on having children, this person is going to be their dad. They will look up to their dad and copy him in many ways.
Ask yourself, if my son turned out exactly like his father, would I be ok with that? If the answer to this is no, that’s a serious issue.
When I was dating someone who wasn’t a good fit for me, I would ask myself this question and would dread the thought of my future son becoming exactly like my boyfriend. This was a huge red flag that my relationship wasn’t working out but I failed to notice it at the time.
I know this is a Debbie Downer thought but there’s also the possibilty that you might not be around one day and your boyfriend would be in charge of taking care of the kids all by himself. Can you trust him with this? Does that thought scare the living daylights out of you? If your boyfriend is the one, these thoughts shouldn’t scare you.
It should actually be comforting to know that your kids would be in good hands if you were ever not around to take care of them.
#6 – Life Goals
This one is essential. The two of you have to be heading in the same life direction. If he talks about making partner at the law firm and you’re planning on moving out to the suburbs, these ideals are bound to clash.
The two of you should have the same idea of what a perfect life looks like. Here’s what should be considered when you’re looking at aligning life goals:
- Location of where to live
- Certain type of house you want (ie. apartment, townhouse, farm)
- Number of kids
Those are the big ones that are absolute non-negotiables.
#7 – Fighting Fair
This is one of the things on the list that can be worked on. The two of you can defintely learn how to fight in a healthy way but in a perfect world, you learn how to do this before you get married.
Fighting in a healthy way doesn’t always come naturally. Our tendancy is to give into our feelings and act on our instincts. This is why acting like a bitch or fighting dirty can feel really good, until it comes back to bite you in the ass.
Here’s something that shouldn’t be overlooked though.
Fighting fair is easier when the other person fights fair.
If your partner pulls out all the dirty cards:
- Name calling
- Passive Agression
It’s a lot harder to learn to fight fair when both of you have major issues to work on. Here’s what a healthy fight looks like:
- Conversation moves forward to a resolution, you don’t get stuck going in circles
- Both partners have their chance to speak and be heard
- No name calling, insults or loud voices
- Both partners are honest and open ie. saying something like: I don’t feel like talking about this anymore but I promise we can pick this up again in an hour when I’ve calmed down. This is done instead of ignoring or door slamming.
If you don’t fight fair with your partner, make it a priority to learn this skill before you tie the know. Here are some articles you might find helpful:
- A Complete Guide to Solving all Your Relationship Problems
- Signs You’re In A Healthy Relationship
- Healthy Communication in Marriage: Some Helpful Tips
- Conflict Resolution in Relationships: Use the Silent Treatment
#8 – The Money Arrangement
Do you know one of the reasons why arranged marriages actually show an increase in happiness over the years? It’s because they are often paired with someone who is in a similar financial situation. This takes the money pressure off and they are less likely to fight about something that comes up so often.
Everyone knows the money is one of the most common reasons people get divorced but why?
Money is part of our every day lives whether we like it or not. If you go for brunch, who’s picking up the tab? If you need some more toilet paper, who’s got that this time? Who did it last time?
Every single day we are faced with who’s going to pay for what and if the arrangement isn’t figured out properly, it can be a one way ticket to resentment. What if one person loses their job? What if you want to stay home after you have kids but your boyfriend fully expects you to get back to work after maternity leave is over?
These are conversations that should be had before get married. Once you have this one figured out, a lot of things are going to be smooth sailing.
I hope you guys enjoyed my article and that it will help you answer the “is he the one?” question once and for all. Until next time friends!
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