Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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So, your biological clock is ticking and you haven’t found the “one” yet. Are you doomed?
If your biological clock is ticking and you’re getting worried about it, let’s focus on something that is slightly more important first.
As a dating coach, it is my life’s work to make sure that people move from the “single” category to the “taken” category, but there’s one thing I do differently than other dating coaches.
I really want you to stay single.
My Biological Clock Is Ticking and I’m Still Single! Now What?
Finding happiness on your own, while you are single is the first step to being a loving partner and parent. You need to find a way to make yourself happy.
If you are miserable and lonely and want to skip the single part and head to the married part, you’re going to skip the step that is essential for being in a healthy relationship.
When you’re single, you have power.
You have the power to control your life more than if you were in a relationship. Relationships can seriously pull you down and I’m not even talking about bad relationships.
When you are in a relationship with someone else, you need the permission of two people before you can take a step in any direction.
When you’re single, you’re the boss. No one has control over your decisions.
It is in this stage of your life (the single stage) that you must find out how to make yourself happy.
If you’re struggling with finding happiness on your own, something is wrong.
You’re neglecting your self care.
Having kids won’t make you happy if you’re miserable on your own.
Same goes for being married.
If you think that you are going to find a “pot of happiness” once you settle down, get married and have kids, you are going to be slapped in the face with reality – and it’s going to hurt.
Chasing happiness is the exact opposite of what it is.
Happiness doesn’t just happen to you when you have a white picket fence and a Tesla in the garage.
Happiness is a mindset that you carry with you throughout your life.
If you need help with this stage, you may want to check out these posts:
Stop Comparing Yourself To Others
It’s possible to be happy with yourself and still have low self esteem.
You could love your job, love your friends and your lifestyle, but still feel the pressure to settle down because of your friends, family, society in general or social media.
When you compare yourself to others, you give away your life to them.
You need to live your life for YOU, not for other people.
“But what if I am happy and I just want to have kids?”
If you’re truly happy on your own but you still want to have kids, you could freeze your eggs.
Don’t laugh! It’s a realistic option for many people and a surefire solution if your biological clock is ticking.
Freezing your eggs can cost around $10K and if it’s really that important to you to have biological children, it could be worth it.
The other option is to get a sperm donor and have a biological child on your own.
If you really want to be a mother to your own biological child, and the clock is really ticking, this will solve your problem.
If you’re not happy with those solutions then there’s only one option left…
You’re going to need to find a boyfriend
Now if you rush into this, you will make one of the biggest mistakes in your life.
DO NOT settle for someone just to have kids with them.
Instead, you want to get more efficient at dating.
This way you can have a better chance at finding a man that you actually love and get along with.
Someone you want to have kids with because you enjoy his company and think he will be a good father.
So how can you get this guy?
Start Online Dating (the right way)
If you really feel like your biological clock is ticking, there’s no time to waste when it comes to dating.
If you’re on this article, chances are you have probably done your fair share of swiping and messaging guys on Match.com.
You’ve probably been down this path already and it wasn’t successful.
You spent hours swiping and messaging but barely any of the men meet your basic criteria.
And the ones who do don’t respond to your messages, aren’t serious, or just want a texting pal so they never ask you out.
All of this mindless dating is causing you to feel emotionally drained.
There’s an easier way to meet men online
You just have to know how to work the system.
First, you need to be on the right platforms.
If you are in your mid twenties to mid thirties and live in city where the population is over 500,000 – you need to be on Hinge.
If you are in the same age group and live in a less populated city, you need to be on Bumble.
To supplement this, I recommend signing up for Match.com (no affiliate) because it’s the most popular online dating site.
Since it is a paid site, the men on there are more serious and they want to settle down.
Now that’ you’re on the right platforms, you need to learn how to use them correctly.
You don’t need to write custom messages to every single guy that peeks your interest.
So many women either use the “hey, hows it going” message or they try to structure a very thoughtful and detailed message based on things they read in the man’s profile.
Stop doing this.
The “Hey, how’s it going” message tells them you’re boring.
The super tailored message takes up way too much of your time and is not more effective than a witty/simple first message that you can send to pretty much anyone.
Something like, “hey, you look like a pineapple on pizza kind of guy. We’ll either click or be mortal enemies what’s it going to be?…”
Something like that is lighthearted, shows that you’re clever and fun and entices the person to respond back.
This is the kind of stuff that is going to save your emotional energy and keep you in the dating game longer so you can actually find someone.
Fix up your profile
You might have the most clever and funny opening line, but if you’re profile is a mess, you will not attract the kind of guy you are looking for.
There thousands of women on these dating sites and apps that are just as attractive as you and have the same qualifications.
How are you going to make yourself stand out from them?
You need better photos, and a better online dating profile.
If you need help with this, check out my post: How To Write A Good Online Dating Profile .
Schedule Your Online Dating Time
The reason Bumble or Tinder can suck the life out of you is because they are so addictive.
You’re swiping away and then you feel like stopping.
You feel like that’s enough and you want to put your phone down.
So you tell yourself “just one more”.
And you proceed to do “one more” swipe for the next hour.
Hinge is a lifesaver here because they have a limit on how much you can swipe.
If you’re on Bumble or Tinder, or messaging on Match, you need to value your time.
Set aside a certain amount of time for online dating. Tell yourself you will do this for 1 hour every night after dinner.
Once that hour is up, you stop.
This is how you stick to the dating thing night after night without getting tired. If you start to get tired of this, just reduce it down to one hour a day for three days a week.
There’s nothing wrong with reducing the time you spend on it. There is everything wrong with giving up.
This is how you stay dating because when you give up, you leave things to chance.
After all, you want to find a man and have kids with him right?
Don’t Give Up
Whatever you do, you cannot leave this up to chance or luck.
When I was single and trying to find a partner, I made dating a priority as if I were looking for a job but at the same time, I was happy being single.
It’s kind of a weird catch-22, but you need both of those things happening in order for this to work.
The first step is being truly happy being single. The second is realizing your biological clock is ticking so you don’t want to leave things up to chance.
It’s taking full control of your life and happiness from both sides.
So in a nutshell, this means that even if your biological clock is ticking and you feel all this pressure…
you have to be ok with being single…
…and also try really hard to find a boyfriend.
If you can wrap your head around doing those two contradicting things at the same time, you will be more effective at dating.
But being effective at dating means that you have to actually do it. Not just wait around for prince charming to come along.