No Contact Rule: 13 Reasons Why It Works

the no contact rule and why it works
Lana Otoya

When I broke up with my previous boyfriends, it was the actual definition of agony.

In fact, scientific researchers have discovered that being rejected by someone triggers the same area of the brain as physical pain.

So, if you’ve been dumped, you’re going through hell.

It Really Is Like A Death.

Going through a breakup is like experiencing the death of a loved one.

It’s like one minute you were best friends, holding each other, making out and now because of one conversation, they’re out of your life forever.

Donezo, not allowed to talk to them ever again.

It’s batshit crazy, but you know what?

Never talking to them again is actually the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

I know it seems backwards and your whole being just wants to do the opposite.

But here are 13 reasons why the no-contact rule actually works and why you should be doing it. Now.

What is the No Contact Rule?

Before we get into the reasons, let’s go over the basics.

The no contact rule is when you break up with someone (or you’ve been dumped), and decide to cut them off completely.

This means:

  • No texting or talking to them
  • No meeting up at all
  • No following them on social media of any kind
  • You actively tell them that you need space and aren’t ready to talk to them at this time

I know it sounds difficult if you are not over the person, but this will help. Trust me.

So let’s get into those reasons…

13. It’s Your Best Chance Of Getting Him Back

Haha I know this is a bit backward! But as a dating coach for women, I have found that men who are higher-quality, are happy to chase you if they are interested.

If you actually want him back and don’t want to get over him, then…

Say you need space.

That you want to focus on yourself.

And even ignore him.

These are excellent ways to make him miss you.

This will make a high-quality man with a lot of masculine energy, want you more.

But here’s the very important key: You can’t be doing this as a manipulative tactic!

You have to genuinely want to take this time for yourself. To take time away from him and process everything.

Once you’ve had a month or two to think about things, you will know if you really want him back.

If you do, and he feels the same way, he’s going to be dying to impress you! Because he knows that you focus on yourself first and that you’re not just going to blindly follow him.

This kind of attitude makes you a high-value woman. If you want to learn more about that, check out my guide on How to Attract Higher-Quality Men here.

12. It’s The Fastest Way To Move On

no contact rule

Alright, now if you don’t want to get him back and you’re ready to move on, this is the fastest way to do it.

Here are some reasons you should want to move on from an ex, even if you still love him.

  1. He was manipulative or emotionally abusive in anyway
  2. He lied to you multiple times
  3. He cheated on you
  4. He doesn’t want the same things you want in life
  5. He wasn’t ready to take the next step after a reasonable about of time (ie. marriage, exclusivity, moving in together etc.)
  6. He makes you feel bad about yourself
  7. He makes you feel anxious or scared
  8. And other signs of an unhealthy relationship or emotional abuse.
  9. You have a gut feeling that things just aren’t working out.

Don’t ignore that last one! If you think something “feels off” that is a very important feeling to pay attention to.

As a dating coach that focuses on feminine energy, I teach my clients that your intuition or your “gut instinct” is something that has evolved inside you to keep you safe.

You can learn more about feminine energy in dating here.

So, why Is the No Contact Rule the fastest way to move on?

To put it simply, “Out of sight, out of mind” really does work.

See, we all have a deep love for our ex, even if we know we’re not meant to be together.

Your ex is a person that you fell in love with. Youshared very happy moments with him. When you fell in love, he was a different person.

You so badly want that “different person” or “the old version of them” to come back. You want to be with that version of them that you used to know.

When you use the no contact rule, you give your brain the space it needs to forget about the old version of your ex.

If you’re contantly texting, talking to each other, flirting or worst of all having sex, then you don’t let your brain forget that the old version of this person is not who he really is.

The No Contact Rule allows you to heal so that you can move on and either make yourself happy, or find someone better.

I went through a devastating breakup with a man who cheated on me, and I continued to sleep with him and hang out with him afterward for almost a year.

Throughout that entire time, I was depressed, anxious, and miserable. It wasn’t until I cut him off Cold Turkey that my brain and body was able to heal.

Allow yourself the courtesy of giving your brain the rest it needs from this person, who is very likely toxic.

Related: How To Let Go Of Someone You Love

11. Allows You To Be Uncomfortably Confident

When you start using the no contact rule, you open up your world. 

You allow yourself to feel uncomfortable in your own skin.

Yes, I said uncomfortable.

It’s not always easy adapting to the single life after you’ve been with someone for a while. 

Sometimes it takes a little adjustment, but that’s perfectly ok. 

You don’t have to love the single life right away. You can feel miserable, angry, upset, and sad. 

But going through these emotions alone is what makes you stronger.

You can go through hell and come out the other side more confident, happy, and self-assured.

When you reach out to your ex for that connection that you so desperately crave, you may feel satisfied in the moment, but you’re leaning on a crutch and it’s not mentally healthy.

You’re saying that you can’t be happy on your own, which is the BIGGEST lie you could ever tell yourself.

When you decide you can’t make yourself happy and need others to do it for you, you have single-handedly shot your mental health in the foot and it will never run the same way again. 

You will never recover unless you believe that you can make yourself happy without a man.

You don’t just want companionship with a man, you want a healthy companion that makes your life better.

You can be that first healthy companion. When you rely on yourself to make you happy, confident, and proud, you will feel an immense joy that nobody can take away from you.

Related: How To Stop Ruminating And Overthinking

10. Helps You See Things Clearly

A study published in Time discovered that one of the best ways to get over your ex is to remember all the bad things about them. So, start doing that.

There’s a reason why things didn’t work out.

He wasn’t perfect.

He had flaws.

Did things that annoyed you or made you mad.

When you remind yourself of these things, you get the perspective you need to lower your attraction to him and start moving on. 

But you should be warned.

The study in Time magazine pointed out that remembering all the bad things your ex did will make you feel worse – but that feeling is only temporary.

Writing a list of as many negative things about your ex as you can think of once a day until you feel better may be effective, she says. Though this exercise tends to make people feel worse, Langeslag says that this effect goes away. 

Time

You will feel more sad and depressed remembering his flaws, but then you will quickly bounce back and realize that this decision is the best.

And you can only go through this journey of recovery while you’re not talking to him.

A single text to him can stop your recovery and put you right back at the beginning.

So listen to the no contact rule!

Related: A Step By Step Guide to Getting Over A Breakup Quickly

9. Allows Room For Acceptance

no contact rule

Now that you can see that the road to recovery will have it’s ups and downs, the best part is just around the corner.

Once you’ve allowed yourself to have those crying fits, moments of unhappiness and nights of eating junk food, you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And that light is acceptance.

When you realize that you can’t talk to your ex anymore, your brain naturally starts to fill itself with other thoughts. You finally begin to accept what was happened and you begin to move on.

This is the part of the healing process that starts to feel fun.

You can now see more clearly into your happier, better future.

Related: How To Re-Invent Yourself – The Power Of Visualization

8. Gives You Hope

This is similar to the last one, but I wanted to make it a new point to highlight something very important.

When you are still in contact with your ex, your brain is stuck in the past.

When you see him or talk to him, you remember how nice he is. His cute smile. His funny jokes.

You see all of the things that made you fall in love with him.

But when you cut him off like a bad habit, you can replace his cute dimples with something a million times better.

Hope.

Hope for a new path in life that is going to be better.

Instead of living in the past, you can now start planning the future. The new you.

You can pick up new hobbies, travel somewhere, update your wardrobe, change careers or go back to school. Now is the time to do things you always wanted to do.

This can only be done when you block dimples off your phone and unfollow him on all social media.

Yes, ALL SOCIAL MEDIA!

Related: Why Instagram Is Making You Depressed

7. Takes Away Your Pain

Ok so this one is going to seem a little weird but… the no contact rule is like when you have some bad Sushi.

If you have eaten some sushi that has gone bad, this is poison for your body.

Your body doesn’t care that you were attracted to the sushi, that you thought it would be the best sushi ever or that the sushi had a nice smile.

Your body just knows one thing – this sushi in your stomach has got to go.

So what does your body do? It starts hurting you.

Yes, in trying to save you it will first punish you with bad cramps and a serious stomach ache.

Your body is going through pain, but it’s really trying to purge itself so that it doesn’t die of poison.

The bad stomach cramps are the same as the no contact rule.

When you first start the no contact rule, it’s going to hurt and possibly feel extreme. You’re going to feel that you don’t need to be doing something so drastic.

But eventually, after you’re done purging the memories and infatuation of your ex, you can release all the badness, and move on. Poison free.

Related: How To Get Over A Breakup Quickly

6. Prevents Jealousy

The worst part about trying to get over an ex is when you see him doing better than you.

Maybe he got a new job. Maybe he’s having fun hanging out with a group of friends that you used to hang out with.

Either way, you don’t want to hear or see this stuff, and that’s where the no contact rule comes in.

When you’re not talking to your ex and you have removed him from all social media – you don’t have to see his constant life updates!

Years ago, after I had been broken up with my ex for months, I saw that he had some significant life upgrades.

He was now earning double his salary, had a totally shredded body, and was hanging out with a really nice and friendly group of new friends.

They were all hugging and laughing and I’m here trying to go through the stomach cramp purge (see point # 7).

Let me tell you, this man that I had absolutely no interest in or love for anymore was suddenly tempting. I found myself thinking “maybe he wasn’t so bad.”

All it took were some Instagram photos and I was starting to think about taking my boring, emotionally manipulative, good-for-nothing loser of an ex back!

Everything looks better on social media.

Don’t let the facade of a “happy” or “cooler” life stop you from remembering the truth about this guy.

Related: Why Instagram Is Making You Depressed

5. Gives You Time To Distract Yourself

Yes, when you’re not texting or Netflix and Chilling with your ex, you have more time to do other things that you love!

And if you don’t have many hobbies, now is the perfect time to try new things and have some new experiences.

But, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t feel like joining a pilates class or going bungee jumping.

Even reading a new book or starting a journal can be therapeutic and healing activities.

If you need more inspiration, check out a list of 10 Self-Care Activities that will take your mind off the world.

4. It Tortures Them Too

When you start practicing the no contact rule, it can feel like torture.

You so badly want to reach out and talk to them, but guess what? They’re likely feeling the same way.

You might be thinking, ok, but then why should we both suffer? Why shouldn’t I just call him and get back to talking?

Because you want him to miss you silly!

You want to embrace your feminine energy and understand that it’s ok to take a step back and let things be.

Feminine energy reminds us of the following:

  1. It’s ok to let go of control and enjoy the ride
  2. There’s always enough time for things to work out, you don’t need to rush
  3. You can use your inner strength to be happy

While you spend time working on yourself and making yourself stronger, he’ll be missing you like crazy and if it’s meant to be, he’ll reach out.

If he doesn’t, move on to the next reason!

Related: What Makes A Good Husband? – 10 Traits Of A High-Quality Man

3. It Helps You Make Other Connections

When you take a step back from your old relationship, you suddenly have more time, space and energy.

You can use this as a chance to focus on other connections in your life.

I remember when I first broke up with my ex, I realized I had lost contact with many friends who I used to be close with.

I used my breakup as a time to reconnect with them, and now, even though it’s been years, they are still my close friends.

Had I not had that time to reach out and connect with them again, I could have lost them forever.

Now is the time to chat with people you’ve lost touch with and possibly even make new friends.

It’s a fun time to fill your life up with other kinds of valuable connections.

Related: 40 Ways To Meet New People

2. It Teaches You Mental Grit

You can’t always get everything you want. Sorry!

As a dating coach for women, I have often heard my clients say things like:

“But I want to reach out to him sooo bad”

“Why can’t I just text him? I’m a grown adult”

All I’m hearing from those statements is “I want it and I want it now” and you know what? That attitude rarely works.

Do you want to be more fit? Then you can’t eat those Cheetos.

Want to get that corporate promotion? Well, then you can’t go to Bali with all your friends.

Sometimes we have to make short-term sacrifices for long-term gains.

This is the kind of mental grit that will not only get you far in relationships with men, it will get you farther in life.

Related: How To Stop Ruminating and Overthinking

1. It Will Make You Happiest In The Long-Run

That brings me to the last and final point.

The no contact rule works because it’s not just an easy cover-up solution.

It’s a solution that takes a tiny bit of extra effort, so that you can reap the long-term rewards.

Those rewards are:

  • Completely emotionally over your ex, meaning you can look at photos of him and feel nothing.
  • More inner strength, confidence, and self-esteem
  • New hobbies, interests, and passions
  • New connections outside of romance that will last a life-time
  • Mental healing so that you can enter a new happier and healthier relationship
  • The mental ability to make yourself happy

I could go on but.. doesn’t all of that sound amazing?!

If you can get all of that by simply ignoring your ex’s texts and not texting him back, this sounds pretty win/win to me 🙂

Related: What He’s Thinking When You Ignore Him

How To Attract A Man That Is High Quality

I hope you found this article helpful but it does you no good if you’re not attracting High-Quality Men.

Find out what High-Quality men look for in a woman, check out my Free Guide “How To Attract Higher-Quality Men”. It’s free!

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