Is it weird that I love it when people tell me they suck at dating? I love it for two reasons.
Reasons Why You Suck At Dating
The first is that they are admitting that they aren’t good at something. If you admit that you’re not good at something, that is the first step to actually getting better at it. You’re not saying “all men suck” or ” there aren’t any good guys out there”. You’re saying “my dating success is on me”.
The second reason is that you acknowledge that it’s something you suck at and that other people might be better than you. This means it’s a learned skill and all you need are a few little tips to take you from “sucking at dating” to “killing it at dating”.
Here are my favourite reasons for why I think you suck at dating and how you can get better.
10 reasons why you suck at dating
#1 – Your Standards Are All Wrong
So much of your dating success relies on who you actually go on dates with. Working as a matchmaker, I see so many of my clients with extreme standards that are just shooting themselves in the foot.
- Some of my clients don’t want someone who is more than 5 miles away from their house.
- One of my male clients wanted a woman with green eyes.
- Some of my female clients want a man to make 150K a year minimum.
None of my clients are wrong when they give me their criteria. Every one has their own priorities in life, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a checklist.
But let me ask you something. Would you rather be alone, waiting for someone to check all those boxes? Or would you rather be in a loving and healthy relationship that gives you emotional support and satisfaction every day of your life?
Maybe you have to drive 20 minutes away from your house to see that person.
Perhaps they have brown eyes.
Maybe they only make 80K a year.
In my five dating standards that actually matter post, I talked about looking past these things that seem so important on dating websites and so not important in a marriage. My boyfriend has hazel eyes and that doesn’t really help me when we’re trying to figure out who’s turn it is to buy groceries.
So what STANDARDS should you focus on?
- Communication skills
- Ability to compromise and negotiate
- Mental health/general attitude
- Life values and goals
You know, the stuff that determines how you guys are going to handle it if you lose your job. Or if he hurts his back and now has chronic pain. Or if your child is getting bullied at school.
Dating can be lots of fun and games, but relationships are about real life.
I know I sound harsh and like a Debbie downer but I’m just trying to prepare you guys for the battle of life!
I want you to have the best battle partner so you can tackle it together, so sue me!
- How To Text Guys In Today’s Dating World
- The Do’s and Don’ts For A Good Online Dating Profile
- 5 Dating Standards That Actually Matter
- How to Tell If A Guy Likes You – Explained By A Dating Coach
- How To Get An Amazing BF By Lowering Your Standards
#2 – You Have Sex Too Early
When is the golden time to have sex with a new guy? There is no golden rule but my answer is: as late as possible.
I don’t believe you need to be exclusive with your new guy before having sex but the longer you wait, the better of an idea you’ll have for how serious he is about starting a relationship.
I have seen my guy friends have “casual relationships” with women they have no intention of making their girlfriend. These relationships go on for months and in one case, over a year.
Why do you think those guys are stringing along those women?
Let’s think about this from a guy’s perspective.
He meets a woman that he thinks is “cool”. After one dinner date, things went well and he wants to see her again next Friday. So he invites her to come over and chill at his place. Maybe he orders in some sushi but he doesn’t take her out on a date.
The two of them have sex.
This guy now has everything he could ever want. No commitment, very little time or money spent in exchange for sex and good company.
Why should he take it to the next level? Why should he lock her in?
It’s much easier to shoot her a text saying “hey let’s finish the rest of making a murderer tonight” rather than getting all dressed up and trying to woo another woman at the bar.
Making things too easy means he can take it one of two ways. If he’s really into you, he could make you his girlfriend but if he’s not that into you, he might string you along for months before growing distant and breaking it off.
If you want to play the date lottery and try your luck with any guy who comes along, that is totally fine!
But, if you want to get rid of the players early on, you need to make things a little harder on them. It’s like a test to see if he’s willing to put in the effort.
If you make things harder, a guy who is not interested will peace out real quick.
#3 – You’re trying to fill an emotional void
If you’re looking for a relationship to “make you happy” then you’re looking in the wrong place.
My blog is all about relationships and self care. The self care part isn’t just a tag on because I’m interested in mental health.
It’s an integral first step to healthy relationships.
When you make yourself happy, you set up the foundation you need for a healthy relationship.
If you’re desperately trying to find someone just to fill an emotional void, you are 100 times more likely to end up with someone that isn’t good for you.
When you are confident in yourself, you know when to say “no” to the wrong person…so that you’re single right one comes along.
One of the first questions I ask my coaching clients is “why are you looking for a boyfriend?”. Their answer to this tells me everything I need to know. Ask yourself this question and pay attention to your answer.
#4 – You’re Overthinking
I am a huge advocate for bringing some logical advice into dating, but at the end of the day -it’s an emotionally charged thing.
Before you start analyzing his job, his career goals or what he said about this or that, you need to pay attention to how he makes you feel.
Does he make you laugh?
Do you guys have fun together?
Does he make you feel loved and safe?
What about negative emotions.
Does he make you feel insecure? Anxious? Do you find yourself acting differently around him than you do with other people you know?
Does he annoy you? Do you wish he would do many things differently?
Paying attention to how you feel around him is a HUGE way to know what the rest of your relationship is going to feel like. You’re going to feel those same feelings forever so make sure they’re happy feelings!
#5 – You don’t like texting
Ok this one might seem random, but this comes up ALL THE TIME.
“I don’t like texting”, “I’m bad at texting”. “I suck at dating.”
I’ve never heard anyone say: “I love building a resume and writing cover letters”, yet everyone still does those thing if they are looking for a job.
If you are looking for an SO you absolutely must prioritize that and get through the stuff that “isn’t fun”.
I’m being the Debbie downer again…but come on guys texting isn’t THAT bad! I rather text a potential amazing partner than drop the opportunity because I got frustrated looking for the winky emoji.
Little sacrifices guys, come on. Eye on the prize!
# 6 – You’re MURDERING the first date
First dates can be sooo awkward, especially if you suck at dating. The dreaded lull in the conversation… the awkward sip from your drink while your brain races trying to think of a new talking point.
First dates can be gruelling!
I’m going to contradict myself here…
You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.
This means that if someone is really into you, and they like your vibe, it will be hard to say the “wrong thing”. They will forgive your bad jokes or your awkward stories because they like you.
That being said, it is TOTALLY POSSIBLE to murder a good date by saying or doing the wrong things. Murdering a first date is the opposite of killing a first date which is what I want you guys to be doing.
Ugh why does this have to be so confusing?
A breakdown of first date offenses:
Involuntary manslaughter of the first date. These offenses are low on the punishment scale and easily forgiven:
- Awkward pauses
- Being nervous
- Telling a goofy or lame story
First degree murder of the first date. These offenses are worthy of captial punishment or worse, a life sentence of lonely nights watching the Notebook.
- Talking about your ex
- Complaining of any kind
- Asking about marriage, or if they want to have kids
- Bragging or commenting about how much money you make
- Not reaching for the bill at the end of the night
The list could get long but you guys get the idea. There are some things that are just not acceptable on a first date. You want to avoid those.
Psst: If you want to learn how to get better at small talking on a first date, check out my audiobook!
#7 – You’re not matching his behaviour
So many people ask me about how or when to take things to the next level. Is it too early for him to meet my parents? When should I introduce him to my friends? How often should I text him?
All these baby questions can be answered by looking at the mama question: What is he doing?
Has he introduced you to his friends? His parents? How often does he text you?
All you have to do is match his level of commitment.
That’s it. ‘Nuff said.
Yay I love it when it’s easy like this!
#8 – Your attitude sucks
Remember when you were a kid watching Peter Pan? Believe you can fly, that’s all you have to do is just BELIEVE! Think of happy things, it’s just like having wings!
I might not have some dating pixie dust for you guys but your dating attitude is going to determine your success.
You have to go in believing that it’s going to work. Believing that you’re going to find someone who you really connect with.
When you think positively about dating, you’re happier on dates, you’re less likely to beat yourself up after a bad date and less likely to give up. All of these will help you get the frog kissing out of the way quickly so that you’re still on Tinder when the Prince is swiping right on you.
Giving up and getting discouraged is a huge reason why you suck at dating.
#9 – Your Profile Sucks
Did you whip up that profile in five minutes? It shows.
Your dating profile, including the little blurb on dating apps is your first impression. You only get once chance to make a first impression so you don’t wanting to be blowing that opportunity.
I made a master post with the 10 do’s and don’ts for online dating profiles. You’ll definitely want to check that out if you’re dating online. The biggest takeaway from that post is that you absolutely MUST stand out from the crowd.
Everyone likes “travelling and checking out new places to eat”. It’s boring to say that stuff on your profile!
If you need a more personalized approach for coming up with a great profile, my dating coaching package includes personal guidance on how to write a great profile. Together we can up your dating game!
#10 – Your Photos Suck
Your photos are the most important part of your online dating profile. Now, I didn’t say “the way you look”, I said “your photos”.
Working as a matchmaker and helping people select the best photos has been such an eye opener for me. I have seen men look like a 6 in one photo and like a 9 in another.
Angles, lighting, clothing, location, facial expression, body language etc. etc. All of these things are going to play a part in how you look in a photo.
Want to know the worst part of this? You’re the absolute worst person to be in charge of determining which photo is the best!
I recently had a client mention to me that our favourite photo of them was taken when they were super tired and travelling for a work meeting. They didn’t think the photo looked great at all but our whole photo analysis team loved it!
In the same photo, you may see certain flaws, like wrinkles around the eyes where someone else might see a beautiful big smile.
Definitely get your friends or family to judge your dating profile photos and have them help you come up with the best lineup.
If you need help with this, my dating coaching package also includes a photo analysis by me to determine which ones would work the best.
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