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Yeah online dating sucks sometimes. The endless swiping and the dates that are dead in the first 20 minutes are no fun. In order to reduce the frustration and emotional drain that comes with online dating, I asked top dating experts and life coaches for their best tips for online dating.
Here are the best answers to my question “how to make online dating less frustrating.” See below for what they said:
30 Expert Tips For How To Make Online Dating More Successful
Set Time Aside
To avoid online dating frustration, you should set aside 30 minutes to an hour of focused digital dating, at least twice a week. Constantly checking your dating apps and not having a specific time set aside each week for messaging and searching efforts can have you feeling overwhelmed. When it comes to online dating, it is a numbers game and requires your patience. Keep in mind your goal is to keep your opportunities open and the more time you can spend on dating activities will increase your chances of success.
It’s online dating, you don’t know him, he doesn’t know you. It could go really good and it could go really badly. You have no idea. Therefore…No expectations is your golden card! When you go on that date, have an intention just to enjoy the moment. If it’s really horrible you can share some fun stories. If he took you on a date and you loved it and he didn’t call you. Be grateful for the experience. Sometimes finding the right person takes time sometimes it happens straight away. But if you focus on you and your dreams no matter when it happens it doesn’t affect your happiness.
Be Specific in Your Profile
To make online dating more successful, you must bring in specificity in your profile and in your conversations. Create snapshots of your life. It’s really easy to sound generic on an app, we obviously all love puppies, hiking, and Taco Tuesday. Give specific examples of what you’re into. Not just reading, what kind of reading? The same goes for your conversations. No more “How’s quarantine?” texts. Being specific will also polarize people. Repelling people who are not for you will help you waste less time and spend more time chatting with people who are on the same wavelength.
Anna Maria Jorgensen
Know What Kind Of Relationship You Want
Whether you’re looking for something for now or forever helps you determine which dating sites or apps to use.
Rule of Thumb: The more info you’re required to input to create a profile the more likely potential matches are looking for or considering a long-term relationship.
Apps like Tinder that require little to no personal info and rely on photos are also more likely to have people interested in short-term relationships or casual hookups. Using a dating site or app that aligns with your relationship goals will save you time in finding Mr. Right or Right Now.
Have A Good Mindset
Don’t do anything related to dating — online or otherwise — when you’re not in a good place emotionally. For example, if you’re feeling sad, bored, lonely, or irritated, stay away from your dating apps! We only want to be swiping, chatting, or working on our profiles when we feel great. Trust me when I say that your energy and your intention matters!
Increase your self-love practice during this time. Stay in and take an Epsom salt bath if you’re feeling exhausted, get plenty of sleep, take yourself on dates, re-read your favorite books, go and take a restorative yoga class, anoint yourself with lavender oil every time you leave the house. Do what you have to do to feel good and nourished
Project Your Best Self
One of my best tips for online dating is that it is no different from online job searches or even finding a good restaurant. There’s a mixture of projecting our best selves out there as well as fantasizing about how the person ( or noodles ) on the other end will make us feel….There’s an awful lot of projection and a decent amount of built-in structural distance from our authentic selves. The key is to have fun and see it all as an experiment. It’s an imagination process that will not be fully realized until we completely digest the actual experience and reflect how it made us feel and if we want to create more of it in the future. We have to consider how close to our authenticity we were inspired to be, whether we felt safe and supported to be our fullest self.
Be Intentional About Dating Apps
The most powerful way to make online dating less draining is to be very intentional about the time you spend on the apps. Just like social media use or consumption of the news, dating apps can exhaust you and place a strain on your mental health if overused. Set the intention to spend 30 minutes per day or less on dating apps, bringing meaningful conversations and connections outside of the app with the people you’re wanting to get to know. This will ensure that your focus is on each connection, rather than getting sucked into the energy of the app itself.
Evan Marc Katz
Short-Term Pessimism, Long Term Optimism
The odds that the next person you meet is the one are slim; the odds that you will meet him if you persevere are great. That’s why resetting your expectations is essential. You don’t expect it to be warm in winter. You don’t expect empty freeways at 5 o’clock on Friday. And you shouldn’t expect that because you get on a dating site with infinite choice that it will be easy to find a great partner for the long-term. If you just start with the premise that 90% of people aren’t for you, you’ll be in a healthier place, and you won’t be too surprised when reality proves it to be true.
My tip for online dating is that you should know yourself. You have to go into it knowing yourself very well, with high confidence and knowing exactly what type of man you want. This takes some introspection and careful consideration before you go online.
Now, you know yourself and you have your list of non-negotiables ready to go. This enables you to screen the men you choose and weed out the users, the couch potatoes and the losers fast!
No longer will you get frustrated online because you will be choosing your men instead of being chosen.
Build Yourself and He Will Come is how I like to phrase it!My new best-selling book – What to Do When Online Dating Sends You Running for Cover details this process in detail! – Gregg Michaelsen
Have Your Own Standards
The one practice that can be helpful with on-line dating to make it less frustrating and less emotionally draining is to tailor your standards. Stop trying to find”The Right Person” and instead make sure they check-off the boxes most important, to you. Non-Negotiable things that provide and ensure the mileage you want to experience with that potential partner.
What You Should Not Do In Online Dating
Don’t take rejection personally. One of the things you If someone doesn’t respond right away (or at all); it’s not always because they aren’t interested. Timing is a major factor. Think of it like running a business. You have to reach out but not everyone is going to need your services at that time. Some of my best clients have initially had to reschedule (due to life issues) and then when they did commit to working with me, I had their FULL attention.
Cast A Wide Net
If you look at each day as an opportunity to meet new and exciting people, and those with similar interests, you take the self-induced pressure of finding “the one” instantly, off the table. For this reason, I believe in casting a wide net. There are plenty of couples who met, because someone had an online date, and when they went into the “friend zone,” they suggested a friend. One actually married their friend’s online dating castaway.
Include Action Shots In Profiles
I always looked for dating profiles with action photos. These photos showed that we’d likely make a solid compatible match (and hit it off chemistry-wise too). I sent women messages commenting on these photos and not their physical beauty for an added personal touch.
Stick To Reality
My best tip for online dating is to stop imagining stuff and stick to reality.
Yes, I realise it sounds a bit harsh, but there’s a reason for it. Most of the single people, especially women, tend to imagine what would it be if that person was The One. He tells you he often travels around the country and you start imagining how would a long-term relationship work if he’s always away. When he mentions he’s in between jobs, you start thinking that he might be lazy and isn’t motivated enough to chase a career. If you like the same song, a movie or an author, you start imagining late evening cuddled in the bed listening/reading/watching whatever you both liked.
You’re building an image of that person in your head. Instead, see it as a piece of a puzzle and collect it. Then, ask or wait for the next part of that puzzle and so on. Don’t create the pieces yourself. Your goal is to get to know him and not to imagine a box he should fit in.
Have an Open Mind
When I was online dating I became easily frustrated with the lack of connection I felt with people, but I knew I had to shift my perspective if I was going to have any luck. The type of energy you put out there reflects the outcome you’re going to have. Once you allow yourself to approach meeting someone with an open mind you never know what you might learn. And even if you don’t walk away as soulmates you still might leave with new insights about life or yourself!
Understand How Online Dating Works
Don’t start online dating expecting to find prince charming on take 1. You are using it as a tool, a platform to meet more men and figure out who is or is not a match. Chances are that out of every 100 men, just 1 is a match. This is because you are looking for the right man, not for having a collection of men. So it only takes 1 man to find love.
Dating Is Like Reading A Novel
One of my tips for online dating is to approach it as you would reading a novel. The story is likely to reveal new experiences such as traveling to unfamiliar places, getting to know unique personalities, or even gaining new perspectives and world views. And just like reading a book, you can enjoy dating without tying your happiness to the outcome. Sometimes, a novel will be boring or scary; other times, it will feel dreary or worn-out. But once-in-awhile, you’ll find a novel so good, and the fit between you and the story so exciting, that you’ll be captivated and want to read the sequel.
Know Your Why
Be clear about your reasons and readiness for dating. This will help you stay focused and set good boundaries. Know the who- Make sure you are clear on what you are looking for and don’t settle for less. Setting boundaries and limits will reduce some of the time wasting that comes with online dating.
One way to begin processing (rather than reacting) to what you are feeling is to increase oxygen. This can be done by going outside and stretching, taking deep breaths (in and out through your nose slowly), squeezing your muscles tight (e.g. making fists with your hands) holding for twenty seconds, doing facial exercises such as smiling wide and releasing.
Once you bring more oxygen in your body then pause for sixty seconds and observe your breathing without judgment. Notice how each breath is unique from the next. Think of your emotions as similar to the spin cycle on the washing machine. In other words, allow your emotions to run their full cycle before moving on, or thinking about the next thing.
Have Another Focus
Many people get sucked into dating sites which can very quickly become draining. To this end, it’s important to ensure that your life has another focus beyond romantic relationships. Dating shouldn’t take over your whole brain space. Allow yourself to enjoy something healthy and fun outside of the online dating world so that you can come back to dating as your best self.
See Online Dating As A Tool
-See it as one tool among many- For many people, online dating is their only option to find dates. If they struggle, they’re all out of options. In addition to online dating, create other avenues to meet new people like singles events, hobby groups, and even having friends and family set you up on dates.
Decide Your Dealbreakers
When online dating becomes in-person dating, you are going to want to make your time count. For this reason, I suggest coming up with your deal-breakers and writing them down. Are you searching for someone who is religious, a family-oriented person, loves to travel, etc.? Pick out 2-4 traits on a list that your partner must have, and if your date doesn’t adhere to your deal-breakers, don’t waste your time with a second date.
A major concern in online dating is getting “ catfished”- when you meet someone and they look drastically different than their photos. A simple way to deal with this is to ask for their Facebook/ Instagram ( look at their photos to determine if their is any discrepancy between their online dating photos), ask the person to send a photo, or have a video call via Facebook or etc. Doing any of these will save you a lot of time wasting and frustration.
I’m a confidence coach working with negative self-talkers to overcome the fear of judgments. The most common thing I’ve come across with the frustration is the level of self-confidence. Make online dating less emotionally draining by being clear on your motivation and intention behind online dating without holding judgments (about yourself and others). We can show up with our best. We can not control how others perceive us, but we can control how we respond to them.
Treva Brandon Scharf
Take The Pressure Off
The most important piece of advice I can give anyone at any age is this: don’t date like your life depends on it. Take the pressure off, keep your expectations in check, keep a sense of humor and fun, and don’t operate from a place of fear or desperation. Dating will be much less emotionally draining (and disappointing) if you come from a place of empowerment and adventure.
Limit Your Interactions
The biggest mistake I see in online dating is downloading too many apps or joining too many sites. This leads to starting conversations with many people without being able to keep up with them and hardly ever converting a conversation to an actual date. Pick just one platform and take the time to create a thoughtful profile. Be positive and show a bit of your personality and let people know your intentions. Be selective about who you engage with and keep it to under 10 people at any given time.
Go On Fun Dates
App dating and the feeling of validation can be like a drug. Go for the fun dates only. Dates are not of national importance or state your status. So don’t get into stuffy interviews in contrived romantic situations. Show up, enjoy yourself, and take some of the pressure off. Laugh, giggle, and play. The lighthearted attitude will make you a fully present person. So if the relationship does not go for long, at least you have a fun time together.
A lot of folks believe if they can dazzle someone with their personality and sense of humor they can get them to “make exceptions” to the must-haves. Lying about age, height, weight, career, and relationship status is a big mistake if you’re hoping to have a serious relationship.
“While we are free to choose our actions we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. – Stephen R. Covey
Have A Dating Funnel
For anyone who says they feel frustrated with online dating, I take a look at what I call “The Dating Funnel”. If your lovelife is not flowing, you have a block in one of 5 areas of the funnel: mindset (past relationships or limiting beliefs), sourcing (where you’re finding dates), screening (how you filter through dating options), presentation & flirting, or follow-through. In my 15 years of coaching frustrated singles on online dating, there is always a block in one or more of those areas. As soon as you fix your block, your love life will flow. Sometimes that process takes months and sometimes it takes years but it always requires a desire to make a change and decisive action to make a shift.
In order to make online dating more efficient, you have to tailor your efforts to attract higher quality matches. This means picking the right photos and structuring your dating profiles so they highlight features that are most attractive to high-quality men. If you want more information on how to do this, be sure to download my checklist: How To Attract Higher-Quality Men