Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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Why did he ghost me? Seriously, why is ghosting a thing and why does it keep happening?
If you have been ghosted by a man you were seeing, you are not alone.
This happens to pretty much everyone and I often hear it from my coaching clients.
You’re having a great time with a guy you just met. He asks you out on dates, he texts you, you’re having great sex and then suddenly, you don’t hear from him again…
Why Did He Ghost Me? The Scientific Answer
Before we get into it, let’s grab a definition of ghosting from fellow dating coach over at wingmam:
What is ghosting? It’s when he’s either no longer interested (98% chance) or actually really dead (1.5% chance) or “thinking about it” (.5% chance)
Ouch. Most of us know that men who ghost us are probably not interested. Yet we still wonder, why? Things seemed to be going to so well.
Well, hears where can get a little help from science.
See men and women experience attraction a little differently than each other.
Understanding this difference is going to help explain why this happens.
Men are physical attraction first, personality second. Women are personality and emotional bonding first, physical attraction second.
So when you’re on a first date with a guy, you’ve seen his basic appearance and you’ve decided “this will do” and from then on, you’re analyzing and critiquing every aspect of his personality.
If he talks too long about himself, that’s a turn-off.
If he doesn’t pay for dinner, that’s a turn-off.
He mentions he is into hunting, that’s either a turn-off or a turn on but either way, you’re trying to get a sense of his entire personality based on one interest or hobby.
In a nutshell, once you have decided that his physical appearance is good enough, you will spend the rest of the time figuring out if his personality lives up to your standards.
You’re testing to see if he is going to make a good long-term partner.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but… men don’t do it this way!
Instead, he is analyzing how “hot” you are and how much he is attracted to you physically. This means he is looking at your smile, your body movements, your overall appearance and mannerisms to see if you have physical chemistry.
If he is very physically attracted to you, that comes first and your personality comes second.
This can be proven easily if you have ever had any male friends. How many of your male friends have started seeing a totally bat-shit crazy woman just because she was really hot?
This happens all the time!
Let’s take a look at this study from Medicis Aesthetics to make things a little clearer:
“In a study commissioned by Medicis Aesthetics, 1,000 men and women were polled on many relationship questions — from marriage and divorce to physical attraction. What they found was that while looks mattered to both sexes, for men especially, how their potential partner looked was much more important — and a bigger indicator of overall attraction. “Men are initially attracted to women based on a physical connection and then grow to love the person,” Martinez says. “They do not think someone is nice and then have the attraction grow.” (Tigar, 2019)
This explains why men are so much more likely to ghost you and disappear after seemingly having a lot of fun.
It’s because if they find you physically attractive, they are going to have a lot of fun hanging out with you and having sex with you because that is all they are prioritizing at the moment.
Then eventually, they will start to decide if your personality is something that fits with them for the long-term.
If they decide the answer to this is “no” they will move onto someone else. This might sound harsh but really, it’s only fair.
You have all your standards and checkboxes for things you want in a man.
You want him to have a good job, be family-oriented, intelligent etc. He has every right to have this checklist as well.
The problem here is that both of you are running through the checklists at different times.
You’re running through the checklist on the first date and every date after that.
So if you are interested in seeing him for date number two, this means he didn’t do anything to rule him out of “long-term” potential. Yet if he wants to see you for date number two, this is just because he thinks you’re hot.
He hasn’t even begun to decide if you have long-term potential yet.
He’ll decide this later, once you’ve already started falling for him. If he decides that he doesn’t think you’re long-term potential, he will ghost you even though “things were going so well.”
So there you have it!
Men just go through the “long-term partner” checklist a little later than women.
Now that you know this, it’s even more important to analyze the way a man is treating you in the beginning stages.
Does he just want to take you out for late-night drinks and then back to his place?
Or does he want to spend the whole day at the beach talking and getting to know you?
If the dates he chooses are about getting to know your personality and he is willing to spend time talking to you instead of just having sex, you’ll see that he is interested in more than just a physical relationship.
It’s also a good reminder to stay in the present.
Women tend to get ahead of themselves.
As soon as you meet a guy who isn’t a weird creeper, you’re already planning the wedding.
Now is the time to remind yourself that dating is supposed to be fun and casual at first.
You’re just getting to know each other and your guard should still be up for the most part. You want to make sure the guy you’re seeing is going to be worth it and doesn’t show any red flags.
PS. If you want to download my FREE red flags checklist you can know for sure if the guy you’re seeing is worth your time.
Just remember to take a step back and enjoy the honeymoon phase. If you end up getting ghosted, just say thank you, next!
Forgive The Ghost
If you are a victim of the ghost, just forgive him and move on. As renowned dating coach Evan Marc Katz points out:
…These aren’t bad people, evil people, or sadists who are trying to hurt you. They are just like you. Normal. Confused. Torn between being single and finding love. Torn between chemistry and compatibility. Torn between innumerable dating options that may look better from the outside.
Don’t Take It Personally
If you find yourself ghosted, don’t take it personally. Sure maybe you weren’t a great fit for the man you were seeing but that’s only one of many reasons why he might have ghosted.
Deanna over at Dateworks reminds us:
Men are hardwired for success and can be very focused on reaching certain goals and milestones before they’re ready to commit. Every man will have his own unique set of goals. There will be common themes such as – he needs to feel like he has reached a certain point in his career, a particular status, income level, had a specific experiences, or even be a certain age.
So don’t let the ghost get you down! You want someone who wants you.
I hope you learned a lot about ghosting! If you’d like to learn more about attracting a high-quality man, download my FREE dating red flags checklist which includes a bonus lesson on compatibility.
Until next time!