Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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So you were dating a guy, he disappeared, and now months later, he’s texting you. Find out why men come back months later, and what you can do about it, step by step.
Why Did He Come Back Months Later?
He Made A Huge Mistake and Realized You’re The Love Of His Life
Is this why you’re here?
Were you hoping I would say this?
Well, if you are still in love with him and are happy that he’s giving you some attention, it COULD be a good thing.
But it could also be a trainwreck.
As a dating coach for women, it’s my job to give you the tough love.
So let’s do a little digging and find out what we’re dealing with.
What’s His Reason For Coming Back?
He can’t just be showing up at your doorstep and expect to be treated like the man of the house without an explanation.
What are his reasons for coming back?
His explanation will reveal a lot about his true intentions.
Good reasons to come back:
“I made a mistake, and I’m sorry” – This is a step in the right direction, this shows maturity.
This shows that he is willing to take the blame and start something new.
“I wasn’t ready for something serious before, but I am now” – This another great explanation because it shows that YOU were not the problem before, it was just that he wasn’t ready to settle down.
Now that he had some time to think things over, he is ready for a real commitment.
“I want what you want” – If you guys broke up because of differences like he didn’t want kids or he didn’t want to get married and he’s coming back saying that now he does want that stuff- that’s awesome!
That’s a great reason to take him back.
Related post: How To Know If He Loves You
Bad reasons to come back:
“I miss you” – Unless this one is coupled with some of the reasons above, this one is not great.
This reason why he came back months later shows that he is trying to fill a hole in his heart.
He is desperate, lonely or maybe even horny.
If he says that he misses you, push him a little harder to get the real reason out.
Ask him “why do you miss me?”, “what’s going to be different this time?” if he follows up with some of the “good reasons” from above, then that’s a much better sign.
“My life is not the same without you” – Again, this doesn’t show any kind of maturity or personal growth.
This could simply mean that he liked it better when a woman was around to do his laundry and make him dinner.
“I promise I will never do it again.” – This one is not bad necessarily but it is very risky and really depends on what he did to you in the first place.
If he is apologizing for any kind of abusive behavior, do not take him back.
Abusive behavior includes but is not limited to:
–Emotional abuse like namecalling, insults, personal attacks, frequent yelling, violent arguments that involve punching walls or throwing things.
–Physical abuse like hitting, pushing, or shaking your body.
–Sexual abuse like not listening to your needs, forcing to do things you’re not comfortable with and not stopping if you tell him to stop.
If he’s apologizing for cheating on you, you really need to make sure that you are emotionally healed and recovered before taking him back.
You need to have had time to yourself and possibly even seen a therapist or coach to help you learn to trust again.
If you feel that you can honestly trust him again, you can consider taking him back, but if you’re not ready yet, he should be ok with giving you more time.
If he’s saying that he has overcome addiction. Do not take him back.
I know this is going to be controversial, but addiction, whether it’s alcohol, drugs etc. takes years to truly overcome.
If he has returned after only a few months, this is not long enough for him to have proven that he has overcome his demons.
If this is the case, then you can kindly tell him that you love him and that you’ll support him through his recovery, but you don’t want to be in a relationship again until you can see that he has fully recovered.
This brings me to my next point.
When A Man Comes Back Months Later, He Should Be Willing To Listen
If he hurt you or left you and now he’s coming back months later, he must understand that he’s in the doghouse.
He is asking you for forgiveness and you are allowed to outline what you need from him in order to take him back.
If you need more time, he should wait without getting upset.
In fact, doing this might actually make him miss you more.
According to Shannon over at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, not giving him so much attention is a great way to make him feel like he has to work for it.
“Men are driven by competitions and this applies to love, as well. In order to have value you need to make him feel as though he has earned you, make yourself seem like a prize that he needs to work for. You might ask what is the best way to accomplish this?And the answer is by ignoring him.”
So even if you’re head over heels in love and super happy that he’s reaching out, ignoring him and making him wait for it can be a great way to make him prove that he’s really interested and really sorry.
If he leaves, he wasn’t worth your time anyway.
You must be able to verify that things have changed
Taking his word that things are different now is ok, but having him prove it is better.
If he says he’s willing to have kids now, ask him when he can picture himself having his first child.
When he says that he is no longer using drugs, ask him how long he’s been sober.
Don’t be afraid to express your feelings
Now is the time to tell him that you were hurt and that he was the cause of it.
Let him know that you may forgive once, but not twice.
He needs to know that when a high-quality woman like you decides to take a man back, it only ever happens once.
Related Post: What Makes A Good Husband? Traits of A High-Quality Man
He Came Back To Get Laid
According to dating expert Gregg Michaelsen, recently single men are hit with the reality that it’s not always easy to be player.
“You made him feel like he was the greatest guy out there, so he thought every other woman would think the same. He was dead wrong. And now, he’s having a hard time just getting sex. “
If you are ok with having casual sex with your ex, go for it girl – you’re a modern woman who can do what she wants!
But if you are considering starting up a real relationship again, you must pull sex off the table.
You must remember that wanting sex is one of the most common reasons why men come back months later.
He does not deserve to have sex with you until he proves his intentions.
He has hurt you and the relationship and he must be willing to do things differently if he wants to get you in the bedroom.
Make sure you don’t have sex until you have been seeing each other again for at least a month. Yes, a month. I wouldn’t be a good dating coach if I tried to let you off the hook easy with this one.
If he can’t wait a month, he didn’t want anything serious to begin with.
Think About Yourself First
When men come back months later, you will be questioning their intentions but you should also question yours.
Why are you considering taking this man back?
Are YOU lonely?
Are YOU just looking to get laid?
Look Inward At Your Emotional State
Do you just miss the feeling of cuddling someone on the couch?
Do you feel like your clock is ticking and he may be the only chance you’ll have to have a baby?
Those reasons to take someone back are seeded in self-doubt and insecurity. Those are not healthy emotional states to base a good relationship.
Healthy relationships need a foundation of confidence and maturity.
Unless you have those feelings helping you make decisions, you could be making a big mistake.
Instead of wondering why men come back months later, it is better to look inward and find out if you really want this man back in the first place.
What Makes Him So Special?
If you’re just missing the feeling of having a boyfriend, this is not a reason to take a man back.
There are many men who are fully capable couch cuddlers.
If your ex isn’t bringing anything special to the table, there’s no reason to settle for him.
Remember you are a high-quality woman who deserves a high-quality man.
A man who is serious, committed and treats you very well.
If you need help finding this partner, consider downloading my FREE dating red flags checklist to make sure you’re not getting stuck with a loser.
I hope you learned a lot about why men come back months later and what you can do if you’re in this situation.
With love from your favourite dating coach,