Will I Be Single Forever? – Find Out If Your Love Life Is Doomed

will i be single forever dating coach
Lana Otoya

“Will I be single forever?” is this something that you’re muttering to yourself when the night gets dark and your house starts to feel cold and lonely?

When you feel like, hmm it would be really nice to be binge watching this Netflix show with someone.

I know what it feels like to be alone and not be happy with it. If you feel the same way, keep reading – this just might help.

Will i be single forever - dating coach

Will I be Single Forever? Find Out If Your Love Life Is Doomed

If you’re asking yourself if you will be single forever, you’re experiencing one or both of the following:

  • Low self esteem because you’re afraid no one will love you
  • The feeling that there’s nobody out there that will match what you’re looking for

The first one has to do with you not being good enough, and the other has to do with the people out there not being good enough. Both leave you alone.

Let’s start tackling each of these one by one.

You Have Low Self Esteem

If you don’t think you’re worthy of love, you have low self esteem whether you’re ready to admit that or not.

When you think about, it the only reason humans are even on earth is to feel and give love. Otherwise what’s the point of eating and sleeping if we can’t connect with the other people who occupy this earth?

Wait! Hold the phone here…

Hold on, before we get any further into this article I just want to make it clear that if you’re happy being alone and you don’t need or want a significant other then that is wonderful!

That is seriously amazing and you will get your feeling of love from your passions, your friends and your family.

That’s amazing and nothing to be frowned upon.

But this article is for people who are afraid they will be single forever and WANT to find a romantic relationship.

Ok back to where I was before.

You Have Low Self Esteem

The cause of low self esteem can be many things but these are the major ones that I have seen have an impact on my client’s love lives.

Shyness/Introversion

No, not everyone who is an introvert has low self esteem. But many people who feel they are not outgoing enough can start to use introversion as an excuse for why they might not be able to find a partner.

The truth is, meeting new people and putting yourself out there in the dating world absolutely does take a certain level of out-going-ness.

As an introvert myself, I can find it difficult to connect with new people right away – yet that’s what dating is all about.

You’re supposed to go for drinks with someone and connect with them right then and there. If you blow it, you’re done and you don’t get to go on a second date.

If you’re a man, you might struggle to put yourself out there and introduce yourself to women. You might find it hard to connect with them and ask them for a number.

If you’re a woman you might find it awkward or challenging to be flirty and friendly on a first date.

If this is the case, your introversion or shyness is probably not helping you find a partner.

It’s ok to be quiet and introverted, it’s not ok to use that as an excuse to not do anything to improve.

If you want to be more outgoing, you can be. It just takes a little work and a perspective shift.

But I hate small talk

I hear this from introverts all the time. They hate going on dates because they don’t like the fluffy conversations that happen.

Introverts like “deep and meaningful conversations” they don’t want to be bothered talking about the easy stuff.

I have been in this boat and you know what? That’s a big ol’ excuse for not leaving your comfort zone.

By saying you only like deep and meaningful conversations, you are saying that you only like to talk to people you already know well.

Have a look at the different stages of human connection:

  1. Small talk
  2. Opinions
  3. Personal Revelation

The more “fun” conversations happen at step two and three but guess what?

You ‘aint getting to step two without step 1!

Being bad at small talk is one thing. Choosing purposely not to partake in it is going to keep you single forever. If you need some help on small talk I wrote a book about it here.

Burned From A Past Relationship

Another reason people find themselves with low self esteem is if they have been in a bad relationship in the past.

I have a friend who was in a horrible relationship for many years and now she associates relationships with heartache, struggle and anxiety rather than love and support.

The protective wall

This is where we have to talk about the protective wall.

The protective wall is the thing you put up when you don’t want to get hurt again. You remember the pain of loving and losing and you do not want to put yourself through that again.

So you put the wall up thinking this is going to save you from pain.

The wall works both ways.

It stops anyone from getting too close but it also stops you from getting too close to anyone.

Brene Brown, a renowned researcher, author and public speaker talked about the importance of vulnerability in human connection.

Her research founded that when you reveal your true self to someone and they accept you, this is where true love and connection is born.

If you have your wall up, thinking that it’s going to protect you from getting hurt – you are correct, it will help with that.

But it will also stop you from achieving a true deep and loving connection with someone else. Thus, making you single forever.

If you need help taking this wall down and seeing how you can do this with minimal chance of getting hurt, check out my post on it here.

Rumination and Negative Thinking

The last reason that you might have low self esteem is if you are your own worst enemy.

Does your brain tell you how much you suck?

If it does, then the one thing that is supposed to be encouraging you and support you is doing the total opposite.

This is a downward spiral into anxiety and depression.

You do control your brain

I know that negative thinking and rumination are not something that you can just stop.

Once your brain gets used to looking at the down side of things, it’s very difficult to climb out of that hole.

But difficult doesn’t mean impossible.

When I tell my clients to start thinking more positively, they roll their eyes and think I don’t understand them.

The truth is, it kind of is that simple. Hold on hear me out.

Right now – think of a circus elephant balancing on a rubber ball and holding an umbrella.

Do it.

See?

You put a thought into your head. One that you controlled completely by yourself.

You are getting too caught up in what is called automatic thoughts. Automatic thoughts are the ones that just pop into your head and you don’t control.

I’m not talking about those, I’m talking about the ones you do control.

The more positive thoughts you purposely put into your brain, the more your automatic thoughts will get the hint.

If you want to learn more about how to overcome rumination and negative thinking. I wrote a book about it that you can check out here.

The Man You Want DOES Exist

Ok now that we’ve covered the “low self esteem” we need to tackle the other problem:

  • The feeling that there’s nobody out there that will match what you’re looking for

You have like, a thousand soul mates

So many people when they are dating are picturing finding this “one” person. The person that is perfect for them.

Let’s say you end up finding someone that you love a lot. You end up marrying them, having kids with them and stay with them until you die of old age.

In this situation, yes, that person was your “one”. But there are thousands of other people out there that could have filled that role.

If you have a boyfriend who is perfect in every single way and he’s just super amazing – you have a boyfriend in your dreams only.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody.

Focus on what really matters

When you find your “perfect” boyfriend, that person will still have flaws.

It is for this reason that you need to focus on things that really matter.

Superficial things like salary, height, location and even looks to a certain extent are not going to matter at the end of the day.

If you need help figuring out which standards matter and which ones don’t, you can check out my article here on it.

The other word for love is “acceptance”

If you’re still thinking that there’s nobody out there that you think you will match with, let me put it another way.

Real love happens when you accept someone.

It’s easy to think about this when we think about the love between a mother and child.

Imagine a mother giving birth. She is finally through the hours of labour and is told that the child was born with a large birthmark across his face.

Do you think a (mentally stable) mother would love the child any less?

Of course not.

We see this with parents and children all the time. A mother will love her son even if he isn’t doing well in school, if he gets addicted to drugs or even if he commits a crime.

For some reason, when we think about finding a significant other, we are not so accepting.

He’s 5’8?

No way, won’t work.

He doesn’t help clean up around the house?

I want to break up with him.

He lost his high paying job?

Don’t want to get married anymore.

Start with your attitude

Your attitude while dating is everything. The more you become accepting of others AND their human flaws, the easier it is going to be to find someone that truly matches with you, loves you and supports you.

When you accept someone else as who they are, the chances of them doing the same to you go way up – and suddenly the dating thing got a whole lot easier.

If want to learn other was to make dating easier, click here.

Conclusion

“Will I be single forever?” is a tempting question to ask when you’ve given up and decided to put your dating life into fate’s hands.

When you decide to let things “happen naturally” that is the quickest way to actually being single forever.

I like to take a more proactive approach. Focus on yourself, your personal goals, your dreams and your passions. Teach yourself to meet new people and put yourself out there and finally, be more accepting towards others.

If you can start doing those things, even a little bit you might just end up finding someone amazing – and I really hope you do.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *