How To Be A Better Girlfriend – What Men Really Want From Their Partners

how to be a better girlfriend
Lana Otoya

Before I was a dating coach, I was a professional matchmaker for hundreds of male clients. This is how I learned exactly what men want from women and how to be a better girlfriend. Here are my top tips.

How To Be The Best Girlfriend In The World

10. Seriously, Stop Nagging.

It’s so hard to live with someone that doesn’t do everything the way you do, right?

If I made a list of all the little things that men do to annoy women, it would be miles long. My boyfriend backseat drives me and it’s really annoying. But I do things that annoy him too…

I just can’t think of any of those things right now.

The thing about nagging and nitpicking all the time is that it really wears down the bond that the two of you have.

John Gottman, a marriage researcher has determined that each little interaction that you have with your partner counts towards your “happiness ratio”. This ratio is 5:1, meaning that a happy couple will have 5 positive/happy interactions for every 1 negative.

This is a nice summary of the ratio:

Basically, the rule says for a married couple to stay together and be happy, the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions has to be greater than 5:1. If ratios started to dip below the 5:1 range, the marriage showed signs of trouble. If the ratio became much worse, the couple was not likely to make it.

So if you’re nagging your partner, that’s going to be in the “negative” category.

Think about it this way, every time you get on his case about leaving his socks on the floor, you’ll have to do 5 nice things to make up for it.

It’s best to save your negative interactions for something a little more important.

9. Stop Overreacting

Sometimes it can be difficult to determine if you’re overacting.

The way to give yourself some perspective is to ask yourself if you’re going to die.

“Am I going to die if the dishes aren’t done tonight? Am I going to die if he doesn’t want to go to my mom’s for dinner?”

If the answer is “no” you’re probably overreacting.

Here are a few more examples. If you start a fight because…

He glanced over at a hot girl while you were at dinner – You’re overreacting.

He didn’t kiss you as soon as you walked in the door – You’re overreacting.

You find out he’s sending dick pics to another girl – Serious issue!! Get mad now.

Overreacting is the easy thing to do. You’re better than this.

One thing that should be noted is that overreacting when you’re a little upset is the easy thing to do.

You know that you shouldn’t start acting passive-aggressively or picking a fight but it just feels better to act that way.

This post from Psych Central helps describe why we yell and also presents an interesting view-point by asking this question:

“Are you the type of person that automatically increases your voice so that you can create a situation in which you become the dominant speaker?” – Psych Central

Escalate small issues into larger ones is just a way for you to feel powerful. Instead, be the bigger person and speak calmly and respectfully about what might be bothering you.

8. Improve Yourself

I put this one in here because this is something that is in your control.

Often in relationships, you get so focused on what the other person can do better that you forget about the other half of the relationship: YOU!

When I was talking to those hundreds of single men, many of them wanted the following trait in a woman: passion.

Now, this didn’t mean passion in the sense of hot sex, it meant passion in her own personal hobbies and interests. These men wanted a woman who was dedicated to something, anything. It could be art, dancing, her job, it didn’t matter.

They just wanted her to be focused on something in her life.

So now is the time to look at the person you want to become and work towards that. Whatever that may be, it’s a great way for how to be a better girlfriend.

7. Take Care of Your Appearance

After speaking to hundreds of single men, one thing is for sure, they REALLY care about looks.

I know that might sound shallow, but that’s just the way men are. Women usually want a man who makes good money, and men want a woman who they find attractive.

Now this doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to grow old, or gain some wait.

But it doesn’t hurt to take pride in your appearance and be the person that you want to be.

Some women want to eat salad every day and work on the six pack, while other women would rather do a yoga class once a week. No one is saying you have the be the first woman. You just need to have some standards that you set out for yourself and try to achieve those goals.

At the end of the day, your boyfriend, if he’s a high-quality man, will love you no matter what. Everything you do to improve your appearance is not a necessity, it’s just icing on the cake.

6. Focus On Healthy Communication

You should never approach your boyfriend with a negative tone.

I know that sounds like I’m from the 1950’s but it’s true. You have every right to be mad or upset with your boyfriend, but the way you approach him can make or break your point.

Don’t start conversations with a negative tone. Even if you’re frustrated and foaming at the mouth, you’re not going to win anything by yelling. It can be tough, but with a little practice you’ll get the hang of it.

If you feel that you absolutely cannot have a talk without yelling, take a few moments and calm down before engaging in conversation. It’s ok to be upset by a petty thing, it’s not OK to be offensive or aggressive about it.

One way to soften the blow is to give your partner a warning that you’re not in a good mood.

This gives them a subtle hint to tread carefully.

It’s best to start with an “I statement” such as “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now” or “I’m really upset”.

This starts the conversation in a way that he can express concern and is more likely to listen to your needs.

5. Make Him Feel Good

When I was doing some mentoring with a male dating coach, he taught me a lot about what men really want in women. Then when I spoke with many of my single male clients, they confirmed this fact.

Men just want to feel good. This is both emotionally and sexually.

When you’re with someone for a long time, it’s easy to get caught up in little day to day things, but if you want to learn how to be a better girlfriend, start with thinking about his needs, and helping him meet those needs.

If he’s the kind of guy that enjoys the house being clean, clean the house. If he’s the kind of guy that likes a homecooked meal, offer to make him dinner.

Hold your horses, don’t freak out just yet.

Whenever I say these kinds of things to my female clients, they freak out. They act like I’m saying they should be a slave and hop to every one of his requests.

That is not what I’m saying.

All I’m pointing out is the men (just like women) want to feel good, and if you can help him feel good, he should be doing the same for you. A good man will always return the favour. If he doesn’t, he’s not high-quality and you shouldn’t be wasting your time with him.

How to be a better girlfriend is all about assuming that he is already doing the best he can, and you just want to raise the stakes.

4. Take Care of Your Mental Health

I am not a therapist or psycholgist, but I know that mental health plays a huge role in relationships.

I mean, you’re state of being every single day is surely going to have an impact on your partner.

If you want to be a good girlfriend, you have to be emotionally stable and in a good headspace. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have bad days or go through episodes of being down and depressed – we all go through times like this.

But it does mean that when this is happening, you need to take care of yourself, seek help where you can and communicate with your partner that you’re feeling off.

It’s tempting to keep things to yourself and try to just “power through” but at the end of the day, this will not only impact yourself, but it will also impact your partner and the health of your relationship.

3. Say Thank You

Something that gets lost in long-term relationships is the appreciation of the little things.

Long-term partners do loving things for each other every day, but you can so easily take these things for granted. For example, today my boyfriend cleaned up the coffee table, brought me home my favorite lunch and woke me up so I wouldn’t be late for work.

All of these things are pretty boring and mundane, but they are a real sign that he loves me, even after all these years. I should personally thank him for each of these little things, and make him feel like the best person in the world for doing them.

If you do that for your boyfriend, you will know how to be a better girlfriend for the rest of your life.

2. You Don’t Have to “Talk” About Everything

t took me years to train by brain to ease up and not “express my feelings” every time I had them and as you know now, I still slip up sometimes.

Talking with your partner is great, and should always be encouraged, but it’s also good to work things through in your own head before bringing them up. This is because if your boyfriend constantly feels like he’s being told what to do or like you’ve always got something to say about what he’s doing, it can get a little annoying.

You never want to bottle up emotions and suppress them, but using the power of your own thought to actually change how you feel is a skill that you can learn and you will use every time you feel upset.

Ask yourself “Do I really want to make a big deal out of this?” and try your best to turn that anger into love.

1. Be Playful

The number one thing that my male clients always mentioned is that they wanted a woman who had a good sense of humor and was playful. Men love to joke around and have fun, and they appreciate a woman who can be silly and engaging with them.

Humour is one of the key ways people get attracted to each other in the first place. Teasing and playful banter sparks chemistry and creates a bond. So being playful and light-hearted is a great way to be a better girlfriend.

A Word Of Warning

Now that you know how to be a better girlfriend, you’ll want to make sure he’s a high-quality man who is worth your time.

You can do this by downloading my Free Dating Red Flags checklist here.

Conclusion

Thanks for checking out my post on how to be a better girlfriend! If you’re looking for some more relationship tips, check out these posts:

How To Fight Fair So You Don’t Breakup With Your Soul Mate

How To Apologize To Your Boyfriend

With love from your favourite dating coach,

-Lana

4 thoughts on “How To Be A Better Girlfriend – What Men Really Want From Their Partners”

  1. Well written article. Some tips on being a good girlfriend:
    – Don’t just lean on to your boyfriend whenever you feel low. Be there for your boyfriend too whenever he is going through the same phase.
    – Make your boyfriend feel special by sending him ‘I love you’ texts or just letting him know that you are thinking about him.
    – Men can sometime act like kids. Don’t get angry and yell at him during such times. Express your concerns in a nicer way and he will listen to you.
    – Have trust in your boyfriend whenever he offers help to you. Appreciate him even if he did a bad job. Having trust in each other is a great in building solid relationship.
    – Don’t suppress your opinions and feelings just to please your boyfriend. Always express yourself in such a way that you don’t offend him.
    – Don’t change your personality to keep your man happy. You cant keep up with that act for a long time and when your boyfriend finds out, it will have a bad impact on your relationship.

  2. I think framing yourself as in a bad mood will only make it worse.
    it’s important to express youre overwhelmed sure, but I think it’s really good if you do it in a way that doesn’t focus on the overwhelmed state but states your needs to de-escalate that emotional arousal.
    i.e. if you’re overwhelmed cause you burnt the sausages, you’ll need to say something more like:
    “I’m sorry I burnt the sausages, I’m going to take five and deal with it then”
    ya dig

    1. Hi CJ, thanks for your comment. I think what you’re saying is true and would be equally effective but there’s also nothing wrong with your partner knowing you’re in a bad mood or not feeling great. Humans have positive and negative emotions and the key is to be transparent and honest with our partners so that we can get through the ups and downs together.

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