Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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In dating, your standards are everything.
They determine whether you’re settling down with a bum on the street or a sexy and attractive doctor who loves to travel.
Only you get to decide your make-it or break -it standards but I just want to ensure that the following 5 standards are definitely on your list.
Because if you can believe it, sometimes women include “must be 6 feet” before they think about “must love me for who I am”.
In order to have a successful and happy relationship, you absolutely must find a boyfriend that has every single one of these personality traits.
If he’s missing even just one of these, you can do better.
The good news is, the list is not that long.
Before we get started I want you to know that the following are not included on this “must have” list:
Having the same level of education , sharing common interests or being amazing in bed, or anything to do with height or income.
Those are all good boyfriend qualities but they are just icing on the cake.
The requirements below are the cake. You wouldn’t want icing with no cake would you? That’s just gross.
For the video learners out there, check out my video, everyone else keep scrolling.
#1 – He listens
He should be genuinely interested in what you have to say on a regular basis. Your work stories and the latest gossip amongst your girlfriends is something he should be well-versed in. You should be able to tell him stories about your childhood and he should remember them. He should hear you when you say you don’t like beets or you can’t eat avocados.
Listening shows that not only is he interested in you, but that he cares about you. He should care about what happened at work because it matters to you.
Another part of “he listens” is that he listens to your needs. If you tell him that you need some alone time and you don’t feel like talking right now, he should respect that and give you some space until you’re ready to talk.
He invited you to go camping with his friends but you already promised your girlfriends you’d host a board games night, he should respect that you’d like to skip the camping trip this time.
If you mention that you’d like to go out on more dates, he should make an effort to make this happen and be open to going out or trying new things.
A good boyfriend not only wants you to be happy, he wants to make you feel happy and the best way for him to do this is by listening to what you want.
This also touches on the importance of communication and that you absolutely must learn how to communicate your needs in a loving way.
You’ll notice that I said he “listens” not, “he reads your mind”.
# 2 – He accepts you the way you are
I am seriously anal about the home decoration around the house. If a picture frame is the wrong colour or there are too many things on the mantle, I need to fix it.
I could see how this eccentric aspect of my personality might not be so easy to live with but my boyfriend puts up with it. He accepts that the home decor is important to me so he just lets me be in charge of that. He doesn’t try to change me.
It’s absolutely essential that your boyfriend accepts your weird traits and your flaws.
I enjoy “thinking out loud” (he calls it ranting). It’s an essential part of how I sort through problems and gather my thoughts. My boyfriend is super chill. He can’t handle talking or over-thinking about the same topic for more than 10 minutes but he just lets me rant away until i’m blue in the face.
He lets me get it out of my system without saying stuff like “that’s enough” or “can we talk about something else?”.
This is nice, this feels like love.
If you notice that he constantly criticizes you or that you feel like you can’t be totally like yourself around him – he might not actually like your personality. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t fully accept you?
He should make you feel like you’re the funniest, smartest, best person ever. Not because he’s sucking up or trying to impress you but because your jokes really do make him laugh. The advice you gave him on his work problem really did help him out.
It’s so easy for us to get sucked into the world of “he’s so hot” or “he’s hilarious” that we forget to take a step back and think – is he really into me?
It’s a good thing if he inspires you to be a better person and you can change for the better as much as you like! But if nothing were to change and you were to continue being good ol’ you – this should be perfectly ok.
# 3- You think he’s fun
I made sure to add the “you think” at the beginning of this because it really is about how you feel when you’re around him.
If your friends think he’s too shy or he was too loud or he talked about himself too much, these things don’t really affect your life.
What is important is that makes you feel comfortable, safe and you think he’s really fun.
When you enjoy spending time with someone, there is no tension.
Your day to day lives or your dates are spent enjoying time together rather than “talking about something he did” or “figuring out what the relationship means”. Sure these conversations happen once in a while, but most of the time you should just be laughing, telling stories and getting to know each other.
You should be spending more time just living your relationship rather than discussing it or thinking about it.
If you’ve had more than one or two “we need to talk” sessions in the last couple weeks, that’s too many. You should be having more “that was a funny movie” or “what a great day at the beach” sessions, those are way more fun, trust me!
#4 – You find him attractive enough
The guy I was seeing before I met my boyfriend seemed to check off all the boxes on this list and more. We had a million things in common, similar childhoods, he had a good job,we shared passions, the list went on and on.
I even thought he was super good looking and could totally see myself really clicking with this guy.
Then, we kissed.
I didn’t realize that anyone above the age of 16 could kiss this bad. He opened his mouth super wide and just wrapped his lips on top of mine – it was awful. And my face got wet.
NOOO! I thought to myself, this guy is so perfect, it can’t all be ruined because of a kiss. This guy was good looking and everything but the sexual chemistry was just not there.
I continued seeing him for months because I thought I could get over the lack of chemistry or that maybe I could teach him what I wanted in the bedroom but it just kept getting worse. Every sexual encounter or make out session just felt weird and awkward.
I thought I was being superficial or shallow for not giving this guy more of a chance but after a few months, I decided to break it off. I just couldn’t go through with it anymore.
Sexual chemistry isn’t the most important thing to look for in a potential partner but it is still a requirement. You have to enjoy doing the fun stuff and it should feel fun, safe and comfortable.
Don’t try to force it if it’s not there and remember he doesn’t need to be the most good looking guy you’ve ever seen. You just need to be attracted enough.
#5 – He has the same life goals as you do
This is the one personality trait that will take a little more time to figure out than the others. His life goals and dreams (as well as yours) are not something that are easily brought up within the first few months of dating.
These are discovered and revealed over time.
That is why it’s so easy to fall into the trap of trying to make it work with someone who ended up not sharing your life goals. You could be dating someone for months or even years before you realize what they truly want out of life.
If you are still in your twenties, you’re still figuring yourself out and so is he. He might not be sure if wants kids just yet, only to discover in a year that he’s now sure he doesn’t want kids.
If life takes the two of you in different directions – even though it’s hard – it’s easier to let go and move on than to try to fit the square peg in the round hole for the rest of your lives.
Every once in a while you should be doing a little mental check-in on your relationship to make sure you’re still on the same path.
Have you been thinking about quitting your job and moving outside the city when he’s been working hard to make partner at the law firm? If you are working towards life goals that are inevitably going to clash, you need to talk about this sooner rather than later. You need to look inwards to see if you’re willing to make sacrifices in your own life in order to make it work.
If neither you want to make sacrifices, it’s not going to work long-term.
There are plenty of guys out there who want the same things you want and I know it’s hard but it’s better to be with one of them. The rest of your life will thank you.
If you would like to know a little more about how my philosophy on dating and how I can help you find a man that checks off all your boxes. Click here.