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Do you know your attachment style?
Knowing this can help your dating life and find you a better partner.
Your attachment style is the way you behave in a romantic or other close relationship. Attachment styles are developed while we are children but our experiences as adults also have a huge impact. A boyfriend that treats you in a certain way or a romantic relationship that is very life-changing can impact your attachment style as an adult.
Knowing this just opened up a huge opportunity for you!
As a dating coach, I often have clients reach out to me because they struggle with connecting with others. They blame it on things like common interests but compatibility is more than that. Simply understanding your attachment style is a great first step into changing it and becoming better at dating and relationships.
Here are the different attachment styles and the impact they have on your dating life.
Attachment Styles In Adults
According to psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz, there are four attachment styles for adults. They are as follows.
The golden ticket!
People with secure attachment style do not fear the future and are able to move on from the past.
People with secure attachment styles are not afraid of broken hearts. They are not afraid to risk heartbreak. If they do get their heartbroken, they can grieve, mourn the loss and healthily enter a new relationship.
People with this style also do not fear intimacy or closeness.
They do not pull back when someone shows signs of intimacy or connection in order to protect themselves.
They’re not afraid of depending on others. They understand that loving relationships involve give and take and they are ok with both of those things. They do not worry about abandonment.
Basically they are like little naive teenagers that are amazing at opening up and letting other people into their lives.
WHY YOU’RE SINGLE
This attachment style is the best one to have! If you have this attachment style then your mental health is ready to invite another person into your life.
If you are struggling on the dating scene and you have this style, it’s not because of the way you attach to others. Maybe your dating profile or photos are not good or maybe you are struggling with confidence and small talk skills.
One thing’s for sure though, you are not carrying baggage from other relationships and you do not struggle with opening up and being vulnerable.
The anxious attachment style describes someone who is afraid of abandonment.
This often makes them clingy and needy which ironically makes others pull away and not want to be with them. Anxious people can be jealous, possessive and feel the need for constant reassurance.
They often need validation that the other person still loves them.
Relationships with an anxious person are filled with drama or issues that must be dealt with on a regular basis.
WHY YOU’RE SINGLE
People who have this attachment style are often way too overbearing in new relationships.
If you have this style you are probably texting him too much, falling head over heels too quickly and wanting to move the relationship to the next level too fast.
This is a turn-off for men and it kills chemistry.
This attachment style in adults is very emotionally draining because it involves a whirlwind of emotions.
First, you have the hormones and emotions that come with feeling lust. Then you have the anxiety that comes with whether or not he’s interested in you. Then you have the heartbreak and second-guessing yourself if he starts to pull away.
If you have sex too early, you’re probably feeling even more emotionally attached to someone who hasn’t yet decided if they want to be with you.
This attachment style requires a lot of mental health work and finding a way to release that energy. Talking things out with a friend or dating coach can be very helpful for people with this attachment style
People who have this attachment style are independent and do not want to be tied down by another person. They need space, like to have control and like to be the one to fuel the decision making.
They tend to focus on their personal lives more than creating strong emotional bonds with others. They find it difficult to give in and depend or “need” someone else. They have a hard time trusting.
They also view themselves highly and don’t struggle with self-esteem or confidence issues. They can sometimes be narcissistic.
WHY YOU’RE SINGLE
If you have this attachment style you are single because you are emotionally unavailable.
100 years ago, people got married and settled down for very practical reasons. Women didn’t have financial independence so they needed a man. Men were busy working so they liked to have a woman at home taking care of the house.
Nowadays, people don’t need relationships like this. Instead, they want a friend and person who is there for, emotional support.
If you have this attachment style, you are struggling to find a relationship because you’re not opening up. You maybe have commitment issues, and you are definitely struggling with vulnerability. You can read more about vulnerability in dating here.
People with this attachment style combine the traits of anxious and avoidant. They have high anxiety; they fear rejection or being left alone. Rather than become clingy like the anxious style, they withdraw and pull back as a way to cope.
This kind of attachment style has a lot of highs and lows. They want to get close but then pull back when they feel they might be getting too close that they may get hurt.
This attachment style is often a result of past trauma, emotional abuse or mental health issues like anxiety or depression.
WHY YOU’RE SINGLE
Unless you have severe depression or have faced trauma in your past you probably don’t have this attachment style. If you do have it, this means you have demons in your head that you must learn to cope with.
Past trauma and mental health issues can be difficult to overcome but it is not impossible. For this attachment style, it’s best to work on your own self-care, learn about negative thoughts and seek professional help with a therapist or counselor.
STRIVING TO BE SECURE
As you might be able to tell, the secure attachment style is very healthy. The other styles are not “bad.” They don’t mean you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship, but being more secure is always going to help.
Working on your attachment style to make it healthier will increase the chances that you’ll find a healthy relationship moving forward.
It also increases your search pool of compatible partners because people who are secure are able to lead by example. If you have a secure attachment style, you can potentially help someone through an unhealthy attachment style and help them see that you can be trusted.
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE
So, how can you change your attachment style? Well, you’ve done the first step already!
Simply being aware of the downfalls of your attachment style can help you behave in a healthier way.
Changing your attachment style means that you have to work on your mindset and thought processes. You can do this by look into methods of self-care or by talking to a therapist or dating coach.
If you’d like to see what your attachment style is like and how to change it, check out my free 30-minute coaching sessions by clicking here.