So, how many dates before you have sex with your new guy?
Most dating coaches say that you shouldn’t have sex until you’re exclusive, but is this good advice?
I’m a millennial dating coach, which means I know what it’s like to date in the modern world. This includes the swiping, the ghosting, and the friends with benefits relationships.
So do I think you should be exclusive before you have sex?
Yeah, hell no!
Don’t listen to “relationship gurus”
If you are a woman who is actually looking for a relationship, these three words will help you discern: close thy legs. –Elite Daily
That’s a pretty blunt way to put it. It’s wrong… but blunt.
Renowned relationship expert and dating coach Evan Marc Katz gives us a bit more insight on the above statement by saying:
You want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him. If you don’t – because you’re a liberated woman who can have sex whenever you damn well please – don’t be too surprised if a decent percentage of those men never call again. Again, I’m not remotely judgmental of those who have sex without commitment; I will only point out as a dating coach that it tends to lead to sub-optimal results from men because they didn’t have to do anything special to get into bed with you.
That advice is rock solid. It’s great, but it misses just one thing…
Having sex early with a man who wants a relationship and really likes you is NOT going to turn him off.
If he’s interested in your personality, he’ll keep calling. Regardless of if you had sex.
The advice that Evan and other dating coaches are giving is just their way of filtering the bad guys, but you can filter them out pretty easily without withholding sex.
If he doesn’t call, he’s not interested. Period, end of discussion.
Waiting until you’re exclusive is old school
The fact that it’s old school doesn’t make it bad advice.
At the end of the day, the number of dates you should go on before you sleep with someone will be different for everyone.
I would say that sure, it’s a good rule of thumb to wait until you’re exclusive if you want to play it really safe.
But millennials and younger people don’t really work this way anymore. It’s not advice that is easily integrated into our modern lives.
If you follow this advice, you might find yourself “slipping up” and having sex before you were exclusive. Now what? Are you doomed?
This is where I come in with the practical advice that you can actually use if you find yourself in this situation.
We live in a world of instant gratification and sex is no different.
I think most statistics are against me on this one but I strongly believe it’s because the data hasn’t caught up to modern times. One of the more recent statistics I found on this topic was from a survey taken by Match.com in 2016 that said:
Furthermore, the longer you wait to have sex with a partner, the happier you are; those who wait to the fifth date are 35% more likely to be happy than those who have sex on the first date.
See? If you wait 5 dates you are 35% more likely to be happy. It said nothing about exclusivity.
My fiance and I had sex on our third date. I had sex within the first couple of weeks with both long-term boyfriends that I dated before him. Having sex before exclusivity is the general rule, not the exception for me and for most of the women in my millennial age group.
It’s just the way we do things nowadays!
Having sex before you’re exclusive doesn’t turn away a man who is actually into you.
It’s not what you do before the sex, it’s what you do after that matters
Once you decide to have sex with a guy you’re seeing, the ticking clock begins and he better turn into your boyfriend within the next two months.
If you have been seeing a guy casually for more than two months and he is making no effort to become your boyfriend, run away and run away now.
Ask him where the relationship is going and if he is vague or doesn’t want to commit, leave.
It’s totally possible to fall in love and start getting close to each other while also having sex, but your new guy should be starting to treat you like a girlfriend.
He should text you often, make plans to hang out and he should generally enjoy spending time with you outside of the bedroom.
The sex should feel relationship-y not hookup-y
Does he put on his clothes and head home after or does he enjoy post-sex cuddles and sleeping over?
Did he come over only to watch Netflix for an hour, hook up and then leave or did you spend the whole day together?
If your new guy sees you as a potential girlfriend rather than a booty call, you’ll be able to tell.
If he wants to be your boyfriend he will act like one.
He’ll take you out to dinner, take you to a comedy show or a picnic. He’ll take you on real dates if he’s really interested. If these things aren’t happening, it might be time to move on.
So, how many dates should you go on before you have sex?
- Wait a minimum of 5 dates (ok, I only waited 3 but 5 is a really good general rule)
- Once you start having sex, make sure he’s treating you like a girlfriend, not a booty call
- Do not casually see him for more than two months.
There you have it! That’s how you can navigate seeing a new man, and not waiting until you’re exclusive before you have sex.
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