Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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So, how many dates before you have sex with your new guy?
Most relationship gurus and matchmakers say that you shouldn’t have sex with a new guy until the two of you are in an exclusive relationship.
I proud myself in being a millennial dating coach which means I know what it’s like to date in the modern world with swiping, ghosting and friends with benefits relationships.
So do I think you should be exclusive before you have sex?
Yeah, hell no!
How many dates before you have sex?
Don’t listen to “relationship gurus”
If you are a woman who is actually looking for a relationship, these three words will help you discern: close thy legs. –Elite Daily
That’s a pretty blunt way to put it. It’s wrong, but blunt.
Renowned relationship expert and dating coach Evan Marc Katz gives us a bit more insight on the above statement by saying:
The first thing you can do is understand that men look for sex and find love. We are driven by attraction and have zero trouble separating the physical act of sex from the feelings of love. – Evan Marc Katz
That’s pretty old school advice. Women are fully capable of having no strings attached sex just like men are so that just doesn’t really make sense.
It was once thought that women couldn’t have casual sex because of Oxytocin. This is proving to be and less and less true. See this article on Live Science, questioning whether or not Oxytocin has as much of an affect on this as we once thought.
Waiting until you’re exclusive is old school
The fact that it’s old school doesn’t make it bad advice and the perfect number of how many dates you should go on before you sleep with someone will be different for everyone.
I would say it’s a good rule of thumb to wait until you’re exclusive if you want to play it really safe.
But millennials and younger people don’t really work this way anymore. It’s not advice that is easily integrated into our modern lives.
If you follow this advice, you might find yourself “slipping up” and having sex before you were exclusive. Now what? Are you doomed?
This is where I come in with the practical advice that you can actually use if you find yourself in this situation.
We live in a world of instant gratification and sex is no different.
I think most statistics are against me on this one but I strongly believe it’s because the data hasn’t caught up to the modern times. One of the more recent statistics I found on this topic was from a survey taken by Match.com in 2016 that said:
Furthermore, the longer you wait to have sex with a partner, the happier you are; those who wait to the fifth date are 35% more likely to be happy than those who have sex on the first date.
See? If you wait 5 dates you are 35% more likely to be happy. It said nothing about exclusivity.
My long-term boyfriend and I had sex on our third date. I had sex within the first couple weeks for both boyfriends that I had before him. This is the general rule, not the exception for me and for most of the people I know.
It’s just the way we do things nowadays!
Having sex before you’re exclusive doesn’t turn away a man who is actually into you.
It’s not what you do before the sex, it’s what you do after that matters
Once you decide to have sex with a guy you’re seeing, the ticking clock begins and he better turn into your boyfriend within the next two months.
If you have been seeing a guy casually for more than two months and he is making no effort to become your boyfriend, run away and run away now.
Ask him where the relationship is going and if he is vague or doesn’t want to commit, leave.
It’s totally possible to fall in love and start getting close to each other while also having sex but your new guy should be starting to treat you like a girlfriend. He should text you often, make plans to hang out and he should generally enjoy spending time with you outside the bedroom.
The sex should feel relationship-y not hookup-y
Does he put on his clothes and head home after or does he enjoy post sex cuddles and sleeping over?
Did he come over only to watch Netflix for an hour, hook up and then leave or did you spend the whole day together?
If your new guy sees you as a potential girlfriend rather than a booty call, you’ll be able to tell.
If he wants to be your boyfriend he will act like one.
He’ll take you out to dinner, take you to a comedy show or a picnic. He’ll take you on real dates if he’s really interested. If these things aren’t happening, it might be time to move on.
SO, HOW MANY DATES SHOULD YOU GO ON BEFORE HAVING SEX?
- Wait a minimum of 5 dates (ok, I only waited 3 but 5 is a really good general rule)
- Once you start having sex, make sure he’s treating you like a girlfriend, not a booty call
- Do not casually see him for more than two months.
That’s it! If you would like to know a little more about how my philosophy on dating and how I can help you find a man that checks off all your boxes. Click here.
Until next time!
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