Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
- What “I Need Space” Really Means, And How To Deal With It - February 10, 2020
- How To Let Go Of Someone You Love And Move On With Your Life - January 29, 2020
- How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You – From Dating App To Marriage - January 8, 2020
No matter what you try, you just can’t stop thinking about him. Is it even possible to control your thoughts and get him out of your head? It is, and here’s how to do it.
Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him And How To Stop It
In this Article:
- Determining Why You’re Always Thinking About Him
- How Do I Stop Thinking About Him/Move On?
- What Can I do to Attract Him?
Determining Why You’re Always Thinking About Him
As a dating coach, most of my job is about finding the root cause of a problem. If you can’t stop thinking about a man, we have to determine exactly why that is.
Here are some likely scenarios for why you can’t stop thinking about him:
1. He’s An Ex and You’re Still In Love
If the man you can’t stop thinking about is an ex-boyfriend, you’re either still in love with him or just sad about the breakup.
To determine which one of these you are, you’ll have to dive deep into your true feelings.
Here’s a breakdown of what you’ll do if you’re in either of these situations.
Sad About The Breakup:
- You feel lonely, but if your ex were to knock on the door, you wouldn’t want him to come in.
- You wish your ex could have been “different”
- You would be very embarrassed to tell your friends and family that you and your ex are back together.
- You’re tempted to make contact with your ex, but you never do.
- You miss cuddles on the couch and the sex but you don’t miss talking to him.
- You know the breakup was a good decision.
Still In Love:
- You don’t feel like you will find another man like your ex
- You consider yourself “best friends” with your ex
- You blame your entire breakup on one major event, such as cheating, abuse or moving away. If that event hadn’t happened, everything would have worked out.
- You want to stay friends with him or keep in contact
2. He Has Emotionally Hurt You
If you can’t stop thinking about your ex, it may also because you are carrying some personal trauma or scars leftover from the relationship.
This is particularly true if your relationship had some sort of abuse, whether it be sexual, physical or emotional.
In order to determine whether or not you are experiencing some kind of PTSD from your relationship, you’ll have to deeply consider the following questions:
- Do I feel like I’m a worse person after being in my past relationship?
- Do I blame myself for things that were done to me?
- Has my past relationship changed my outlook on all men?
- Have I lost belief in the existence of love?
If you answered yes to two or more of those questions, you have emotional scars left over from your past relationship.
Even though going through a breakup will hurt, it shouldn’t have a long-lasting effect on your self-esteem or your opinion on men. It should be temporary pain that gets better with time.
If you need help knowing what emotional abuse is you can check out my post here:
3. You Are In The Honeymoon Phase
Another reason why you can’t stop thinking about him could be that you are in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. If you have just started seeing him and you’re getting along really well, your hormones are going to be going through the roof!
Psychology Today highlighted an excellent study that said the euphoria of a new love is similar to the effects of crack cocaine:
“Very real chemical changes occur when we perceive that we are falling in love. Massive amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine are released in the brain. The same brain pathways light up when we are falling in love as when we smoke crack cocaine. This effect is well-established in research.“
So if you have just started seeing someone and he’s awesome, it’s no wonder you can’t stop thinking about it!
There’s nothing to worry about in this case.
Scroll down to the next sections to see how you can deal with this without being clingy.
4. You Have A Crush On Him But Are Not Dating
The final reason why you can’t stop thinking about him is that you have a huge crush.
You might have eyes on your co-worker or a friend.
If this is the case, then you won’t be able to stop thinking about him because your brain is going into hyperdrive for one of two reasons:
He’s married or off-limits, making him much more attractive. People want what they can’t have.
Or he’s available but you have no idea how to make a move or show him you’re interested.
Whichever reason it is, this topic is much for “fun” for your brain to be thinking about instead of regular more mundane things like work or paying the bills.
PS. If you need help on starting to date after a bad breakup, check out this post.
How To Stop Thinking About Him And Move On
If you have determined that the reason you’re obsessively thinking about a man is not healthy and you want to move on, here’s how you can do it.
Understand Obsessive Thinking
The first step is to understand obsessive thinking, also known as Rumination.
Rumination is the official term for overthinking. It is when you think about the same thing over and over again without coming to a conclusion.
These thoughts are unproductive. They are unproductive because they don’t move you forward, they simply have you going in circles.
Here is a quick example of unproductive thoughts vs. productive thoughts.
“He’s so cute and perfect, but he has a girlfriend. I will try to find a man like him when I’m dating.”
“My ex was always talking about how ugly I am. I need to find healthy ways to boost my self-esteem and make myself feel good about my appearance.”
“He’s so cute and perfect, I’ll never be able to land a man like him. A man like him would never want to talk to me.”
“My ex said I looked ugly in this dress, I do look ugly, I’ll never find someone to love me. I’m going to be single forever.”
Productive thoughts help you move forward and come up with solutions. They are never about “what if” or hypothetical situations. Productive thoughts are always about what you can do now and how you feel now.
It’s important to always fill your head with productive thoughts.
Automatic Vs. Controlled Thoughts
Now that you know the difference between productive and unproductive thoughts, you might be thinking: “But it’s not easy to think productively”.
You are right, it’s not easy but it helps to understand why it’s not easy.
If there is a man that you can’t stop thinking about, he is probably popping into your head automatically. You don’t control when he enters your head, he just does.
Those thoughts are automatic so you don’t have control over them. Don’t beat yourself up about them and don’t try to push them away.
Instead, you want to focus on the thoughts that you do control.
This is how you slowly start changing your overall thought process.
Controlling Your Controllable Thoughts:
When he pops into your head, use controllable thoughts to remind yourself of the reality of the situation and ground yourself back to the present. Here are some examples:
Automatic thought: “I miss cuddling on the couch with him.”
Controllable thought: “I deserve a person who wants to be with me and treats me right.”
Automatic thought: “He is so cute and amazing, I love him so much”.
Controllable thought: “He is married and has a wife who loves him. Him being so great reminds me that there must be other men with those awesome qualities”
As much as you can help your thoughts change their ways by making them more productive, nothing is as effective as finding closure and forgiveness.
As much as we might try to cover up or “logic” our way out of emotions, true closure is something that is hard at first, but more effective in the long-run.
This might mean grabbing coffee with your ex or seeking help with a therapist or simply writing a “forgiveness letter” to your ex and throwing it in the fireplace.
Make it a priority to close this chapter in your life so you can move onto the bigger and better next chapter.
Remove The Hype
If you can’t stop thinking about a man you might be hyping him up too much.
If he’s a crush, you might be thinking he’s “perfect” but you really don’t know what he’s like behind closed doors. If this crush is unhealthy, remind yourself that he is human with human flaws.
If he’s an ex, you might be only thinking of the good times. There’s a reason the relationship ended and that reason cannot be ignored. It’s a very important part of how “amazing” he might have once been.
It’s also important to note that people change. Sometimes we fall in love with someone who checks off all the boxes but years later, they are not that same person that we fell in love with.
If this is the case, there is no healthy way to hold onto a person that is in the past.
Remember, being productive means to move things forward.
Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind
One of the key ways to stop thinking about someone is to take them off your radar.
This means unfollowing his social media, changing jobs, quitting the volleyball team and most importantly, deleting his number of your phone.
No more texting, calling or talking to him.
See, your brain loves to think about things that are front and center in your life. If you push him all the way to the back row, it will be harder for your brain to bring him back to the spotlight.
How To Attract A Man You Can’t Stop Thinking About
If the man you can’t stop thinking about is someone that could be a potential partner, this is great! Whether he’s a friend or a co-worker, it is possible to attract him.
Here’s how to do it.
1. Prep Your Mindset
If you have a major crush on a man and you want to attract him, one thing you must be prepared for is the possibility of rejection.
Imagine you’re a hunter and are walking through the deep woods. Suddenly, you hear a rustle in the bushes.
You look over your shoulder and around you in all directions but you don’t see anything.
In this situation, it would be extremely helpful to know if the noise you heard was made by a squirrel or a bear, but since you don’t know what it was for sure, you need to prepare yourself for if it was a bear. You need to be ready for the worst-case scenario.
Prepare Yourself for Rejection
Rejection is kind of like the bear. You want to imagine yourself getting rejected, not so that you can fear the rejection, but so you can prepare to face it if you have to.
Getting rejected – what’s so bad about that?
If he tells you he’s not interested or stops hanging out with you, just move onto someone else. At least you’ll know how he felt and can move onto someone who will appreciate your attention.
Remember you are a high-quality woman and expect to attract a high-quality man. If he doesn’t want to be with you then he’s not worth your time. You want someone that is going to be head over heels for you.
Once you realize this, you’re ready to go in.
If you need help on how to be confident in dating, check out this post.
2. Learn To Small Talk
The best way to start flirting and connecting with a man is start a conversation.
Most people are afraid to start conversations because they’re afraid of being judged or saying the wrong thing.
But because it’s such a scary thing to do, most people actually admire those who can start conversations and be the one to make the “first move”. When someone does something that everyone else is afraid to do, they gain respect and this is what you’ll be doing.
The thing you have to remember about small talk is that it has very little to do with the topic at hand. Instead, it’s about creating and environment.
When you small talk with someone, you demonstrate to them that you are friendly, fun and non-judgemental. So when you talk about the weather or what you did on the weekend, you’re giving that person a little glimpse into your personality and your life.
Starting A Conversation With A Man You Like
Here are some ways you can break the ice and start a conversation with your crush:
Ask him for advice. If you know that your man is interested in a sport or really good with movies, ask him for his recommendations on something or where he goes to do his hobby. He’ll love helping you out with something he is passionate about.
Ask about the environment. If your man is someone you know from work or the gym, you can ask him about the environment you share together. Things like:
“Hey, do you know when the company Christmas party is?”
“Hey, have you been coming to this gym for a while? Do you know if they have a discount to bring a friend?”
Compliment him. Another great way to start a conversation is to say something nice. Most men are in very competitive environments with their friends and at work so they don’t often hear an unsolicited compliment. This can be anything from complimenting his shoes, his hair cut or promotion.
3. Be Flirty and Fun
Once you have your man talking, you’ll want to be sure to continue the conversation in a fun and flirtatious way.
Ask Him Questions. An easy way to keep the conversation going is to ask him follow-up questions. If you asked him for advice on what new movie is good to see, ask him what else he likes to do on the weekend. If you asked him about a gym discount, ask him how often he likes to work out.
It doesn’t have to be the most earth-shattering question, you’re just making friendly conversation and if he’s interested (and attracted to you) he will happily go along with it.
Make Eye Contact. Another thing you can do to make him feel like this is more than just a “friendly” conversation is to make eye contact. Body language says much more than words so turning your shoulders to face him and using a lot of eye contact is sure to get his attention.
Stay light-hearted and friendly. One thing you always have to remember when trying to get a man’s attention is to always stay positive. Complaints or negative comments about other people are not a way to show him that you’re a fun and carefree person to hang out with.
Dating is very primal and men focus on two things when they’re looking for a woman: physical attractiveness and how fun it is to be around her. As a dating coach for women, I have seen a lot of women intimidate men by being too serious or realistic, remember to be fun.
If you need more help on how to flirt, check out this post.
4. Make A (Subtle) Move
This last step doesn’t mean that you should straight up ask him for a date. As a dating coach, I want you to be with a man who is high-quality, and high-quality men know when to take the lead.
If he is interested in you and wants to take things further, he will ask you out.
That being said, there’s nothing wrong with you hinting to him that you’d like to go out.
You can hint by saying things like:
“Yeah, that coffee shop sounds really great, it would be nice to check it out sometime.”
“I love that band! I’d totally go to their concert.”
“That sounds like a really fun activity, I’d love to learn how to snowboard one day.”
Little hints like that plant the seed that maybe you’d be interested in doing those things with him.
A Word of Warning
Now that you know all about what to do if you can’t stop thinking about him, it’s important to know if he’s really worth your time.
If you’re seeing someone new or out there dating, check out my dating red flags checklist to make sure you’re not thinking about a loser who won’t be a good long-term partner.
With love from your favourite dating coach,