#1 – Make sure you’re taking care of yourself
This is a number one rule that I make very clear in my dating mistakes e-course and it’s the first thing I ask questions about when coaching any clients. It is one of the most important dating tips for single moms.
Your kids are the centre of your universe.
They have school functions, they need lunches made, they need more dipaers, they need new shoes. I know that it’s a lot of work to support your family however…
YOU COME FIRST.
You really do. If you start letting go of your mental health, or feeling anxious or stress, it will be harder for you to be the best parent you can be.
Do things that make you happy and that are solely for your own enjoyment. I suggest starting with an easy and quick self care morning routine so that you start your day with stress relievers and positive energy. Then do other things throughout the day/week that make you happy. Things that put energy back into you, since everything else always seems to suck energy and take it out.
Doing this before you start dating is going to make you a better catch. It’s going to make you happier and more positive and fun to be around. This is going to make your new partner feel all those things as well.
Happiness is contagious.
Men want to feel good when they take you on a date, they don’t want to hear about all the stress in your life. Don’t get me wrong, when you’ve been dating for a long time and you’re officially a couple – it’s defintely ok talk things out with your partner. I’m just talking about when you first start to date, things should be light and fun and it’s a lot easier to do this when you’re in the right mental state.
#2 – Realize you have a dating disadvantage
The stereotype that men don’t want to date single moms is not based on the fact that single moms have kids. It’s because single moms are so busy, stressed, over-worked and put their kids first for everything that it’s hard for the man to see where he fits in. I know you’re strong and independent and but don’t let this keep you from finding an amazing guy.
The sooner you realize why being a single mom is a disadvantage on the dating scene, the sooner you can fix and overcome those things so you can land a great guy.
Your new guy is going to know you have kids either on the first date or before you even meet. This means that if you manage to score a second date with him – he DOESN’T CARE that you have children.
So then why is being a single mom a dating disadvantage?
Because you’re letting it be.
When a couple starts dating and neither of them have kids, the woman is constantly giving the man all her attention. She makes him dinners, spends weekends with him, they go on trips together etc. So when this couple eventually decides to have kids together – the woman doesn’t really need to prove to her man that she loves him and needs him.
She can say “honey we have to cancel our date because Timmy says he doesn’t want to go to the babysitters house” because she already went on dinner dates for years before they ever had kids.
This is different when you’re dating after you have a kid. You haven’t spent years telling him he’s important so you need to do that now. You need to show him that he is valued and having a romantic relationship is important to you.
Otherwise he’s just going to start questioning why you’re even seeing him. Is it because you want financial support? Are you just lonely and trying to fill a hole? Or do you really like him and really want him to be part of your life? The only way for him to know the answer to this is not by what you tell him or what you’re thinking, it’s by what you do.
Everyone knows that the bond between a mother and child is stronger than the bond between a woman and a guy she’s been seeing for 2 months. He doesn’t need to hear “my kids are more important to me than anything” – he knows that.
He just wants to know that he’s important too.
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#3 – Tell Him You Have Kids Immediately
I mentioned this above but I want to reiterate it because it’s really essential for successful dating as a single mom. He absolutely must know that you have kids by the end of your first date. This helps you weed out the guys who are not interested in seeing a single mom.
In the dating world, we all have our deal breakers and you having kids is going to be a deal breaker for some guys. It has nothing to do with you or your kids, it has to do with him.
You don’t want to date a guy like that anyway, because you want your kids to like this guy. You want him to like them so that everyone can get along well with each other.
That being said, I don’t believe in offloading all your “baggage” on a new partner right away. If you’re sitting across from someone on a first date and you start saying all the things that are “wrong” with you: you have anxiety, you’re not good at communicating, you have a short temper etc. any smart guy is going to run for the hills.
Our flaws are revealed to our partners slowly and over time.
Flaws are revealed slowly just as a bond develops slowly. Eventually, he will be aware of all your flaws (and vice versa) but they won’t matter as much because you’ve developed a bond.
This also goes for things that have to do with your kids. All he needs to know right now is that you have them.
He doesn’t need to know that you’re oldest has a learning disabilty. He doesn’t need to know that your youngest still sleeps in the bed with you. Too much information all at once can be really overwhelming. These sensitive things will be revealed over time. By the time he figures them out – he’ll be too in love with you to care.
#4 – He Will Hate Your Ex
Your ex is the father of your children and will be part of your life forever. Your new guy knows this but you know what?
It’s still weird for him.
One of the most basic rules of dating is that you don’t talk about your ex. The reason this is such good advice is because most people don’t really want to hear about it.
It’s different in the case of a single mom. Of course you have to talk about your ex and see him every now and then.
But do your best to protect your new guy’s feelings.
My friend (who is a guy) started dating a single mom. She was constantly telling my friend how he has to “make an effort” to get a long with her ex. She would basically force them to talk to each other and “get along” and this really bothered by friend and was a major turn off.
If he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about or meeting your ex yet, don’t force him. Don’t add pressure to the relationship where their doesn’t need to be any.
Once you guys have been dating for a while, he’ll be a lot more confident in the bond you have. He will then be less threatened by an ex and more willing to meet him.
Another thing that can be forgotten is that your ex is not a great guy in the mind of your new guy. Chances are you have told your new guy all your ex’s flaws and crazy behavior and your new guy loves you. He hates anyone that might have hurt you in the past so the chances of him being best friends with your ex is slim to none.
#5 – Your kids want you to be happy
I was suprised to see that many of the dating tips for single moms that are out there didn’t include this one. It’s true that kids love both their parents and if one parent is out of the picture, it can be hard to see their mom with a new guy.
But kids are resilant. They adjust to things quickly, especially if it’s making their lives better. If they see this new guy bringing you happiness and joy, they will like that because they can see your happiness. When you are happy, you carry that positive energy to them as well and it will make them feel good.
If they see that this relationship is NOT bringing you happiness – they will take this really hard. If you find yourself fighting with your new guy or arguing with your guy, your kids will pick up on this immediately.
They want you to be happy. So if this guy because a source of any kind of pain, it’s going to hurt them alot. Just be aware of this. Adults argue and fight sometimes, that’s ok but your kids don’t need to see it. They can be kept in the dark about things that they don’t quite understand just yet.
#6 – Kids react better to change when it happens slowly
Kids are ok with change. They have to be because adults run their lives. When my parents switched me out of a school and put me in another, I had to make it work. I had no choice.
The problems happen when there are too many changes all at once. Is their dad not in the picture because you’re getting divorced? This means your kids are going through a really big change in their lives. It’s going to be hard on them.
Does the divorce mean they have to move? Does it mean they’re not getting picked up from school by dad anymore? Whatever the changes are, if there are too many, they will get overwhelmed. It’s best to keep the changes as minimal as possible.
This is all just a case for making sure you’re seeing new guys at the right time.
Make sure your kids have completely adjusted to a new normal before you start adding a new person into their lives. It’s really important for you to be ready before you start seeing new people. It’s also really important for your kids to be ready before you make them meet a new person.
My mom definitely started dating too soon after my dad was gone. It was hard on us kids and we didn’t like the guys she was introducing us to. It wasn’t until 2 years later or so that we were ready to accept a new guy in her life and we ended up really liking that guy a lot. Maybe those other guys were nice, great guys but we were not ready to like them.
If you feel you are ready just make sure your kids are ready before you introduce them to a new guy. Don’t introduce them to any guys and don’t tell them what you’re doing just yet. They won’t really question why they had to spend the night at Grandma’s. You don’t need to tell them everything you’re doing if it’s going to hurt them.
#7 – No Sleepovers For A While
Your kids are the centre of your uinverse right? You put them first for everything right? Then consider them before you start having the new guy spend the night in their home.
I know it’s going to make your relationship feel a bit “high school” but it’s a necessary step in creating an environment that sets your relationship up for success. Kids are ok with change if it happens slowly. If you and your new man have been together for a year and your kids are used to seeing him around and playing with him – they will be a lot more accepting of your new “sleepover” friend.
Doing things properly is the difference between failure and success.
The right timing matters. Learning the right way to communicate matters.
Following my dating tips for single moms will help you thrive in this crazy game we called “dating”.
I decided to create my FREE Dating Mistakes E-Course in order to help single women up their dating game. It isn’t that I think people are “bad at dating” it’s that I think people make mistakes without even knowing it. Then they wonder why things aren’t working out or why the guy they were seeing turned out to be a loser. The best way to get what you want in life is to learn how to get it.
If you’re out there trying to navigate through the dating game try checking out my Free Dating Mistakes E-Course. I guarantee you’ll learn something and if you don’t – it’s FREE! Click here to learn more.
Thanks for checking out my blog post today guys. I’d love to hear from you so feel free to leave comments or questions below!
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