Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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The qualities that make a good passionate lover aren’t always going to make a good husband. Find out what it takes to go the distance.
You have no trouble finding men, they’re everywhere!
They’re hitting on you at the bar, at the gym or messaging you on Bumble.
The problem is that you want to find a good man, someone who is going to make a good husband one day.
But, what exactly makes a good husband?
The answer has three parts: chemistry, compatibility, and temperament.
Let’s go into those in detail.
Qualities of A Good Husband
1. He’s Sexy and Attractive
Chemistry is important, don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
It’s not that he has to be traditionally attractive. He doesn’t need to look like George Clooney.
But you need to think he’s attractive and sexy. You must look at him in a way that makes you want to jump his bones.
In order to have a successful romantic relationship, you must have the romantic attraction that sparks those feelings of love, intimacy and passion.
Does that passion fade away over time?
But chemistry is more than just physical appearance or passionate sex.
It’s about looking at that person in a way that makes you admire them and want to be close to them.
So even though looks may fade, the chemistry should never completely disappear.
Otherwise, you end up with a roommate and nobody wants that in a marriage.
Don’t sacrifice chemistry for compatibility
Before we move onto the next point, I want to make it clear that you can have both chemistry and compatibility in a relationship and you don’t need to make sacrifices or settle.
Famous relationship writer Lori Gottlieb wrote a famous book called “Marry Him The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough” and although she makes good points throughout the book, a lot of it is garbage.
I agree with Lori in that you shouldn’t focus on small details like height and alternatively, you should focus on things that are more important in life.
But if him being more than 6 feet tall is THAT important to you, then who am I to change your mind?
Do I recommend it? No. But if you are convinced this will make you happy – you go girl!
The thing that gets scary with advice like Lori’s is that it makes you feel bad for wanting something.
You are a smart, strong, successful woman.
If you want a husband and biological children bad enough, you don’t need me to tell you to date an awesome man who is 5’11. You will do that naturally when you meet him.
If everything else feels right and the two of you have the same life goals, you will not care that he is 5’11.
You will make sacrifices and compromise when it feels right.
So don’t settle for anything less than what you truly want. Keep an open mind, yes, but listen to your gut.
2. He’s good at communicating about sex
This one is important because you will be having sex with the same person for a very long time.
It’s true that chemistry in a relationship will fade over time, and so will the passionate sex. But good communication in the bedroom is the one thing that can save the flame from going completely out.
If your man is willing to listen to you and make sure that you’re feeling satisfied, he’s a keeper that will make a great husband.
3. Similar Life Goals and Values
This is what separates the passionate lovers from the ones who go the distance year after year.
You can’t live your life with someone, every single day if you don’t share the same life goals.
One person can’t live in the city while the other lives in the country.
You can’t have half a child.
There are key areas in life where things are not negotiable and these have to line up in order for you to make it work with someone long-term.
Whatever you do, when trying to find out if someone is compatible with you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking this means common interests.
Common interests have NOTHING TO DO with compatibility.
I will repeat: common interests have NOTHING TO DO with compatibility.
Compatibility is about respect, first and foremost. If you like running, and I don’t, we can be perfectly happy together — as long as you don’t judge me for not running and I don’t try to stop you from run
If you need help figuring out what it takes to be truly happy together, check out this blog post: 5 Dating Standards That Actually Matter.
4. Admits Mistakes and Can Apologize
Some people are so stubborn.
As a dating coach for women, I often hear stories of past relationships where someone just doesn’t admit that they are wrong.
There are men out there who will be in a relationship for years and years and not once have ever said sorry.
If your man knows when he is wrong and is not afraid to admit it, that is what makes a good husband.
Because no one is right 100% of the time.
5. Provider Mentality
A good husband is a provider.
This doesn’t mean he needs to make more money than you.
It simply means that he is willing to share what he makes.
I’ll give you an example.
A client of mine had an ex-boyfriend who made roughly the same amount of money she did. He was frugal, which can be a good thing, but he never, not once, paid for a date unless it was her birthday or anniversary.
He always split everything
Split the grocery bill, the dates, the rent.
There’s nothing wrong with splitting things 50/50 but this kind of attitude just shows that he is thinking “my money is mine, and your money is yours.”
A good husband understands the “we” mentality. He wants to give you things because he knows that is what it takes to feed a relationship.
He gives you his money, his time, and his attention and his acts of service.
A good husband will want to provide for you and give you everything he has.
Just remember that this should be a two-way street 😉
6. Has Passion
Ok, this one might be a little controversial, but I think that it’s good to find a man that has a passion for something.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be his job, but he must find satisfaction in life in one way or another.
If he’s passionate about being a great dad, that’s awesome.
Or if he’s passionate about his woodworking hobby or the garden. Those are great too.
If he doesn’t seem to get joy out of… anything… that’s a red flag.
It’s either that he’s facing some mental health issues or he is not living the life he wants to live.
A man who was born to travel but is stuck at a desk job is not going to make a good husband. He’s going to be miserable.
Life is kind of boring year after year and your man must be able to find happiness in his everyday life.
Ideally, he has this figured out before the two of you have tied the knot.
7. Relationship Mindset
Temperament is defined as follows: “a person’s or animal’s nature, especially as it permanently affects their behavior.”
Think of all the people you know in your life, as well as yourself.
Some people are loud talkers.
Some people are shy and reserved.
Others are adventurous and like extreme sports.
Others enjoy chess or board games.
Everyone has a natural state that they gravitate towards.
A good husband will have a temperament that will naturally make him easier to be in a relationship with.
This means he naturally has the ability to make it work with another human being.
He doesn’t get angry too easily.
He expresses his feelings.
Knows how to compromise.
Accepts you for who you are.
As Dating Expert Hayley Quinn puts it:
Aretha Franklin would say R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Let’s start with the obvious, you are two people therefore you’re not going to agree on everything. I think it’s pretty alright to have differences of opinion or how you like things done, the important thing being that your guy accepts your position on something and doesn’t try to change your mind about it.
A relationship-minded man is able to respect you, your differences and the relationship as a whole.
If he has these traits naturally, you won’t have to spend years in counseling trying to make him a better person.
He’ll just be there already!
This is what makes a good husband year after year.
A good husband is going to be an empathetic one. Someone that can see the situation through your eyes.
Even the best of us can be stubborn at times, that’s human – but ALL the time? That’s divorce.
If a man can never seem to understand where you’re coming from, it could be that he is just too stubborn or selfish to understand what it means to share his life with someone else.
What makes a good husband for the long haul, is someone who understands that you have an opinion too. Just because that opinion is different, doesn’t make it wrong.
A man who can see that is going to be easier to talk to, fight with and compromise with.
Whenever he does something for you, it’s because he cares about how you feel. It’s not just that he’s listening to you for the sake of making you stop complaining.
He truly cares about your feelings and wants to make you happy.
9. Emotionally Intelligent
Emotional Intelligence is a recently discovered term to describe someone who is good at managing their emotions and the emotions of others.
If your boyfriend is emotionally intelligent, he is going to make a good husband.
So what is it exactly?
It’s reading a person’s feelings and helping them through those feelings. It’s also adjusting your own feelings
Reading emotions and helping others manage them
Let’s say you come home from work and you throw your bag down on the ground and close the door a little rougher than you normally would.
Your boyfriend asks you, are you ok?
And you say “Yeah, I’m fine”.
Emotional intelligence is realizing that you are not ok, despite you saying you are. That’s step one.
If your man is emotionally intelligent, he won’t try to force you to talk to him. He will understand that you clearly lied because you do not feel like talking about that right now.
So instead of forcing it out of you, he might say. Would you like me to make you some tea? This is step two – the managing emotions part.
This is the part where he tries to help you through this and get to a better emotional state.
If he were not emotionally intelligent, he might say “what’s wrong?” over and over again and force you to try to explain to him what’s wrong when you’re not ready yet.
That’s not a healthy way to manage someone else’s emotions.
Managing your own emotions
The other part of emotional intelligence is managing your own emotions.
Let’s say you come home angry like you did in the last example.
If your boyfriend was emotionally unintelligent, your anger might trigger anger in him.
He might say “Oh great, what is it now?” and start to give you anger simply because you showed it first.
This means he is not good at managing his own emotions.
An emotionally intelligent person can soothe themselves and stop themselves from lashing out or saying things they don’t mean.
If your man can do this, hold on to him like glue!
10. Emotionally Stable
They will find love, but they need to work on themselves first.
I’m not trying to say that people who suffer from mental health issues are not going to be good husbands.
But it will make things more difficult.
If you are with someone who has a chronic mental health problem such as depression, severe anxiety or other mental illness, they cannot be a good husband without treatment.
Let me clarify.
If someone has chronic depression, it is going to be difficult for that person to see their life in a healthy way.
They absolutely must get treatment to get them to a place where they will be more emotionally stable.
If they have received that treatment and now just need to go to therapy every week or take certain medications, that is totally fine! They can make a good husband in that case.
The issue lies in untreated mental illness or emotional instability.
I dated a man for many years who was clinically depressed and the issue was not the depression. It was his lack of willingness to get help or treatment that was the problem.
Emotional stability is a key component to what makes a good husband.
A Word Of Warning
Well, now that you know what makes a good husband, you might be interested in knowing what makes an awful one! If so, you can check out my Free Dating Red Flags checklist to make sure you don’t get stuck with a loser.
Thanks for checking out my post!
With love from your favourite dating coach,