Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
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If you’re noticing some signs of jealousy in a man you’re seeing, you might be wondering if this is a dealbreaker.
While a little jealousy may be cute, a real jealous man can turn into an abusive and controlling partner.
Find out the signs of jealousy in a man and whether or not it is acceptable.
Signs of Jealousy To Look Out For In Your New Man
First, let’s start by highlighting signs of jealousy in a man and then we will go into interpreting how serious they are.
1. Looking At Your Phone
He’s always checking your phone and trying to see who you’re texting.
2. Asking Too Many Details When You Go Out
If you say you’re going out, he always wants to know who it’s with, where, when you’re coming home etc.
Asking when you’ll be back is one thing, interrogating you like he’s a controlling dad is jealous and creepy.
3. Asking If He Can Come
He’s never ok with you going out with friends or other people by yourself.
He always wants to join.
4. PDA To Show Dominance
- He purposely puts his arm around you if you’re talking to another guy.
- He always makes sure to have his hand around your back when you’re in public. Like always.
4. Tells People He’s Your Boyfriend At Inappropriate Times
It’s ok to say, “this is my girlfriend Sally” when introducing you to his friends.
But walking up to you when you’re talking to another man and saying “Hi, this is my girlfriend” shows he’s trying to prove something.
5. Doesn’t Allow You To Hang Out With Guy Friends
If you’ve been friends with a guy for years, maybe even before you knew him and he doesn’t want you to go to the movies together?
That’s a huge sign of a jealous man.
6. His Feelings Get Hurt Really Easily
- You decided to go with your friends to the club instead of dinner with him and he acts like you cheated on him.
- You’re always “hurting him” by doing your own thing or seeing other people.
6. He Tries To Make You Jealous
Him going out with the guys is one thing, him purposely trying to get a reaction out of you because of it, is jealousy.
He tells you that he’s going out with the guys and asks if you care, or how you feel about that.
If you say you’re fine with it, he might up the ante by saying he’s sleeping over at his friend’s or he’s going to a strip club.
If he’s trying to get a rise out of you, that’s a sign that he’s the jealous one and is trying to make you feel the way he does every day.
7. He Asks About Your Past Sex Life Or Past Relationships With Current Male Partners
- He wants to know how many men you’ve slept with, if you’ve had a FWB relationship, etc.
- If you have a male friend, and he asks if you’ve ever slept together or had a thing, he’s being jealous.
- He wants to make sure there’s no history between the two of you so he can feel safer. This is a huge sign of insecurity.
8. He Acts Clingy
If you’re out with the girls, he’s always texting and “checking in”. He wants you to call him and if you don’t he gets mad.
He wants to spend a lot of time with you and doesn’t let you do your own thing.
9. He Shows Up Uninvited
Little surprises like showing up to your place, or coincidently appearing at the same bar you were going to.
10. Your Friends Tell You He’s Jealous
This is the most obvious sign that should not be ignored.
If other people are telling you that he’s acting jealous, they can probably see this a lot easier than you can.
Bonus: He Has A Big Ego
Men who are jealous usually have a big ego. They feel as though they own you and you are part of the vision they have for their life, like an accessory or fancy car.
If you go out talking to other men or dancing at the club, he thinks this is directly making him look bad.
Is His Jealousy Cute or Unhealthy?
Sometimes a man acting jealous of you going out to the club or heading to Vegas for the weekend is just a cute sign that he loves you.
Other times it’s a sign of an abusive partner.
Here is how to determine where you draw the line.
When Jealousy Is A Dealbreaker?
The Number of Jealous Signs He Shows
I gave you a list of 10 signs of a jealous man. If he does one or two of those things, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s only time to worry when he starts showing many or all of those signs.
Frequency of Jealousy Signs
The other thing to pay attention to is the number of times he shows these signs.
Did he get a little jealous when you went out to the bar with your friends but has never mentioned anything since?
This is much different than if he’s asking you too many questions every single time you go out.
Or if he throws a fit every time you have to work late at the office with your boss.
One time is ok, every time is not ok.
Acting in A Controlling Way
It’s one thing if he feels jealous and mentions it to you, it’s another thing if he starts “laying down the law”. This includes:
- Forbidding you from seeing certain people
- Controlling what time you come home
- Making rules that you have to “check-in” or call him at certain times
- Getting mad or angry if you don’t listen
- Not allowing a compromise or agreement that suits both of you to be made
He’s Worried About His Reputation
If he mentions that you going out is going to “make him look bad” or have an impact on “what people will think” this is a very big red flag.
You going out and doing your own thing has nothing to do with him, and if he thinks it does, he likely associates you and his relationships with his personal reputation.
This can also bring out feelings of competitiveness and is a very common sign that he might also be a narcissist. Psychology Today explains why these traits happen even when the person is supposed to love you.
“Specifically, people who are in close proximity to severe narcissists often can’t understand why the narcissist in their life can: be so mean; get so jealous of their success or happiness; and be so competitive with them, even when we’re talking about two romantic partners.“
A jealous man may be a narcissist and this is definitely a jealousy sign that is a dealbreaker.
He’s Acting Jealous And Trying To Hide It
Unlike other dating coaches or advice columnists, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if he’s trying to hide it, it’s a good sign.
People get jealous sometimes, that is just a normal human emotion.
If he’s trying to hide it, it means he knows it’s not healthy or attractive to be jealous and doesn’t want to show you that side of him. This is a good thing.
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and although insecurity is not an attractive quality, it doesn’t make him a bad person.
Everyone suffers from some self-esteem issues once in a while.
In other words, jealousy is only a major problem if he’s acting on it, not so much if he’s just thinking it.
Take His Past Into Account
If you know he has been cheated on in the past, this is a good reason to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is afraid that it’s going to happen again, it’s human to protect yourself.
If this is the case, help him see that you are trustworthy but giving him your phone and answering his questions.
Tell him that as long as he doesn’t enforce any rules that you don’t agree with, you’re happy to keep him posted on what’s going on and where you are.
The more you do this, the more he will likely loosen up and trust you.
Why Is Jealousy Considered Abusive?
It’s important to understand that jealousy is destructive.
Sings of jealousy in a man are at the same time, signs of an emotionally abusive man.
I mentioned earlier that anyone can feel a little jealous, and this is true but not everyone shows it.
If your man is clearly showing signs of jealousy, there is a lot of darkness in his soul.
Carrie from One Love puts it very clearly:
“Jealousy doesn’t become a problem until it’s acted on. People that are prone to intense jealousy or possessiveness often harbor feelings of inadequacy or inferiority and have a tendency to compare themselves to others. Jealousy, at its core, is a byproduct of fear, fear of not being good enough, fear of loss.
People who are afraid of losing their partner are not emotionally stable.
It’s much like fearing death.
Yes, death is a scary thing and we all naturally fear it, but we’re not going to live inside our house in a protective bubble just to avoid it.
Ability to Give Up Control
Much like the death analogy, we live the happiest life when we realize that we have no control over death or when that day will come.
In order to live our best lives, we must accept that we do not have that control.
In order to be in a happy and healthy relationship, both partners must acknowledge that they cannot control if their partner chooses to cheat on them.
This is a decision that only the other person can make.
Someone who is showing signs of jealousy has not reached this healthy conclusion and therefore shows signs of insecurity, fear and potentially narcissism.
Related: How To Know If He’s The One
What To Do If You’re In Love With A Jealous Man
This article may have pointed out that you’re in love with a man who is jealous. It’s perfectly normal to feel confused.
Breaking up with someone you love is not easy, and I am not suggesting that you make any decisions that you’re not ready to make.
If you are feeling like something may be off, the first thing you can do is talk to him.
Talk to your man about how you feel and how you enjoy being independent and having the ability to make your own decisions.
If he reacts negatively or abusively, no need to press the topic, you have your answer and can let things settle a bit.
The wisest decisions are not made impulsively. Take the time you need to let the information in this article digest and the answer will become clearer to you with time.
Always Look For High-Quality
Before you click away, I want to leave with you a little pep talk.
You should always be looking for high-quality men, including with the men you are currently seeing.
As a dating coach, I often have to tell my clients the honest truth. Even though they really like the man they’re seeing and don’t want to go back to swiping on Bumble, he’s just not high-quality enough for her.
You are a strong woman and today’s modern world doesn’t require you to settle for less. If you want more information about this, click here to learn more.
A Word Of Warning
Now that you know the signs of unhealthy jealousy, it is good to know some other red flags you might be missing. Download my FREE Dating Red Flags Checklist to make sure the man you’re seeing is a high-quality catch.