Latest posts by Lana Otoya (see all)
- Lust Vs. Love – 5 Ways To Know If The Passion Will Last - March 6, 2020
- Needs vs Wants In Relationships – What Is Really Important for Long-Term Love? - February 27, 2020
- What “I Need Space” Really Means, And How To Deal With It - February 10, 2020
In today’s modern world, women don’t need men to apply for a credit card. You don’t just want any husband, you want to know how to find a husband who really loves you. Here’s how you do it.
1. Find Out What What You Want Out of Life
Yup, learning how to find a husband who really loves you means that you need to figure out yourself first.
The number one reason that people cite for divorce is that the other person “changed”.
Yes, change can happen to anyone and anytime – but…
The chances of it ruining your relationship are lower if you know the goals you want to achieve in life.
Let’s say you live downtown Manhattan but you hate the city life.
You are a walking contradiction!
The men you meet living in Manhattan are city dwellers, they probably love living there.
If you don’t see yourself living there for the long-term, it’s best to move somewhere that is more in tune with your lifestyle.
When you do that…
The chances of you finding the love of your life who is compatible with your goals just went up.
Knowing your life goals helps you determine the kind of partner who is going to fit with that lifestyle.
Want to travel the world? Become a digital nomad and join other nomad groups.
There will be plenty of men in those groups.
Want to live a quiet suburban life dedicated to faith? Go to Church every week in your favorite suburb.
There are plenty of single men there too.
If you need some ideas on how to meet new people. Check out this post:
2. Think (Carefully) About Your Dealbreakers
I am going to tell you the story of a female client that I had.
I’ll never forget this.
She lived in a big city, the population was 1.3 million people.
Her list of dealbreakers were as follows:
- Ages 30-40
- Within 35 Miles of her area
- Masters Degree
- 5’10 or taller
- Must make at least $100,000
I entered all these search criteria into her Match.com account and guess what?
I was floored.
Match is the most popular dating website in North America.
I couldn’t believe it.
I didn’t think she was being THAT unreasonable but sure enough, none of the men in her area checked off all these boxes.
With a few tweaks, I was able to get her search results up to 500. Here’s what I did:
Upped miles to 45
Changed Masters degree to Bachelor’s
Lowered Height to 5’9
Lowered Salary to 75K.
That’s all the “sacrificing” it took to go from zero potential matches to 500.
Your “dealbreakers” need to be very important
The reason I’m telling you all this is because when you come up with these “dealbreakers” in your head, they need to be based on more than just “wants”.
For example, saying you don’t want a man who is less than 6 feet is just a want.
If you don’t want to date a man in the military because he will be away all the time and his life goals do not match up with yours is a need.
Requiring a man to make at least $100K/year is a want.
Saying that a man should be able to support himself is a need.
Now, I don’t want you to settle, I’m all about finding High-Quality.
Let’s not get things twisted.
It’s just about figuring out what high-quality really means to you and being very careful about who you dismiss.
Your soulmate might be 5’8.
If you want to know more about what I mean by “high-quality” men, check out this post:
3. Boost Your Confidence
Before figuring out how to find a husband, you need to take a long deep look in the mirror.
Dating is all about feeling confident with who you are.
With confidence you’ll thrive, with self-doubt you’ll get eaten alive.
Now I know this one is not so easy.
All of us have insecurities and dating just seems to bring them all out.
Confidence comes from having a good track record
At work, you know you’re good because you’ve been doing it for years and you’ve climbed up the ranks.
With your friends you know you’re funny because they’ve been laughing at your go-to jokes for a decade.
With dating, you don’t have as good of a track record.
A little rejection can make you question everything.
“Why don’t the men I’m interested in ever show any interest in me?”
“Why hasn’t he asked me out for a second date…”
“Maybe I’m just destined to be single, I guess I’m ok with that.”
All of those statements have you questioning and doubting yourself.
Don’t do this!
In dating, you must remember:
- If someone is not interested in you, that’s on them, not you
- You have to let things (and people) go when it comes to dating
- The right man who is interested in you will show it, you don’t need to convince him.
- If you get hurt a little while dating, you’ll be ok. You’ve been through worse.
- Finding the right person takes time
- Don’t worry, you got this!
If you need some more help on self-confidence in dating, check out this post here:
4. Brush Up On Your Social Skills
Yup, dating is a social game.
According to statistics from Match.com it only takes men about 15 minutes to decide if they want to take you out on a second date.
This means that there’s no time to be reserved or shy when you’re out there on a first date.
As a matchmaker who’s had hundreds of male clients, they often tell me what they are looking for in a woman and the number one thing they always mention (after looks) is:
They want someone who is fun.
I know that statement is vague and maybe “too simple” but that’s all men are really looking for on a first date.
They just want to have some fun.
Here’s how you can do that on a first date:
- Keep conversations light and positive
- Use “fun” and friendly body language like smiling, laughing, eye contact and even brushing their arm or shoulder if you want to be flirty.
- Don’t interrogate or ask them personal questions or plans for the future.
- Make a “safe” environment for him. This means no judgemental comments and always show an interest in what he’s talking about.
If you need some help with small talk and social skills, check out my post on that here:
5. Meet New People
Alright, now that you’re all prepped and ready to find the love of your life, you have to put yourself out there.
As I said in step one, it helps to be in the same environment as the people you want to attract.
If you want a fit guy, sign up for some co-ed fitness classes.
If you want a musician, join a local music club or band.
Now if the above tips seem a little obvious, I’m going to hit you with an even more obvious one…
People are everywhere!
They are at the gym, at the grocery store, at the music festival, at the coffee shop.
If you keep your head up and your eyes wandering at who might be out there, you just might find someone else trying to catch your eye.
And you can also *gasp* walk up and introduce yourself to someone.
I know this isn’t easy but it’s effective.
And if you want to be even more effective when it comes to finding a husband, move on to step 6.
6. Get On Dating Apps
Yup, if you want to be in a committed relationship with a husband who loves you, you can’t delete your Bumble account.
As a dating coach for women, I am very well aware of how much “Dating apps suck” or how “dating apps don’t work” but I’m here to tell you that they do work, they are effective and they also suck, yes I’ll give you that one.
Today, more couples meet online than anywhere else, including bars, through friends, and at school.
If you don’t get on the dating apps and start taking that seriously, you’re missing a huge chance to find someone quickly.
Have good profiles and photos
I would not be a dating coach if I moved on without mentioning that you must put some effort into creating good profiles and pulling good photos.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen women post the ugliest photos of themselves online. They may be beautiful but their photos are awful.
Photos that are terrible include:
- Mirror selfies
- Selfies with you in bed
- The lighting is so bad you can’t see your face
- Photos with a huge group of friends
I cringe at the photos I see women posting, it’s insane.
If you need some help with either photos or profiles, feel free to check out my packages that include profile writing and photo editing here.
7. Play The Dating Game Right
Now that you’ve gotten yourself on a couple of dating apps, you’re going to start meeting people and seeing men casually.
This could be an entire post on its own but these are the most important things when it comes to playing the “dating game”:
- On dating apps, it’s ok to message first and it’s ok to ask him out on the first date. The goal is to meet people in person as quickly as possible.
- After you’ve met, he should be initiating two text conversations for every one that you initiate. So he starts two conversations, then you start one. The ratio is always 2:1.
- It doesn’t really matter when you have sex but don’t become “exclusive” unless you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Don’t date someone without being official for more than two months.
8. Don’t Overthink
The above list of rules is easy on paper but they can be hard to follow in practice because of your overthinking brain.
Your racing thoughts can kill “the “cool confident” woman you started out with as you finished step four.
Overthinking is normal and comes with the territory of dating.
What you need to do is find a healthy release for the energy you’re building up with your thoughts.
Let’s say that you went on a great date with a man, but it’s been 5 days and he hasn’t texted you about a second date.
You will be driving yourself crazy.
You’ll be thinking that you should just text him to “see how things are going.”
By doing this you would be breaking the “2:1” ratio mentioned above.
You wonder if that ratio is really set in stone and well…
It kind of is, seriously don’t start breaking the rules already.
If you went on a great date, and he hasn’t texted you, you have to just wait or move on.
High-Quality men don’t need you to help them date.
If you want to know how to find a husband with the right man, you need some tough love from me and this is it.
If he isn’t texting, you must say “next!”.
High-quality men know it’s their job to reach out to you after the first date and if he isn’t doing this, he’s either is not interested or he’s not high quality enough for you.
A healthy release of “dating energy”
I mentioned above that your thoughts create energy and you might want to release that energy by texting when you shouldn’t text or saying something you should say.
Here are some healthier ways to release that energy:
- Write in a journal
- Call a friend
- Go for a run
- Listen to music
You get the idea.
As a dating coach, I hear all the time about how difficult this is, and I have also experienced the struggle myself.
I know it’s hard, but you’re a strong independent woman. You can do it.
9. Be Committed To Being In A Partnership
A huge part of learning how to find a husband is that you need to be ready to give up your freedom.
If you are like the women I coach, then you are strong and independent.
You have lived a very healthy and thriving single life.
So when you enter a relationship, it might be a shock that he has an opinion on your life.
He has a say on what you do and how you do it.
If you really want to find a husband, you will be ok with losing this freedom.
You will be ok with letting someone else have a say once in a while.
It’s the give and take that must happen if you want to enter a loving relationship with a man that you love.
Don’t Rush Into Things
Another thing that involves being committed to finding a husband is patience.
Some women are so excited to settle down, or they’re so tired of the dating scene that they try to force it with a man who is not a good fit.
According to study, waiting is always better.
Two researchers at Emory University, Andrew Francis and Hugo Mialon, studied 3,000 married couples in the U.S. to determine the factors that predicted divorce. Among other factors, they looked at how long a couple dated before getting engaged and found that those who dated 1-2 years before getting engaged were 20% less likely to get divorced. Those that dated 3 or more years were 39% less likely to divorce later.
So take your time dating and try to have fun.
10. Have Fun
The last and final note is to remember to have fun.
I know that dating is not the most fun, but your attitude really does make a difference and it shapes the outcomes of your effort.
Sometimes it helps to have a trusted person to talk to about dating and the struggles you are going through. If you feel you need some extra help or guidance, consider signing up for my FREE dating coaching sessions by clicking here.
A word of warning
Now that you know how to find a husband, you might also be interested in what you should not look for in a partner. It is for this reason that I created a FREE dating red flags checklist so that you don’t get stuck dating a loser who is not high-quality.
Check out the dating red flags list here.
Thanks for checking out my post on how to find a husband and I hope you found it helpful!
With love from your favourite dating coach,