When a Guy Doesn’t Want to Sleep With You

OK let’s be honest, if a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you, that’s kind of weird right? After all, most men are interested in sex (even on the first date) and would happily get you between the sheets ASAP.

Table of Contents

Is It A Red Flag?

So if a guy is not interested in sleeping with you – is it a red flag? Is the attraction not there? Well maybe… let’s try to break it down.

Is He Really Not Interested In Sex or Is It Just In Your Head?

Let’s say you’re dating a guy and he keeps following up with you and asking you out on dates, but he never initiates sex. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to sleep with you!

He could just be trying to take things slow because he really likes you. Or maybe he’s a little socially awkward and doesn’t want to embarrass himself.

So let’s take a look at some signs that he really is avoiding sex and not just trying to take things slow.

#3 — He Doesn’t Mention Sex

Firstly, is he avoiding talking about sex at all?

Perhaps he goes very quiet when you make sexual innuendos, or maybe he even changes the subject. If his topic of conversation is very G-rated and he doesn’t take any interest in having some flirty sexy talk – this means he could really be avoiding sex for some reason.

As a strong feminine woman, you don’t want to be the one to initiate the sexy talk, but a little bit of flirting to see how he responds doesn’t hurt.

Check out these articles if you need help with flirting or flirty texts.

Either way, if he’s refusing to acknowledge something, this typically indicates that there might be a problem.

#2 — He Doesn’t Want to Come Over

A man who is interested in sex is definitely going to want to have some alone time with you in a private place. If the opportunity was there to either invite you to his place or to go to your house and he rejected it – he’s clearly avoiding sex.

He could have even made an excuse like “I have an early start tomorrow,” or “my roommate is sick and I have to look after him”.

The truth is, there’s a fine line between an excuse and a lie.

You can tell the difference between the two if the excuses sound reasonable but they just keep coming. One time is ok, three times, it’s a pattern.

#1 — He Keeps the Physical Affection PG-13

Another tell-tale sign that a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you is if you’re trying to move things along but all he’ll do is make out with you. He may even refuse to go beyond a peck on the cheek.

At first, this probably seems sweet and respectful. However, it’s only a matter of time before it can become frustrating.

Unless you’ve given him a reason not to move the sexual relationship forward, if he’s not doing that on his own – something is up.

Why Your Man Might Not Want to Sleep With You

If it’s clear the new guy in your life doesn’t want to sleep with you, don’t worry—there will be a reasonable explanation. And strong feminine women do not take these things personally. If he doesn’t want to have sex but is clearly still interested in seeing you and asking you on dates – the problem is clearly not you.

#5 — He Wants to Get to Know You More

He might just be trying to take things slow because he really likes you.

Think about how much the world has changed. Back in the day, a man could walk up to the receptionist, tell her he thinks she’s sexy and ask her out on a date. Nowadays that would be extremely inappropriate and a man could even face legal backlash if he took things too far.

I’m not saying that kind of behavior back in the day was ok, I’m just saying times are changing and many good-hearted men don’t want to be seen as too forward or presumptuous.

His reason for lack of physical affection may be something as simple as him not wanting to scare you off and also wanting to work on building an emotional connection with you. Not every man wants to have meaningless un-emotional sex.

In truth, he may want to deepen his emotional connection with you before adding sex into the equation.

The good news here is that if this is the problem – there’s nothing you need to do! Just go at his pace and get to know him a little better. When a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you after being in a relationship for a month – then you can bring it up with him (more on that below).

#4 — He’s A Virgin Or Very Inexperienced

I have spent years as a matchmaker and dating coach and have spoken to thousands of single men and you know what? There are a lot of 30+ year old virgins.

Although it’s not always obvious right away, after spending more time with a virgin (or very inexperienced man) you will usually be able to tell that this is what is going on. They usually have a lot of social awkwardness, seem insecure or shy, and want to avoid talking about sex completely.

Men who are like this can often have developmental delays or they could be really smart. I have spoken to men who have genius-level IQ but when it comes to women and social interactions, they are clueless.

If you’re dealing with a man like this, it will become more obvious the more you get to know him.

If you like him for who he is and are enjoying his company, all you have to do is make him feel comfortable and show him that you’re not judging him. Eventually, he will feel comfortable enough to either talk to you about it or simply start moving things forward.

Related: How To Attract A Sapiophile

#3 — He’s Sleeping With Other Women

I know this isn’t nice to hear, but he might be getting his sexual needs met by another person (or other people) right now.

You’ll be able to tell if this is the case if the following instances apply, according to Power of Positivity:

He’s protective over his phone, hiding whoever calls or texts—and even turns it away from you when he’s responding to someone
He’s always late to meet you, which sometimes implies that he had a previous engagement
He’s not as flirty and doesn’t make you feel as special as he used to, because he no longer needs to crave attention
He’s harder to pin down for a date compared to usual, because his social calendar is fuller
He’s not as present as he used to be when you’re together, suggesting that his mind is elsewhere and he’s thinking about something or someone else
He avoids meeting your friends and family, because he’s not just interested in you and he wants to stay detached from the situation

And if you’ve noticed all of these signals since your first date, he may have even been sleeping with other people the whole time. Humph.

Related: Attracting Better Men.

#2 — He Has Personal Problems That He’s Not Ready to Talk About

Erectile dysfunction is a common problem in men. 5% of men have it at age 40, which increases to 15% of men aged 70. As a dating coach, however, I have seen this issue with even younger men, many in their mid-twenties. The reason is usually porn addiction.

I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but since porn is so easily accessible, many men find themselves going down the rabbit hole of pornographic content and then it can be difficult to find real sex as appealing.

He could also have some health problem that’s affecting his libido and he feels awkward talking about it, whether it’s mental or physical. Or perhaps he’s currently dealing with a lot of stress in his life.

Now, the last thing you want to do is make assumptions or even worse, accusations. You will need to be patient and wait for him to tell you these things on his own time.

If you have been seeing each other for over a month, you can calmly bring up the conversation to try to get to the bottom of it (more on that below).

#1 — He’s Not Sleeping With Anyone Right Now

It could be a lifestyle thing.

When a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you, it could be because of health issues such as a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD), alcoholism or he could even be asexual.

Alternatively, he may choose to abide by religious or personal beliefs.

If this is the case, he’ll spill the beans eventually. The biggest takeaway here is to understand that you need to be patient for about a month.

After you’ve been seeing each other for a month, you can start casually bringing it up and asking for answers. If you don’t want to wait the full month to find things out, you might not have a great connection anyway and maybe it’s best for you to move on.

Also, if you’re not exclusive yet, you can always see other people while you wait for him to tell you what’s going on.

It’s totally up to you on how you approach this situation, but as a dating coach, I can assure you the pressuring someone for answers before you’ve established a deeper connection is not going to get you very far.

Related: Attracting Better Men.

What to Do If He Doesn’t Want to Sleep With You

If it seems like your man doesn’t want to sleep with you, it’s important to understand why—and here’s how you can do just that.

Don’t Brush Off the Issue

According to Healthline, you shouldn’t brush off sexual intimacy. You have every right to address the issue, even if it might feel embarrassing to talk about (especially with someone you’re just getting to know).

Instead, prioritize it. Your feelings matter, and you can’t just keep sweeping them under the carpet.

Put Yourself in His Shoes

A little compassion can go a long way in a situation like this. If he’s dealing with some kind of personal issue that is stopping him from having a physical connection with a woman – he’s in a very vulnerable place.

You don’t need to coddle a man just for the sake of it, but if you’re really enjoying his company and you genuinely like him, then a little compassion and understanding will help strengthen that connection and allow him to open up.

In the beginning phases of a relationship, both of you are trying to establish trust and are testing the waters to see if the other person is worth opening up your heart.

So be patient, don’t pressure him and be non-judgemental.

From what you know about him, can you pinpoint what the issue might be? Is he struggling with anxiety? Does he have trouble sleeping? Is he religious?

This will help create the mindset for an open and compassionate conversation.

Initiate an Honest Conversation

Ok so you’ve waited a month and it’s time to figure out what’s going on. The only way you’re going to get to the bottom of this is if you ask (and try not to come across as judgmental!).

Kindly question what’s getting in his way of being intimate with you by following these tips for a positive and productive conversation:

Don’t interrupt him when he speaks—this may cause him to feel belittled or shut down
Listen intently—be empathetic of what he’s saying
Be vulnerable—communicate your point of view and how you feel once you’ve heard his side

Here are some ways you can open up the conversation.

“Hey (name) I am really enjoying our time together but I noticed that you’re a little withdrawn when it comes to physical intimacy – is there anything going on that you’d like me to know?”

“Hey (name) I am having so much fun hanging out and getting to know you but I have to ask – what are your opinions on sexual/phsyical intimacy in relationships?”

These are very nice and polite ways to open up the conversation. They don’t not accuse him of anything or make any assumptions and they are very open ended.

This is much better than asking something like “are you attracted to me?” becuase that just sounds desparate and of course the answer is probably going to be “yes of course”.

With this kind of conversation, you want to get to the point so he can’t dodge the topic, but you also want to stay calm and confident, like a strong feminine woman knows how to!

Take the Blame Off Yourself

When a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you, remember that the blame shouldn’t fall solely upon you.

A strong feminine woman wouldn’t blame himself for this. If he keeps wanting to hang out with you, the issue is not you.

If the conversation goes well, you can understand where he’s coming from, and he’s willing to compromise, there’s the promise of a better future. You can either respect his decision to take sex off the table for now or help him work through his issues.

On the other hand, if the conversation goes badly, you’re not obligated to continue with the relationship. Maybe he’s not the person you thought he was or his issues are too complex for you to help with right now.

The bottom line is, if one partner isn’t willing to move forward eventually, the relationship isn’t going anywhere and becomes pointless.

In this case, there’s no shame in politely going your separate ways.

How To Attract A Man That Is High Quality

I hope you found this article helpful. Throughout this article you might have seen me reference “strong feminine women” and that is because you can use feminine energy to attract higher-quality men and reach inner feminine strength.

Learn more about attracting men with feminine energy in my guide “How To Attract Higher-Quality Men”.

Conclusion

When a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you, it’s easy to look inward and assume it’s because of something you’re saying or doing wrong. However, this is rarely the case.

Whatever the issue, it’s worth talking it out. Otherwise, your relationship may struggle to progress romantically.

You’ve got this!

Love, your favorite dating coach.

-Lana

Author
Recent Posts

Lana Otoya

Lana is a professional dating coach. She helps confident and successful women meet confident and successful men. You can click here to learn more about her and here to learn more about available coaching packages.