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The “hero instinct,” is a relatively new concept in relationship psychology.
Simply put, it’s the hero instinct that makes a man fall in love with a woman and want to commit long term. That’s powerful stuff!
But, what exactly is it? Is it a real thing? And how do you use it to your advantage in your dating life?
Not to worry—I’ve got you covered in my tell-all guide.
What is the Hero Instinct?
First things first, let’s break down what the hero instinct is.
According to Love Connection, the hero instinct is an idea that James Bauer describes in his bestselling dating book His Secret Obsession.
Fundamentally, it’s the biological need inside of a man to provide for those he cares about, earn respect from other people, and live a life of meaning.
In romantic relationships, then, this need translates to protecting his partner and treating her right to ultimately earn her love. This is the kind of man that I consider to be high-quality.
High-quality men want to provide, help you when you need it, support your life choices and respect you physically and emotionally.
To take it one step further, it’s a primal drive that’s just as significant as others, such as hunger, thirst, and sex.
When you think of a hero, who comes to mind? Thor? Spiderman? Bruce Willis in Die Hard?
Just like these fictional characters want to make a difference in the lives of others, so do men with those whom they love. And a woman can tap into this biological drive by helping her guy to feel like a hero every day.
Related: How To Attract Higher Quality Men
What Happens When You Trigger The Hero Instinct
According to James Bauer, triggering the hero instinct has the following effects:
- The man of your choice will feel a burning desire for you that’s extremely powerful and goes beyond physical attraction
- He won’t be able to stop thinking about you
- You’ll become the most important person in this man’s life and he’ll forget every other woman, past and present
Why? Well, because it has the ability to form a deep love connection. If a woman fails to bring out a guy’s hero instinct, he’ll always feel like something important is missing.
However, keep in mind that it’s not about pleasing him! If I had a dollar for every woman who sent me an angry email about how she “shouldn’t have to please a man” I’d be very wealthy.
It’s not about blindly pleasing him, it’s about giving him a way to please you so that he feels like he’s winning you over—time and time again.
To put it another way, you need to give him the space to step in. For example, if you mention to him that your car is making a weird noise but then say that you already booked a mechanic to take a look – you left him no chance to try and help you out.
That’s a very black and white kind of example, but you get the idea. The same goes for texting. If you’re constantly texting him and asking him how his day is going, he doesn’t feel the need to do that for you because you’ve already got that covered.
Strong feminine women know how to let a man help them so that they start stepping up their game. These kinds of women are not weak.
After all, one of the key traits of feminity is collaboration, this means knowing how and when to ask others for help so that you don’t get stuck doing everything by yourself.
Knowing how to navigate this is the only way to get a man that actually steps in, texts you, supports you, provides for you if you need it, and asks you out on dates until he eventually proposes. See how much you want a man to do?
Triggering the hero instinct is the first step in letting him know that if he doesn’t step up, he’s out.
If you want to know more about how to use femininity to attract higher-quality men for free, click here.
How to Trigger Hero Instinct in a Man
Knowing how to trigger the hero instinct in a man is easy! It’s more straightforward than you may think and as a woman, you have a natural ability to make this happen. You can do it in the following ways.
#10 — Ask for His Help
Because a man primarily just wants to feel useful, asking for his help with things is a great way to tap into the hero instinct.
It could be little things that you need help with, like fixing a lightbulb or grabbing dinner on the way home. Or it could be bigger things, like moving house or organizing your next trip.
Either way, tell him that you require his assistance consistently and watch how he falls over himself to follow through.
#9 — Be Vulnerable With Him
If you’re being your 100% authentic self with a man, you’re also more likely to trigger the hero instinct.
(We’re talking about goofiness, silliness, no make-up, emotional outbursts—the lot!)
This will give him a taste of the real you in a way that will make him yearn for more.
This is especially important if you are normally a strong and independent woman who has it all together. If he can see that you let down your guard and are a little more vulnerable with him, he will feel honored and understand that you are letting him see a side of you that not everyone gets to see.
Now, remember, all of this is about being authentic, not about putting on a show or playing games.
If you had a down day or are feeling stressed about something, just let him know. It’s not about faking vulnerability, it’s about being honest.
If you have trouble doing this, that’s very common in women that are very successful and consider themselves to be very strong and high achievers. The first step in overcoming this is to let down your protective wall. It’s the only way to find true love.
#8 — Be His Personal Cheerleader
Want to shift the hero instinct into high gear, give him tunnel vision, and make you seem more alluring than any other woman he knows?
Five words: show him non-judgemental support.
Even if you don’t always agree with his wishes and ambitions, it’s important to be his personal cheerleader through life.
No this doesn’t mean just blindly agreeing with him all the time! Why do I always have the sound of those angry emails in my head. No, instead, it means that you state your opinion but at the end of it, let him know that you’ll support him no matter what.
This is what everyone wants in life from their loved ones.
News flash: nobody wants someone telling them what to do.
You should never tell anyone what to do because they don’t want to hear it. They want your opinion maybe, but at the end of the day, they’ll make their own decision and face the consequences.
If your man knows that you have his back no matter the consequences, he’ll love you forever.
Celebrate his successes, be there for him when he fails, and never stop encouraging him to fulfill his dreams.
After all, who wouldn’t want to be with someone who stuck by them and made them feel reassured no matter what? Exactly.
Related: How To Attract Higher-Quality Men
#7 — Have His Back in Front of His Loved Ones
Speaking of having his back, don’t just do this on a one-to-one basis. You should also have his back in front of his family and friends—and yours.
Some partners are guilty of belittling their other halves in front of others and being negative for no reason. This is not what strong feminine women do.
If you go against the status quo and be all about those positive vibes in front of his loved ones, he’ll sit up and take notice.
Here are a few examples:
- Bring up one of his latest personal achievements when you’re all hanging out with his friends
- Dropping into his workplace with a coffee to thank him for something he helped you with in front of his colleagues
- Telling his mom just how much you adore him just for being him at a family get-together
Bigging him up all of the time allows you to spark an attraction in a man that becomes an emotional addiction.
In other words, he won’t be able to stop caring for you.
Related: How To Get A Man To Chase You
#6 — Allow Him to Be Vulnerable With You
Just like you should be your authentic self with your man, you should also encourage him to be his authentic self with you.
Listen to his woes, help him with problems, and don’t judge him for his actions (even if you don’t necessarily agree with them).
He needs to feel like the space between you is a safe space where he can talk freely without ridicule or punishment.
This will boost his ego and result in him opening up with you even if he struggles to open up with anybody else.
Ergo, an emotional bond will be formed so strong that it can’t be undone.
#5— Ask for His Advice
Just like you should ask for his help to trigger the hero instinct, you should also ask for his advice.
Go to him with a genuine problem you have and watch him switch into protect and preserve mode.
Whether this is someone bullying you at the gym, failing a test at work, or getting into a large amount of debt, your man wants to be the first person you go to with your issues.
When he gives you solutions or stands up for you, he’ll feel valued and needed and his inner hero instinct will come out and take center stage.
Related: Difference Between Lust Vs. Love
#4 — Be Physically Affectionate
Being affectionate means that you’re showing him love and appreciation with your body language and actions instead of your words.
- Showing him random physical affection like stroking his hair or touching his leg.
- Positioning yourself so that he feels like the protector, ie. being the little spoon, leaning on his shoulder or falling asleep in his arms.
Making him feel like the only man in the world also makes you seem like the only woman.
It stimulates a gut-level attraction that makes him want to commit. Fact.
#3 — Give Him Space
You may be seeing a trend here that it’s good to give a man space so that he fills in the gap. This is how you get a man to step up and it is a key concept of how feminine women attract stronger and more masculine men.
As a dating coach and matchmaker, I am often talking to women who are very ambitious and successful and they struggle to find men who are on their level. Then I quickly find out this is because they are always doing everything for them!
They text them, they plan dates, they make reservations. *Facepalm*.
If you are the one doing everything – you’re only going to attract bums who let you do everything.
If you want a strong man who is higher-quality, your feminine energy needs to come into play and you need to give him space.
You need to give him the freedom to live a life outside of your relationship too.
Letting him miss you will reframe you in his mind as the person he can’t live without—and it will be impossible for him to ignore. Whereas, if you’re glued to his side constantly, he’s going to eventually feel suffocated.
So go out, hang out with your friends, don’t answer his texts right away, and even turn down his requests to take you out.
Just tell him you’re busy that night but can do it another night. He needs to see that you have your own life and you don’t just bend over backward for him whenever he wants.
Being together all of the time will also blur the boundaries of your entities. It’s important to let him have his own identity and his own life, alongside your couple’s identity and the life he has with you.
Ultimately, this results in you appreciating each other so much more.
#2 — Show Gratitude for Him
If you want to trigger the hero instinct in your man, show him that you appreciate him.
There are tiny things you can do every day to make emotional deposits in your relationship, which end up growing and strengthening your bond.
- Say thank you when he fixes your laptop for you
- Jump on him when he’s put on a nice outfit for date night and tell him how handsome he looks
- Tell him how much you care for him and often
At the end of the day, men want to feel appreciated just as much as women do.
So, make sure you don’t forget to appreciate him and you may find that he’s bending over backward to appreciate you too.
#1 — Don’t Go Over the Top With Appreciation
Following on from the previous point, try not to go too overboard with the compliments. For instance, there’s no need to start making out with him just because he remembered to unload the dishwasher.
The truth is, men will struggle to accept appreciation if they feel like they haven’t earned it. Remember, this is not about putting on a show, it’s about being real and authentic.
It’s all about throwing in a bit of casual gratitude every now and then when warranted, instead of constantly throughout the day so that it becomes overwhelming.
Sometimes if it’s obvious that you’re trying to trigger the hero instinct, it may come across as fake to your man and make him run the other way.
How To Attract A Man That Is High Quality
I hope you found this article helpful. Throughout this article you might have seen me reference “strong feminine women” and that is because you can use feminine energy to attract higher-quality men and reach inner feminine strength.
Learn more about attracting men with feminine energy in my guide “How To Attract Higher-Quality Men”.
Men crave feeling needed and wanted by women they’re attracted to because of a deep-rooted natural instinct.
To guarantee the love, respect and devotion of your man, don’t be afraid of triggering the hero instinct. It’s a top secret that will change your dating life forever.
Love, your favorite dating coach.